Momentum
by floorplanhobo
Summary: Both of them were damaged souls, wanting to hold on to something real. Eli's depression was consuming him, and Clare's anger was alienating those she loved. But one poem changed their lives forever. Rated M for featured topics and language.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: This was meant to be a side project while still working on my fic, **_**Alliteration**_**. However, I decided to put **_**Alliteration**_** on hiatus and bury myself in this one instead, I feel really passionate about it. I got this idea by rereading **_**Infinite, Sometimes**_**, which may be the best fanfiction I've ever read (it's not on this site, and it's not Degrassi-related, but still brilliant).** **It will be angsty and not very smutty... but I just want to explore deep human emotions and the complexity of depression. I also want to explore friendships and the meaning of being really close to someone without necessarily being romantic. That being said, this fic will definitely be Eclare-centric and yes, there will be some romance, but I may take my time with it. That's why it's slightly AU, but just very slightly. Hopefully, you will stick with me through this.**

**Special shout-out: To one of my very best friends, Pete, for helping me out with my writer's block and giving me so many good ideas. For saving my life many times without even knowing it. For listening to me whenever I'm depressed and cheering me up with her brilliant comments. For pushing me in the right direction with my writing, for having faith in me somehow. I love you, boo. **

_**-** All we need is a little bit of momentum; break down these walls that we've built around ourselves. All we need is a little bit of inertia… Break down and tell.-_ The Hush Sound, _Momentum_.

_**Eli**_

_It's not easy being alive._

_I feel like I'm stuck._

_I feel like I'll never be able to move on. It's been a year, I know._

_But I still can't sleep._

_I keep hearing your angry voice yelling at me._

_I keep thinking of the way I talked to you._

_I can't sleep._

Eli Goldsworthy finished writing on his journal and stared at the building in front of him. He was hiding in his hearse, refusing to go into the new school, which looked incredibly intimidating to him. He gulped nervously as he tore off the page on which he had just written, and felt the texture of the paper crumble in his hand. He threw the battered notebook aside and grabbed his backpack, the page still in his hand, and got out of the vehicle.

He walked tentatively towards the school glancing around him as happy and giggly students walked –ran- past him. He buried the torn page in the back pocket of his skinny jeans and walked on, trying to ignore the happiness surrounding him. His therapist's advice was to talk to other people, that if he made new friends his depression would lessen. But Eli had no time for that.

Breathing hurt, and a dull pain on his chest reminded him of the depression inside of him. Julia had been gone for a long time now, but it still hurt. It wasn't like he was still in love with her, but the regret and the guilt were ever-present, not letting him forget.

Cece had insisted on transferring schools after several kids at his old high-school had bullied him because of Julia's death. It seemed that everybody held him responsible for the death of one of the sweetest girls around, and he couldn't blame them. He winced when he remembered his last day at school when he had to clear out his locker, having a nervous breakdown when he had to throw things away. He was fucked up, there was no doubt about it.

He had memorized his new locker number and found it after a couple tries, and noticed that there was a naive-looking boy fumbling with the lock next to him. "Fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck," the boy mumbled, sounding frustrated.

"Are you okay?" asked Eli, and he was amused by the sound of his own tired voice. He didn't talk much anymore, especially to strangers.

"No, but my lock is having a great timel," the boy retorted. "Being a bitch to me and all! Inanimate objects hate me, you know?"

"Sorry to hear that," said Eli, not sure if the boy was joking or not. "Do you need help?"

"Eh, sure," the boy said hesitantly, and handed Eli the piece of paper with his combination scrawled on it. Eli took the lock in his hands and swiftly unlocked it, making the boy gasp in disbelief.

"I spent thirty minutes trying to… oh, well," the boy chuckled and offered his hand to Eli. "My name is Adam. Thanks for your help, master of the locks."

Eli stared at Adam's hand and pocketed the combination slip automatically, and reached out for the boy's hand. "I'm Eli," mumbled Eli as he shook Adam's hand quickly. "I'm new here."

"So am I, obviously," teased Adam. "My brother and I just moved here. You? New in town or…?"

"I'd rather not talk about it," said Eli shortly and opened his own locker. It looked so clean and empty… empty… just like Eli felt. He could feel Adam's stare and the last thing he needed was somebody being nosy.

"I helped with your lock," snapped Eli. "What else do you need?"

Adam's eyes widened and his cheeks were stained red as Eli's angry-filled words were thrown to the air. "Nothing, dude," said Adam brusquely, and slammed his locker shut. "I just need my combination slip back."

Eli dug into his back pocket rather angrily and handed the slip to Adam, reluctantly. Part of him wanted to hang on to that piece of paper, keeping it seemed so vital to him. "There," said Eli shortly, and Adam took it from his hand, a curious look in his eyes. Their eyes met for a brief second, before Adam stormed away, and Eli felt irritated, not at the boy, but himself.

But it was better to scare people away before he hurt them. He was a walking disease, not a friend but a burden, and he brought nothing but pain to the people he loved. Sometimes he wondered if the world would be better off without him. He closed his locker and tried to remember which class he had first, and started walking aimlessly, without interest.

_Advanced English, that's right,_ he thought. At least he had something to look forward to, hoping that the teacher actually knew the subject. He didn't want to sit through another discussion of the impact of the Twilight novels on teenagers everywhere.

He didn't notice that the torn page of his journal had fallen out of his pocket when he handed Adam the combination slip. A piece of his soul was on the floor, and he had no idea.

**_Clare_**

Clare Edwards slammed the car's door behind her, feeling furious at her apologetic mother. Clare's parents had fought all night, their yells and recriminations hurting her ears and not helping her newly developed insomnia. As she walked to the building she could hear her mother calling her, but she ignored the pleas.

Anger was a new emotion to her, but it fit her like a glove. Her makeover had been a result of it, she wanted to look good so she could punish KC for "cheating" on her. She wanted to cause an impression on all the people who saw her as just another geeky Christian kid… she wanted to prove a point, cause a reaction. She felt misunderstood and ignored, and not even Alli was able to help her. She had been alienating her best friend with her moody rants and erratic behavior, and Clare felt truly alone. Darcy rarely replied to e-mails, and Clare was trying to deal with her feelings of abandonment. No, life was not good to Saint Clare, and she was growing tired of being a nice girl. _Being nice didn't help her feel better_, she thought as she walked through the front doors, not paying attention to where she was walking.

"Clare!" called Alli, sounding hopeful. "Are you feeling better today?"

"No," said Clare truthfully as they walked side by side. "I'm just… over everything." Clare noticed KC and Jenna making out in front of their lockers, and her heart ached at once. She still felt betrayed by both Jenna and KC, and she wondered if she just should stop trusting people. Then she looked at Alli, who was looking sadly at her, and she felt even more aggravated.

"Sorry, Alli, I know I've been a pain," sighed Clare as they walked past KC and Jenna. They got to their lockers and Alli remained silent, but when Clare glanced at her, she seemed deep in thought.

"Maybe I should set you up on a blind date!" exclaimed Alli excitedly.

"Alli, boys are not the solution to everything," said Clare angrily, rolling her eyes. Alli seemed hurt by the comment, which made Clare feel immediately guilty, and she mumbled a half-assed apology. Clare's eyes wandered around, trying to focus her anger on something else, and found a crumpled piece of paper on the ground.

"Seriously, people need to stop littering," mumbled Clare, walking away from Alli. She picked up the paper and looked around for the nearest trash can. She noticed one at the end of the hall, and as she was walking towards it, she saw KC walking in her direction.

"Oh no," she gasped, and turned to walk around but KC grabbed her by the wrist.

"Clare, please, listen to me," said KC pleadingly, but Clare shook her head, pocketing the piece of paper absentmindedly.

"It doesn't have to come to this," insisted KC. "We can still be friends."

"I don't trust you," said Clare bitterly. "Let go of me!" All her anger was making her shake uncontrollably, and this scared her. She walked away, fast, searching for the nearest restroom. When she found one, she quickly walked into it and hid inside one of the stalls, hoping that Alli wouldn't follow her. She didn't want to talk to anyone. Ever again.

She just stood there, breathing hard as she tried to push away the memories of KC, of his hand grabbing her by the wrist, of his pleading eyes. She dug her hands in her pockets and felt the piece of paper immediately. She pulled it out and stared at it, and made the motion to throw it away. However, she noticed the handwritten scribbles on it and curiosity got the best of her. She tried her best to flatten the page and started reading.

_Nobody knows how I feel at the moment. _

_Nobody knows the terrible pain I'm going through._

_I deal with it by being angry, by not talking, by being an empty shell._

_I don't want to bother anyone with my problems._

_I used to talk to you about this, but you're not here anymore._

_And it's all my fault._

_I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch someone._

_It's this despair that keeps me from being normal._

_I desire nothing else but to be normal._

_But I alienate people, that's what I do best._

_Always a burden._

_Never a friend._

_It's not easy being alive._

_I feel like I'm stuck._

_I feel like I'll never be able to move on. It's been a year, I know._

_But I still can't sleep._

_I keep hearing your angry voice yelling at me._

_I keep thinking of the way I talked to you._

_I can't sleep._

Clare's cheeks were wet with tears as she finished reading, and her heart was aching badly. She didn't know who the author of the note was, but it could have easily been her. Some of the lines seemed to be written especially for her, and she tried hard not to start sobbing. She glanced at her watch and realized that she was late for her class. She had been looking forward to her first day at advanced English, and she was already messing up. She pocketed the page again, feeling slightly better. There was somebody else in that school who felt just like she did, someone who desperately wanted help but didn't know how to ask for it.

She was not alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. I also do not own the fragment (on creative writing) from **_**Teacher Man**_** by Frank McCourt, which will be italicized for obvious reasons. That fragment is just so inspiring and superb, and if you're interested in writing, you should read that book. :) Ahem, and I also do not own that one-liner from Foreigner's "Head Games." Not at all. **

**Author's note: This chapter will be entirely in Eli's POV. I hope you like it. **

He doodled on his fingernails with a Sharpie, aware of the curious glances he was attracting. The class didn't have a lot of students in it, and Eli felt slightly relieved. He thought about the therapy session he would have to face later, dreading it immensely. He had to sit there for half an hour, saying nothing, with Dr. Porter just staring at him, waiting for Eli to speak.

Pointless. _There is nothing to talk about,_ thought Eli. _I have nothing to say._ He kept going to therapy just to make Bullfrog and Cece happy, but it wasn't helping him at all. Every day he was closer to the edge, closer to simply giving up on life, and he thought briefly of the loaded gun that his father kept in his office. A family friend had given it as a joke to Bullfrog many birthdays ago, and Bullfrog decided to keep it "just on case some religious intruders go crazy on us."

He would have killed himself ages ago if he had had the nerve and guts to do it. But every time he thought of Cece walking into the office and finding him dead, his brains all over the carpet, he abandoned the idea. It was still a very appealing one, but he didn't want to cause his parents that kind of pain.

Having those morbid thoughts while everyone else was talking excitedly about the past summer break amused him, and he couldn't help but smirk to himself. Eli concentrated on his fingernails and suddenly, a sweet scent (floral? vanilla?) filled his nostrils and he looked up to find out where it was coming from. A girl had taken the seat right in front of him, and Eli's heart started beating faster for some reason. There was something soothing about the way the girl smelled, and he was a little surprised at the reaction his mind was having.

"Welcome to advanced English," said a middle aged-looking lady as she walked briskly into the room, glancing around. "I'm Ms. Dawes, and if you came in here looking for an easy grade, or think you're something special just for being able to recite Shakespeare by heart, you can leave right now."

The class went silent and Ms. Dawes smiled broadly. "Well then. I'm glad that you decided to stay. This class is more than just reading, it's about inspiring you to get out of your shell, to feel comfortable with writing. And for that, I have a little fragment by the late Frank McCourt I want one of you to read. You!"

She was pointing at Eli, and he flinched. "Me?"

Ms. Dawes shook her head and Eli noticed that the teacher wasn't actually pointing at him, but at the girl sitting in front of him. He saw the girl shuffle on her seat, and the sound of her clearing her throat invaded the room.

"Name?" asked Ms. Dawes as the girl stood up and walked to the front. She turned to face the class, her face severely red, and she looked extremely uncomfortable. Eli admired her soft curls and the strikingly blue eyes, as well as the full lips. He smiled in spite of himself, but flashes of Julia's funeral went through his mind, wiping the smile off. He looked away, feeling guilty about admiring another girl's beauty, when his ex-girlfriend was dead. Still dead.

"Clare Edwards," said the girl in a delicate voice.

"Okay, Ms. Edwards, would you be so kind to read this for the class?" asked Ms. Dawes, and Eli looked over at them, hesitant to do so.

Clare's hands were shaking as she took the page, and she cleared her throat nervously again. "_Listen, are you listening?_" read Clare. "_You're not listening. I'm talking to those of you in class who might be interested in writing. Every moment of your life, you're writing. Even in your dreams you're writing. When you walk the halls in this school you meet various people and you write furiously in your head. Will you smile? Will you nod? There are so many ways of saying hi. Hiss it, thrill it, bark it, sing it, bellow it, laugh it, cough it. A simple stroll in the hallway calls for paragraphs, sentences in your head, decisions galore_."

Clare finished reading and looked up, and her eyes met with Eli's. It was just for a split second and his heart started beating fast again, as if Clare Edwards represented the epitome of comfort... and he had to look away. He focused on Clare's desk as Ms. Dawes said something about the genius of Frank McCourt and Eli panicked.

A crumpled piece of paper was lying on Clare's desk. _His poem._ He reached for his back pocket and realized that he had misplaced the poem, and a sense of urgency made his chest felt heavier. She had probably read that poem, probably laughed at it. She had probably dissected every sentence and realized that whoever wrote it was not only a terrible writer, but an emotional piece of crap. He needed to recover that poem but Clare was walking over to her seat and the opportunity was lost.

Eli's hands started sweating as Clare took her seat, her scent making him forget momentarily why he was so anxious. "Sir, sir," said Ms. Dawes hurriedly pointing at Eli. "What did you think about that paragraph?"

Eli felt horrified as he felt all eyes on him, and he could feel the sweat dripping down his forehead. "It was… inspiring," said Eli unconvincingly. "But… misleading as well."

"How so?" asked Ms. Dawes, raising an eyebrow.

"Because it sounds like everybody can be a writer," droned Eli tiredly. "And it's not like that. Just because someone can think they can write doesn't mean they should."

"But Mr. McCourt is talking to his creative writing class, sir, not a random congregation of students," stressed Ms. Dawes. "So everybody present is, in fact, a writer."

There was some snickering at the back of the class and Eli slumped in his seat. He felt like a complete idiot, and he focused again on his fingernails. Ms. Dawes continued talking about creative writing and about some future project Eli didn't pay attention to. He kept thinking of Clare and his poem, and wondered how he would get back that piece of paper. He needed it. He desperately needed it.

Eli's mind wandered around, not paying attention to the class. When the bell rang, he panicked when Clare stood up, holding his poem in her hand. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out, and Clare walked out of the classroom. He just sat there, his head starting to ache. It took him several minutes to recover, and he grabbed his backpack and ran out of the room, bumping into several people.

He accidentally tripped on someone's foot and fell hard on the ground, hitting his knee. He cursed and looked up, his eyes meeting a tall guy with short hair and menacing eyes. "Watch where you're going, emo boy," he spat, and some people in the hallway laughed. Eli stood up quickly and the guy shoved him aside, walking away followed by his cronies.

"Perfect," he mumbled and continued to look for Clare, looking for her as if his life depended on it. He finally noticed her standing all by herself, reading something from the bulletin board. He walked casually and stood next to her as he pretended to read as well. He felt when Clare glanced at him, but he pretended to not notice.

"I agree with you," she said softly. He turned to look at her, faking disinterest.

"Sorry?" he asked nonchalantly.

"What you said in English class," said Clare, blushing deeply. "Not about McCourt being misleading, but the writing thing. People thinking they can write when they shouldn't."

"Oh," said Eli, shrugging. "I've read a lot of bad books. _The DaVinci Code_ for some reason comes to mind. Incredibly overrated."

"Yeah, that was a pretty subpar book," smiled Clare.

Their eyes met again and Eli couldn't help but smile back at her. "I'm Eli, by the way," said Eli in an offhand way. "I just transferred."

"Clare," she said, and Eli's eyes fixed on her hand. He wanted to grab the paper and run, run away and never look back at her.

His heart sunk when Clare folded the paper and put it in the middle of her English book, knowing that there was no discreet way of taking it away from her. "So, do you like it here so far?" asked Clare.

"I've only been here for a couple hours so… it's all right," he smirked. "Very different from my other school."

"Really? Well, there is a lot of drama going on in here," said Clare. "You were warned."

"Drama in high school… who knew?" said Eli sardonically. Clare giggled and the sound of it made him slightly uncomfortable. He was feeling happy, he was making _a girl_ laugh, and the very familiar sense of guilt corroded him once again.

"I have to go to my next class," said Eli quickly. "And thanks for agreeing with me. I felt a little stupid in class today."

"No problem," grinned Clare. "And I have to go as well… I'll see you around, I guess."

Eli wanted to tell her the truth, that he just wanted his poem back and that he didn't want to talk to her again. Because her eyes were making him feel sensations he had forgotten he was capable of feeling, and he didn't want to fall into that game again. Because he didn't deserve to be happy in any way…

"Yeah, sure," said Eli, trying to sound normal. "We do have a class together, after all." Clare smiled again and walked away from him, and Eli's mind started tormenting him once again.

_**Later **_

Eli wrote furiously on his journal, letting out all his sickening angst before going to his therapy session. He always wanted to go in with a clear head; he really didn't want to talk to his therapist about his fears and his nightmares. It was better to keep all those feelings inside… it was the only way he could feel alive.

"Honey, we're leaving in a few," called Cece from the other side of the door. Eli grunted in frustration and threw the journal away, and it landed on one of the many piles of stuff in his bedroom floor.

He got out of bed and managed not to trip as he avoided the mess on the floor, and opened the door. Cece was standing there with a tired look on her face, but smiling nonetheless, and looked him in the eye.

"Ready?" asked Cece and Eli merely shrugged.

As they walked to the car Eli could sense that his mother wanted to ask him something, and he really didn't want to have any kind of serious conversation before heading to therapy. It was bad enough that Cece always insisted in driving him, and Eli knew it was because she was afraid that he would skip the session.

They got into Cece's old Cavalier and as soon as his mother turned on the engine, Eli's fingers started playing with the buttons on the radio. He heard Cece sigh sadly but pretended he didn't hear anything, and grimaced when one of Cece's favorite bands, Foreigner, started playing.

_Daylight, alright… I don't know, I don't know if it's real_

_Been a long night and something ain't right_

"Eli, I wish you would talk to me, babe," said Cece, but Eli just moved his lips along to the song, silently. He remembered being very young and Cece dancing around the house while singing along to "Head Games." He had been so happy back then, when he knew nothing about life, nothing about pain. Simplicity had been his friend, complex human emotions his downfall.

"Eli, please." There was something so broken about Cece's voice and Eli felt incredibly guilty. He turned to look at his mother as they reached a traffic light, and they came to complete stop.

"What do you want me to say?" said Eli unenthusiastically. "That I'm okay now, that I'm ready to move on? That I'm cured? That I'm not sad anymore?"

"No, I just want you to express yourself more," said Cece sweetly. "You keep writing and writing in that journal but you don't talk to us. You used to talk to me all the time, to your dad too, you were so chatty before-"

"Before Julia died," interrupted Eli. "There you go." Eli crossed his arms and stared at the dashboard, and he could almost see his mother's eyes fill with tears at his apathetic behavior.

"Honey, it's been a while now," said Cece tenderly, and Eli looked over at the traffic light and noticed that it turned green.

"Green light," mumbled Eli.

"I just want you to be happy again," said Cece, ignoring Eli's mumbles. "Maybe this new school-"

"_Goddamn it_, nothing is going to help me, Mom!" snapped Eli furiously. "Don't you understand? You can keep taking me to therapy, you can keep ignoring the fact that my room is a disaster and you can keep telling yourself that someday I'm going to be happy again. But I'm not! I'm not, so just give up on me already! When Julia died, a part of me did too and I can't get it back. I just can't."

The cars behind Cece started honking but she didn't move. She started sobbing instead, burying her face in the steering wheel and cars started driving past them. Eli sighed and touched his mother gently in the shoulder, the guilt overwhelming him.

"Mom… I'm sorry," he said and Cece looked at him, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "We're going to be late and you know how Dr. Porter is about punctuality."

"I will never give up on you, boy, never," sniffled Cece miserably. "Your father and I will do everything we can to make you feel better. Do you understand that?"

"Then just pretend this moment didn't happen and drive," said Eli. "Just drive."

Cece glanced at him and hit the gas, driving way over the speed limit. Eli knew that his mother was driving fast to forget and he couldn't blame her. He had tried so many things to help him forget, but nothing worked. He wished it could be as simple as just driving his hearse for hours, to drive away from his past.

But there was nothing he could about it.

Nothing.

**A/N: Next chapter will be in Clare's POV :) It might take a bit to update, but I promise I'll try to asap. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. Or any of the Catholic readings/prayers featured in this chapter. I guess god owns them…? **

**Author's note: This is in Clare's POV. It's the same day as Eli's. In case you're wondering who Luke is, he's the Asian guy in Umbrella pt. 1. Yup, that's his name. Sorry if I have any mistakes, I did a lot of editing for the newspaper this morning and my eyes are in pain. :/  
**

Clare left the classroom, feeling slightly subdued as she walked down the hallway. She still had a few minutes to kill before the next class, so she decided to check if there were any special announcements on the bulletin board, thinking that maybe she could find some extra-curricular activity to keep her distracted. She read some of the fliers but couldn't concentrate, still thinking about the fight her parents had the night before.

Clare heard some laughter down the hallway, but focused on the board, trying to ignore the cheerfulness of the people around her. A brand-new school year, but it felt the same to Clare. She suddenly felt someone standing next to her and she glanced. It was the boy sitting behind her in English class, and she studied his profile, her eyes focusing on his clenched jaw, his lips, the perfect tip of his nose. Clare could feel her face getting red and she looked away, staring blankly at the board, her breathing becoming a little shallow. She glanced again and saw how he bit his lip in concentration and her stomach lurched in a very pleasant way. _What is going on?_ she thought anxiously and looked away again. _Talk to him, ask him something. Wait, why? Don't! He's just someone in your class... what are you doing, Clare Edwards?_

Her internal battle seemed to drag on forever, and her lips parted to speak, not sure what would come out of them. "I agree with you," she said softly. She turned to face him and he was looking straight at her in an amused way.

"Sorry?"

_Oh, great, I'm making a fool of myself,_ she thought. "With what you said in English class," said Clare, her face growing hot. "Not about McCourt being misleading, but the writing thing."

His expression changed, and he looked interested in what Clare was saying. "Oh, I've read a lot of bad books," he shrugged. "_The DaVinci Code_ for some reason comes to mind. Incredibly overrated."

Clare's heart fluttered for an instant when the boy spoke those words. "Yeah, that was a pretty subpar book," smiled Clare_. Not to mention that it was blasphemous_, she thought, but she didn't want to appear like a Jesus freak to the boy.

She looked at him in the eye and noticed the sadness behind his green eyes. This puzzled her because he was smiling at her, but his eyes weren't being sincere. "I'm Eli, by the way," he said. "I just transferred."

"Clare." Eli's eyes focused on her hand and she frowned, feeling uneasy. She folded the paper she was holding and hid it in her English book, and when their eyes met again, Eli appeared to be concerned for some reason.

"So, do you like it here so far?" asked Clare, attempting to make conversation.

"I've only been here for a couple hours so… it's all right," he said, and his lips curved in a smirk that Clare found very attractive. "Very different from my other school."

"Really? Well, there is a lot of drama going on in here," said Clare. "You were warned."

"Drama in high school… who knew?" mocked Eli, making Clare giggle. He was making her forget her anger for a moment and Clare felt grateful towards him, in a way.

"I have to go to my next class," said Eli rather brusquely. Clare tried not to frown… had he noticed the sudden happiness in her eyes? She didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

"No problem," she grinned awkwardly, feeling very self-conscious. "I have to go as well… I'll see you around, I guess."

Did she really want to see him again? She only knew that Eli's presence made her uncomfortable and nervous, and she didn't know what to think of it.

"Yeah, sure," said Eli carelessly, and Clare felt like a fool. "We do have a class together, after all." There was a slight tension in the air and Clare just smiled before walking away, her mind reeling, her heart crashing.

"Clare!" called Alli, running over to her with a huge smile on her face. "I've been looking for you, are you all right? You just ran away after K.C…"

"I'm great," lied Clare, wanting to drop the subject.

"So, do you want to hang out after school today?" asked Alli, her voice full of hope. "Spend a girly afternoon with your bestie?"

"I would love to, but… I have to go to my youth group at church today," said Clare, glad she had an excuse. "Maybe tomorrow?"

Alli looked disappointed, but smiled again almost instantly. "Okay, Clare, as long as you feel better, I'm okay with it. Look at you, ditching me to go hang out with Jesus. Not cool!"

Clare chuckled as Alli grabbed her by the arm and grinned. "Come on, Clare Edwards. Let's go check out the new guys at Degrassi. They better be hot!"

_**Later**_

"_I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life ever lasting. Amen."_

Luke glanced around the room after reciting the apostles' creed, his eyes fixing on Clare. Clare looked right away, knowing that Luke would find a chance to talk to her about the break up with K.C. Dating someone else was the last thing in her mind, especially someone like Luke.

"So, today we're discussing the cardinal virtues," said Luke haughtily as all of them sat down at the table in the middle of the room. "Can anyone list them for me?"

The teenagers present just glanced at each other, not really wanting to be there. Most of them, except for Luke and Clare, were there because their parents made them or because their Confirmation was near and they needed the lectures.

"Prudence, fortitude, justice and temperance," said Clare, and her eyes met briefly with Luke's. He smiled warmly at her and she looked away at once.

"Very good, Clare," said Luke approvingly. "Prudence is-"

Luke continued talking, but Clare wasn't paying attention. She kept thinking of the poem, of the broken words and feelings that poured out of it, and she wondered if she would ever find out who wrote it. She scribbled on her notebook as Luke continued to talk, writing random words here and there, and she thought suddenly of Eli.

All the way back to her house she kept thinking of Eli's sad eyes, of his grief-stricken voice and she wondered what was going on with him. She was a curious girl and she felt that Eli was hiding something… and part of her wanted to know what. She also thought that she was being foolish, being so curious about someone she had just met.

After a painful hour, Luke stopped talking and dismissed all of them, and Clare realized that she hadn't paid attention at all. She closed her notebook and stood up, and she noticed Luke walking over to her.

"Are you okay? You seemed a little distracted today," said Luke, touching her gently on the arm.

"I'm fine," said Clare rather standoff-ish. "Busy day. See you on Sunday, Luke."

She walked out of the room, holding her notebook close to her chest and avoided eye contact with people in the hallway. She finally reached the front door and pushed it open, relieved to breathe in the fresh air. Her house wasn't that far away from the church, so she walked, not wanting to call her mother to pick her up. Clare wanted to avoid her parents as much as she possibly could, she couldn't stand their fighting and bickering anymore. She hated when her mother made snide comments about her father, as if asking Clare to pick a side. She couldn't pick a side, she loved them both, even if apparently they didn't love each other anymore.

She just walked, enjoying the cold wind brushing her face, and breathed in and out deeply. She admired the houses in her neighborhood as she walked, wondering about the lives of the people living in them. Were they struggling to remain together just like her family? Or was she the only one fearing for the future of her parents' marriage?

Clare finally saw her house in the distance and sighed sadly at the sight of it. It wasn't a home anymore, it was just a construction filled with sadness and bitterness, and she felt suffocated every single second she spent in it. She unlocked the front door and as soon as she walked in she heard her parents, yelling at each other, and Clare was amazed at the amount of time her parents would dedicate to fighting. She wished that they paid attention to her instead, but she knew that it was a hopeless cause. She was falling apart in front of them but they were too busy hating each other to notice. It was like she was invisible, like she didn't matter, and Clare wondered if it made any sense to be alive.

She locked herself in her bedroom and leaned against the door, sobbing. After a while she stopped crying, but she could hear her parents screaming downstairs and winced, feeling nauseous and intensely sick. She ran to her bathroom as she pressed her hand against her mouth, and threw up violently in the sink, the bitterness of the bile burning her throat and mouth. Her eyes were burning due to vomiting, and she was gasping for breath.

"This needs to stop," she muttered to herself. She had been stressed for several months now, and the throwing up occurred with alarming frequency. Clare kept it to herself, because she felt that her secrets were keeping her sane in a way. She brushed her teeth thoroughly and rinsed her mouth, avoiding looking at her reflection in the mirror. She walked out of the bathroom and searched through her bag, looking for her English book. She found it and opened it where she had hidden the poem, and she could feel tears stinging her eyes once again.

Clare lay on her bed and remained there, listening to her parents shouting at each other. Their voices carried all the way up to her room and she clutched the poem again, feeling a little hot in her jacket. Clare closed her eyes, holding the poem close to her, and she thought of the mysterious boy with the sad, green eyes.

She thought of nothing else.

**A/N: The first three chapters were for mere exposition purposes, so starting next chapter the story is going to be a little more fast-paced. Thanks for reading! ****:) **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Thank you so much for reading. I really wrote this for everyone who has struggled with depression and anger issues, I know what you've been through. And if you're still going through rough times, try to reach out, talk to a counselor, and seek help. Don't keep it to yourself. You're not alone.**

**This will be a lengthy chapter because I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again… I'll try to do it asap! All the chapters from now on will feature both Eli's and Clare's POVs. Again, sorry if I have any mistakes, my head is kind of hurting. :/  
**

**_Eli_**

Eli opened his eyes and stared at the school building with hesitation. He placed his journal next to him, and wanted to do nothing else but to skip class. He thought of the therapy session the day before, of Dr. Porter's inquisitive eyes and Eli's own indifference. For a moment he thought of spilling his guts to the doctor but thought better of it and kept everything to himself once again.

After therapy, he had attempted to get rid of some of the stuff in his room, but as soon as he saw Julia's favorite book on top of one of the piles, he broke down and stopped cleaning. Julia's battered copy of _Ceremony of the Innocent_ brought back the memories of both of them discussing the book, snickering at the main character's dilemmas, feeling young and reckless. He had vivid nightmares about the night Julia died, and he hadn't been able to sleep well at all.

"Come on, let's go," muttered Eli to nobody in particular, and stepped out of the hearse. As he walked into the school, he noticed Adam standing next to his locker, fumbling again with his own lock.

"Do you need help again?" asked Eli, a smirk lurking on his lips. Adam glared at him and looked away, ignoring Eli's question. Eli knew that he deserved it, since he had been quite brusque with the boy after just meeting him.

"Sorry about being such a dick yesterday," said Eli simply. "I don't have great people skills."

Adam stopped struggling with the lock and just stared at it, breathing hard. "Yeah, you were a bit of an asshole," said Adam, and turned to look at Eli with a huge grin on his face. "However, you seem to be pretty skilled in the locks department, so you're forgiven."

"Splendid," replied Eli haughtily, causing Adam to snort. "There, your lock is unlocked."

"Booyah," said Adam smugly and started to put some of his books inside the locker. Eli's eyes fixed on a Batman comic book Adam was holding and couldn't help but smile.

"You like Batman, huh?" asked Eli, opening his own locker.

"Like? Dude, I _love_ Batman," blurted Adam excitedly. "And love is an understatement. You?"

"Well, I don't love fictional characters but I would say that it's close enough," grinned Eli and Adam looked extremely pleased.

"I have several limited-edition comics," said Adam. "Maybe I'll let you borrow one sometime."

"Least you can do, seeing that I'm your personal locksmith," smirked Eli. His therapist would be pleased, he was working on his people skills and becoming slightly more friendly. It wasn't easy, because his depression was still there, lurking in the shadows of his mind, but Eli tried to focus on the smiling boy in front of him.

"Deal," said Adam happily. "See you later, man."

Adam strutted away and Eli stared after him, feeling amused. "Well, new boy, you got yourself a boyfriend already?"

Eli turned around and saw the guy he had bumped into when looking for Clare the day before. "Why, are you jealous?" retorted Eli, and the guy's pack of friends started laughing stupidly.

"Fitzy doesn't swing that way, guyliner dude," the boy snapped. "Sorry to disappoint you."

"Talking in third person? Really?" mocked Eli. "How sad."

"Fitzy" pushed Eli against the locker, a menacing look on his face. "I don't like smart-asses," he said threateningly. "I really fucking don't. Oh wait, I need to talk in third person, right? Well, Fitz does not like smart-asses, so you better watch your mouth, little bitch."

"Little bitch? That's not what your boyfriend called me last night," sneered Eli, and felt grateful that a teacher walked by because Fitz seemed ready to murder him. But Eli also felt disappointed because part of him wanted to get into a fight, to cause trouble, to use Fitz as an outlet for his pain. Fitz glared at him and let go of Eli, looking immensely pissed off.

"Watch your back," warned Fitz as he walked away, followed closely by his dumb-looking friends. Eli glared after him and grabbed his English book, and his emotions changed immediately when he realized that he was about to see Clare. He wondered what she had done with his poem... Had she thrown it away? Or maybe kept it…? And why did he care so much about her opinion? He just wanted his poem back, he didn't care _at all_ about that girl.

"_Fuck, you've only known her for a day_," thought Eli angrily, closing his locker. But the thought of Clare's timid blue eyes made him feel lighter for some reason, and walked to his English class.

**_Clare_**

"_Pride, anger, covetousness, envy, sloth, gluttony, lust. Pride, anger, covetousness_…"

Clare was muttering to herself as she walked to her English class, going through the seven cardinal sins in her head. Little details such as going through things she learned at church kept her distracted, and she was trying to hold on to them.

"_Envy, sloth, gluttony, lu_- Ouch!" She bumped into someone and almost fell to the ground, but a pair of hands held her from falling.

"You need to pay attention while walking, you know." Clare looked up and saw Eli's green eyes looking right at her. She blushed at once and gulped, feel nervous at once.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"No need to be apologetic," grinned Eli, and Clare felt at ease. "On your way to English?"

"Yes," said Clare, holding on to her book.

"Well, you were going the wrong way," pointed out Eli. "Come on, let's walk together."

Clare walked next to him in silence, feeling very self-conscious. If only Eli knew that she had thought of him the night before, he wouldn't be talking to her.

"Did you check out any of the books Ms. Dawes recommended yesterday?" asked Clare, attempting to look less stupid.

"I honestly didn't pay attention yesterday," admitted Eli. "I had too many things going through my head."

"I know the feeling," said Clare as they entered the classroom and took their seats. Clare wanted to turn around and continue talking to him, but maybe he wanted to be left alone. Eli poked her gently in the shoulder and she tensed up at his touch, and blushed again.

"Yes?" she asked, turning around.

"Um, which books did she recommend?" asked Eli curiously.

Clare opened her notebook and stared at the list she scribbled down. "_The Perfume_ by Patrick Süskind, _Teacher Man_ by Frank McCourt, _Player Piano_ by Kurt Vonnegut-"

"Ah, I'm a Vonnegut junkie," said Eli pleasantly, winking at Clare.

"And _Ceremony of the Innocent_ by Taylor Caldwell," finished Clare. She looked at Eli, who seemed suddenly very pale.

"Are you okay?" asked Clare in alarm.

"Yeah… I… wow, _Ceremony of the Innocent_, really?" gulped Eli, looking away. Clare noticed how Eli's hands started to shake and she raised an eyebrow.

"Last time I read that book was… more than a year ago," said Eli, staring out the window and clutching his own hands nervously. He seemed to be talking more to himself than to Clare, so she felt a little confused. Eli's hands were still shaking, but he turned to look at her and his face seemed calm.

"It's a good book, don't get me wrong," said Eli quickly. "Sorry, that was a weird reaction."

"No need to be apologetic," said Clare, echoing Eli. He smiled at her, a genuine smile, and she smiled back.

Ms. Dawes walked in, glancing around in her hurried manner and stood behind her desk. "I have a little project for you and oh, good morning to all of you," she said briskly. "I would love to give you a speech on the beauties of writing but I don't feel like it. I want you to get a partner, _not _a friend, but someone in this class you barely know. Both of you will find a topic you have in common and write a paper on it. One page is not acceptable, five is pretty decent and ten just means that you're a snotty overachiever. It's due by the end of the week, but you can start picking your topic right now. Go, go, go!"

"Is she on drugs or something?" snorted Eli as Clare turned to face him again.

"No, she's just very energetic at times," explained Clare. They both looked at each other hesitantly, a big question in the air.

"Do you want to-" both blurted at the same time and stopped talking at once. Then both of them laughed at the lovely and chaotic confusion, and Clare giggled nervously.

"Well, aren't we eloquent?" mocked Eli. "I guess we're English partners?"

"Sure, since you're not a friend, you're just someone I barely know," said Clare cheekily.

"Ouch," said Eli, patting his own chest with his hand. "My feelings are hurt, my heart is barely beating."

"Yeah, you're a writer all right," giggled Clare as she turned her desk around so she could face Eli without hurting her neck.

"Aren't you?" asked Eli.

"Sort of, I suppose," shrugged Clare. "So, what do we have in common?"

"Besides going to the same school and being extraordinarily gifted?" asked Eli.

"Very funny," said Clare. "But really… Um, what kind of books do you like to read?"

"Mostly satire, like Vonnegut or Chuck Palahniuk," shrugged Eli. "My favorite book is _Invisible Monsters_ by Palahniuk. So messed up. You?"

"I like the Fortnight series," said Clare blushingly, feeling geeky. "Don't judge me!"

"Well, well, you like mainstream vampire novels… " smirked Eli, his eyes meeting hers. "That's not that bad- Oh wait, it is. We can't be friends, sorry!"

"You're terrible," pouted Clare.

"Hey, as long as your favorite book isn't the bible, I think we'll be okay," winked Eli.

"Oh… well, I'm a devout Catholic," frowned Clare.

"Oh. Sorry, I'm an atheist so…"

"Really? That's interesting."

"Yeah. I mean, it doesn't mean that I think you're stupid or anything-"

"Why would you think that?"

"I wouldn't! That's what I'm trying to say."

"Just because I'm a Christian, it doesn't mean that I'm stupid."

"I know, I know, I just… I need to stop talking."

"It's okay."

There was an awkward silence between them, their differences suddenly too obvious. "I like poetry," said Eli finally. Clare looked at him and smiled. "Me too! But I don't like the romantic, cutesy kind. I like the kind that will make you feel extreme emotions, the kind that-"

"Will rip your heart out?" asked Eli, his eyes shining with excitement. "Yes, I really like that kind."

"Wow, something in common!" said Clare in mock celebration. "But what should we write about?"

"Maybe the impact of poetry in our lives? I don't know…" suggested Eli.

"That sounds good," nodded Clare, writing their names on a slip of paper and their topic. "And your last name is…?"

"Goldsworthy," said Eli simply.

"Great. Let me turn this in to Ms. Dawes." She stood up and she could feel Eli's eyes on her, but chose to ignore him. As she walked over to the teacher's desk she could feel herself beaming, and then felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She walked back to her desk as she checked her phone and frowned.

_Sorry, your dad has an afternoon meeting and I can't pick you up from school today. Maybe you can ask Alli if she can give you a ride? Or take the bus? Sorry again. _

Clare sat back down and texted her mother back furiously, wanting to throw the phone away. It was all right with her, she didn't want to deal with them anyway.

"Are you okay?" asked Eli. "Bad news or something?"

"No… I mean, I'm fine," said Clare, faking a smile. "So... it's decided. Poetry it is."

Eli nodded and leaned in as their eyes met, making Clare forget briefly about her mother's text. She moved in her seat and her knee brushed Eli's, sending shivers down Clare's spine.

"It's a deal."

_**Eli**_

The dark clouds looked menacing as he approached his hearse and the rain soon started pouring on him. He got into his vehicle as fast as he could and started the engine at once. The engine was finally hot enough to drive and he drove away from the school, humming to himself. He kept thinking of Clare Edwards and her lovely smile, and he noticed that she acted pretty nervous around him. Maybe he was just imagining things.

As he drove off the Degrassi parking lot, he noticed that Clare was standing next to the bus stop sign, covering her head with her jacket as the rain started getting heavier. He hesitated, his mind telling him that the right thing to was to offer her a ride and his heart warning him that it would be a mistake.

"Damn it," he muttered as he ignored his petrified heart and drove over to the bus stop. He saw Clare's eyes widen at the sight of the hearse, and he leaned in to roll down the passenger seat's window.

"Hey, you look abandoned," said Eli, smiling at her.

"You drive a hearse?" blurted Clare in disbelief.

"Why are you so shocked?" mocked Eli. "Anyway, what are you doing standing in the rain?"

"Well, both of my parents are busy so I have to take the bus," said Clare timidly.

"But it's raining."

"You're very observant."

Eli smirked at her but then noticed that it was starting to rain harder and Clare's curls were plastered all over her face. The words were forming in his mouth but he couldn't let them out... He was terrified of speaking, not wanting to give her the wrong impression but most important… he didn't want to be too close to her.

"I'll give you a ride home."

Clare just stared at him, and Eli noticed that her eyes were suddenly filled with apprehension. He wanted to drive away, to pretend that he never asked… to pretend that they never met. Because he found her beautiful and smart, and the suddenness of such realization scared him to death.

"I promise that I don't have bodies in here… They smell after a while," joked Eli, trying to break the palpable tension.

"I don't want to bother you…" said Clare tentatively.

"Um, it's raining and I don't think you want to get sick," insisted Eli. "But, you know…"

"Okay," said Clare finally, and opened the door slowly, as if waiting for Eli to change his mind. She sat down and closed the door, not looking at Eli as she set down her books next to her. "Thanks. You don't mind if I put my books here, right?"

It was as if Clare wanted to use the books as a barrier between them.

"Not at all. Just tell me where you live," said Eli, gulping at the sight of Clare's wet clothes clinging to her body. He looked away and started driving as Clare muttered her address, feeling exceptionally nervous.

"So, your mom and dad are busy, huh?" said Eli conversationally.

"I guess," Clare sighed. "Too busy fighting with each other- Sorry, I didn't mean to say that."

Eli glanced as he drove and saw that Clare was blushing deeply. She seemed to do that easily and he found that amusingly charming.

"It happens," said Eli in an understanding tone. "People who are together for a while tend to fight every now and then."

"Do your parents fight?" asked Clare. "Ugh, sorry again, I don't mean to be nosy."

Eli chuckled at Clare and shook his head. "Not that often, but they're weird," admitted Eli. "And you're not being nosy. I guess you're entitled to know _certain_ things about me, since we're English partners and all."

"Certain things, eh?" chuckled Clare, sounding slightly happier. "Do you like playing the mysterious guy?"

"My favorite hobby," smirked Eli, glancing at her again. She was too distracting, and the mere sound of her voice was making his heart beat faster and faster. He thought of Julia, of all those nights they drove around in his hearse, Julia's head on his shoulder whenever they parked in a secluded location…

Was it cheating? He wasn't sure. He knew that he found Clare to be stunningly beautiful, but he didn't like her, _like her_. It wasn't possible to like someone that fast. All he knew was that he felt nervous, anxious, but comfortable and warm around the blue-eyed girl, and this puzzled him.

"Turn here," said Clare softly, interrupting Eli's thoughts. "Um, it's the house on the left."

Eli parked in front of Clare's house, taking in the apparent tranquility of the neighborhood. Clare grabbed her books quickly, shivering slightly.

"Thank you, Eli," she said. "I'm sure that I won't bother you again… unless it's raining tomorrow."

"Hey, no problem," said Eli sincerely. "I hope it gets better with your parents."

Why were things so awkward between them? They were looking at each other shyly and Eli couldn't help but feel utterly confused at what he was feeling.

"Bye," said Clare, her cheeks very red, and got out of the hearse. Eli watched her walk away and felt guilty, he always felt guilty whenever happiness started showing up in his life. He didn't deserve to feel anything, not after Julia's friends and family were still mourning... But he couldn't avoid Clare, her presence was suddenly vital to him, and he would have to see her every day during English class. He drove off as soon as Clare walked into her house, trying to concentrate on the road.

Eli sighed loudly as he arrived to an intersection and searched for his journal with his hand. He panicked when he noticed that his journal wasn't in the place where he had left it, and he looked underneath the seat to see if it had fallen.

"Damn it!" he muttered angrily as he looked for it, ignoring the honks behind him. Eli gasped when he remembered Clare putting her books on the seat, right on top of-

"My journal," he groaned. When Clare grabbed her books she had taken Eli's journal without noticing. Eli started hyperventilating, clutching the steering wheel with all his strength. He could see his knuckles turning white and he wanted to drive back and tear down Clare's door and grab his journal. Everything started swirling around him and he felt light-headed as he saw cars driving by in a blur.

All of his fears and nightmares, all his troubled thoughts and regrets were in that journal. His poems about Julia and about hating life were in there. That journal was his life, his anchor, one of the few things that kept him sane.

And Clare Edwards had it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Hey, I was able to update! Sorry if I have any mistakes [insert excuse here] I'm still getting used to this computer. I'm feeling a little "meh" about this chapter, but it was necessary to write. Thanks for reading! If you have any suggestions, comments, or just want to follow a random person such as moi, follow me on Twitter or Tumblr at floorplanhobo. :)**

**Dedicated to Sarenka222, DevinTheFabulous, literarylolita, fivecents and musiksnob just because I feel like it. **

_**Clare**_

She walked into her room and sighed as she dropped everything on the bed, taking in the silence surrounding her. It was nice, for a change, not having to hear her parents screaming at each other. Clare decided to get started on her homework, and grimaced at the sight of her wet books. She held her English book in her hand and frowned when she noticed that it was soaking wet. She put it aside as she checked the rest of the books and stopped when she noticed a journal that did not belong to her.

Clare took the journal, intrigued, and stopped to admire the beautiful black leather that covered it. Her heart started beating fast, and she wondered when and where she had picked up the journal. Clare almost gasped when she realized that she had probably taken it from Eli's seat. She felt embarrassed and intrusive, but curiosity got the best of her. She opened it and her eyes read the first line of the first page.

_My lips hold the memories of her skin_

She dropped the journal, feeling light-headed as shock sent waves through her body, her breathing shallow. The writing was the same… the writing was the same…

Clare looked in her desk drawer and pulled out the poem, feeling anxious and confused. She picked up the journal from the floor and put the torn page next to it, gasping for breath.

"Eli wrote it. Eli wrote this poem," Clare muttered to herself. Eli's hurried handwriting was all over the place, as if he couldn't wait to get his thoughts out of his system, and this broke Clare's heart.

_My lips hold the memories of her skin_

_And her voice I'm slowly forgetting_

_I know I need to let go of her_

_But Julia is all I know _

Clare stopped reading and closed the journal, feeling guilty about reading Eli's poetry. She placed the journal delicately on her desk, running her fingers over the battered cover. He saw Eli's initials carved on the leather and ran one of her fingers over it, shaking slightly. The author of the poem that gave her hope had been in front of her the entire time, his green eyes piercing her very own.

She didn't know what to do. She wanted to give Eli his journal back but she also wanted him to know that his poem had made her feel… less alone. But Clare didn't want to scare him away, and most of all, she didn't want him to think that she had gone through the entire journal.

Part of her wanted to read the whole thing, to know why Eli was so reserved and why his eyes were so sad. But she knew that it would be an invasion of his privacy, so she didn't.

She was terrified of facing him again, and she didn't know why. She needed a plan.

_**Eli**_

"You look terrible. No offense."

Adam was looking at him as both stood next to each other in front of their lockers, and Eli shrugged. "Didn't sleep," Eli said miserably.

He had spent all night thinking of Clare, of his journal, Julia, and his very confusing feelings. Every time he shut his eyes he imagined Clare reading his journal and being alarmed by his rather dark and depressive thoughts, never wanting to speak to him again.

"I know the feeling, man," shrugged Adam. "Lady problems?"

Eli snorted. "Kind of, yeah."

"Look, I know we have known each other for less than three seconds but, you know, I know what it's like not being able to talk to people and such," said Adam rapidly, turning slightly red. "So if you need a friend… I mean, you may have loads of them and I'm just-"

"Thanks," said Eli, feeling embarrassed. "I really appreciate it. Maybe we can hang out and read comics one day."

"Yeah, sure," blurted Adam. Both boys stared at each other uneasily and Eli cleared his throat, trying to end the uncomfortable moment.

"I have to go to class," said Eli quickly. "I'll… see you later."

"Sure, sure," mumbled Adam as Eli hurried away, his ears feeling hot. He used to be slightly more outgoing, more able to talk to people, but since Julia died he had closed himself to new friendship opportunities and alienated his other friends. Not that his other friends wanted to talk to him, they all resented him for having participated in Julia's death.

As Eli walked in, he noticed that the classroom was deserted. He was early and his heart skipped a beat as he decided to leave. He couldn't be in the same classroom as Clare Edwards. He turned around to leave and groaned.

"Hey," said Clare shyly as she stood in front of him.

"Hello," he said anxiously. "Um…"

"I don't really want to be here," said Clare, not looking directly at him. She had her eyes focused on her own feet, her hands clutching the straps of her backpack tightly.

"That makes two of us," admitted Eli. Did Clare have his journal? Was she waiting for him to ask for it?

Clare looked up and smiled bashfully. "Eli Goldsworthy, I've never skipped class before. Have you?"

"A thousand times," said Eli. "Why are you asking?"

"Do you want to skip this class, just for record-keeping sake?" asked Clare, and Eli was surprised by her suggestion.

"You're asking _me_, someone you barely know, to skip class with you?" frowned Eli.

"I'm feeling reckless," said Clare softly.

Students started walking in and Eli's mind was racing, not sure of what to do. He looked at Clare and her blue eyes were shining with expectation and he felt weak at once.

"Let's do it."

_**Later**_

They walked next to each other in silence, and Eli wondered why Clare had refused to leave her backpack in the car. The trip to the park had been awfully silent, and he could tell that Clare was deep in thought.

"So, what do you want to do?" asked Eli.

"Just walk. Maybe we can find somewhere quiet to sit or something. I really want to work on our project."

Eli felt slightly disappointed that they had skipped class just to do schoolwork, but he didn't say anything. Clare pointed to a tree and they both walked over to it, and Eli followed Clare as she sat down, placing her backpack next to her.

"Nice weather," noted Eli.

"It sure is," said Clare, looking around peacefully. "So, poetry."

"Yeah… poetry," said Eli. He still wanted to know if Clare had read his journal or not, and he was feeling frustrated. Or maybe Clare didn't have it… maybe he had misplaced it somewhere else, which was a different problem.

"At the beginning of this week, I was feeling alone and abandoned," started Clare. "I was just very… depressed. I felt like nobody understood me, like I was invisible to everyone… I don't know. It was a very strange and scary feeling."

Clare's eyes filled with tears as she looked into Eli's eyes, and he felt the sudden need of comforting her. "Seeing people who hurt me, standing like nothing had happened in the hallway, pushed me over the edge," continued Clare. "It was a sad situation. And then I found this on the floor."

Clare took Eli's poem out of her pocket, the paper battered and crumpled, and smiled directly at him. "I locked myself in a bathroom stall, ready to throw it away, and then I read it."

Eli didn't say anything; he knew that any words would betray his current emotional state. He simply looked at Clare, waiting for her to continue talking.

"It was a beautiful poem, filled with emotion, rage and despair," said Clare. "I felt like someone wrote it for me, to let me know that I'm not alone. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone."

Clare took her backpack and pulled Eli's journal out of it. "I didn't know what this was until I opened it and read the first few lines. That's all I read, I promise." She handed the journal back to him and he took it cautiously, not daring to look at her.

"You wrote the poem."

Eli felt a lump forming in his throat, and couldn't speak. He had no idea that his poem had meant so much to Clare and was surprised that she didn't read the entire journal. He finally looked at her, their eyes meeting, and the sincerity in her eyes startled him.

"I did. I wrote it. I misplaced it."

Silence engulfed them and Eli didn't know what to do. It was an unusual situation, but Clare didn't seem to mind. Both sat there in silence as Eli looked through his journal, his eyes scanning the pages. He felt suddenly exhausted, and lay on the grass, staring at the sky. He held his journal close to his chest and he could feel Clare's eyes on him. There was something about the situation that made him feel much better, and a little voice in the back of his mind told him that it was okay to open up every now and then.

"I started writing to try to get rid of the pain," said Eli finally.

"That's a good way to do that," said Clare calmly.

"It works sometimes," confessed Eli. "Not all the time. I don't know."

He felt as Clare lay next to him, and he heard her sigh. "I like to write too. But right now, with everything going on in my life, I just can't. I have no inspiration, nothing. It's like stress and anger is consuming me and everything I love."

"You should use that to your advantage," said Eli pensively.

"I know," sighed Clare. "Sorry for taking your journal."

"You didn't mean to," said Eli.

"Sorry about the pain in your life," muttered Clare.

"Sorry about the anger in yours," replied Eli.

Eli let go of his journal and let his arms fall to the ground, closing his eyes as he did. His hand brushed Clare's and he felt her stiffen at once but she didn't move her hand. He had no idea what was going on, but all he wanted was to hold Clare's hand, to hold on to it and never let go. Eli tentatively stroked Clare's hand with one of his fingers, her skin burning his fingertip.

"We are broken souls," said Clare simply, and Eli smiled.

"We are. Maybe that's why we like being around each other."

"Maybe."

Eli's fingers slid between Clare's and he clutched her warm hand, waiting for her to react. She squeezed back and he felt elated, his eyes still closed. Holding Clare's hand had been a daring decision, but Eli didn't care. Clare didn't seem to mind either. The connection Eli felt with Clare was scaring him senseless, he had never felt that way before. But he felt that if he let go of Clare's hand, everything would be lost.

How could he feel so connected to someone he barely knew and had spoken to just a few times?

Nothing made sense but he didn't want to bother finding a reason behind his feelings for Clare. He wasn't sure what the exact feelings were, but he had time to figure them out. Hours, days, weeks, months.

"I wonder if we'll get detention for skipping class," Clare mused, their hands still intertwined.

"Clare Edwards… I honestly don't care."

"Neither do I."

_**Clare**_

Clare couldn't believe that she was holding hands with someone she had barely met. But the atmosphere wasn't one of romance, it was something deeper than that and she felt confused by it. She just knew that Eli's hand holding hers felt just right.

"So, you're not scared of me or anything?" asked Eli.

"No," chuckled Clare. "Should I be? Are you a vampire or something? A murderer?"

Eli didn't reply and Clare squeezed his hand again. "I was kidding."

"I wasn't. I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to hang out with," said Eli seriously.

"This is pleasant," said Clare.

"Yeah… you're right about that."

Things had gone better than she had expected. She had thought of apologizing to Eli over and over again about taking his journal, but he seemed okay. The name _Julia _was lurking in the back of her mind, but she had the feeling that Eli would avoid the subject.

"Are you single?" asked Eli suddenly. "I just don't want an angry boyfriend to beat me up if… you know, he happens to walk by."

"I'm single," said Clare, thinking briefly of K.C. "And we're not doing anything wrong, we're just… friends."

"Friends? After knowing each other for only a few days?" sneered Eli.

"I feel like I've known you longer," blurted Clare, blushing at once. "Oh, that sounded desperate."

"Not really," said Eli, his tone slightly happier.

An unpleasant thought ran through Clare's mind, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer to what she was about to ask. "Are you?"

"Desperate? No."

"I meant single," chuckled Clare.

Eli was silent for a moment, as if pondering his answer, and Clare felt uneasy. "I'm not dating anyone, no," said Eli finally, but Clare noted the reservation in his voice.

"Oh."

"Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way," said Eli, sounding relieved.

Did he have a girlfriend? Or maybe he was still in love with that Julia girl? Clare didn't want to be the other girl in any sense, but then she realized that she was only friends with Eli. The hand-holding was just a… _friendly_ thing.

"I'm really glad that you're my English partner, Clare," said Eli, and Clare turned her head to look at him. He was looking at her with an undefined emotion in his eyes, and she could feel the grass scratching her cheek.

"You're really lucky, you know," mocked Clare.

Eli smirked at her, making Clare feel slightly dizzy. "I'm not stupid. I know."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. **

**Author's note: This is set two weeks after last chapter. This is more of a "friendship" chapter, focused more on Eli/Adam and Alli/Clare, but it's necessary for the transition into future chapters. I promise that the next chapter will have lots and lots of Eclare. I'll try to post it tomorrow, but no promises! **

_**Eli**_

"What? What? In your face, Eli!"

Adam started jumping up and down, holding the video game control in his hands, looking ecstatic. Eli slumped in the couch, sighing in mock defeat as Adam celebrated beating him –again- in the car racing game they were playing.

Eli had been spending some time after school at Adam's house, reading comics and hanging out. He could tell that Adam's mom hated him, but he could care less. Eli couldn't stand Adam's stepbrother, Drew, but he really enjoyed having a friend so he decided to put up with the shallow jock.

However, when Adam asked if they could hang out at Eli's for a change, he freaked out a little. He told Adam that they would have to hang in the living room because his room was undergoing some "construction," and Adam seemed to be okay with it.

"Okay, Torres, I get it," mocked Eli. "You're the king of car races. I'm not. We should play a wrestling game instead; I promise you that I will kick your ass."

"Oh, bring it, Elijah," said Adam cheekily.

Eli grinned as he stood up and looked through the box where Bullfrog used to store all the video games, and he suddenly thought of Clare. They had spent several afternoons at the park, holding hands and talking about normal things. He loved spending time with her, and every time he thought of her, a huge smile would appear on his face. Even Eli's therapist and parents had noticed a change in his mood and attributed it to the new school. Eli didn't mention Clare at all, he wanted to keep his feelings a secret, because he didn't want to ruin anything.

Especially because he knew that he could never be more than just friends with Clare.

Eli heard the front door open and soon enough Bullfrog walked into the living room and seemed surprised to see Adam in there. "Hey there! You must be Adam."

"Oh, Adam, this is my dad-" started Eli.

"The famous Bullfrog!" said Adam excitedly. "Nice to meet you, sir."

"Sir?" snorted Bullfrog. "I'm not that old. What are you guys up to?"

"Well, Adam just kicked my ass in car racing," said Eli.

Bullfrog chuckled heartily at this, and Eli shook his head. "Eli is terrible at those games," noted Bullfrog.

"He sure is," said Adam, punching Eli playfully in the arm.

"Okay, guys, I'm going to my office," said Bullfrog pleasantly. "Cece is on her way home, but if you guys need anything let me know. Except videogame-playing skills, Eli, you're hopeless."

Adam laughed uncontrollably as Bullfrog left the room, and Eli could feel his ears burning. "Everybody is against me, huh?"

"Well, you do suck," grinned Adam.

"Fuck you," said Eli, and shoved Adam playfully. Adam shoved him back and soon both boys were wrestling on the floor, with Eli running out of breath. Adam punched gently Eli in the stomach and Eli laughed, tugging forcefully on Adam's shirt. Adam was soon on top of him, laughing and asking Eli if he had had enough.

"Never, you little asshole!" said Eli and put his hands on Adam's chest to push him off but removed them at once when he felt… no… it couldn't be...

Adam had… breasts?

"What the fuck?" mumbled Eli and moved away from Adam, his mouth open in disbelief. Adam's eyes were filled with terror and he scrambled to stand up, looking extremely upset.

"I have to go, sorry," said Adam nervously.

Adam grabbed his backpack from the floor and attempted to run, but Eli stood up quickly grabbed him by the wrist, forcing him to stay. "Wait, wait, where are you going?" blurted Eli.

"Home."

"No. Explain."

Adam dropped his bag and crossed his arms, not looking at Eli. "I'm waiting," said Eli.

"If you don't want to talk to me again I will understand," said Adam apologetically.

"Stop being so fucking mysterious and tell me what's going on," snapped Eli. Adam gulped several times and sat down on the couch, and Eli followed. Twenty minutes went by, and Adam finally opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm a transgender," muttered Adam. "Female to male. In other words, I'm a guy trapped in a girl's body."

It took Eli a moment to process the news, and he never stopped looking directly at Adam. "When did you realize this?" asked Eli calmly.

"I was very young… I just knew," shrugged Adam. "And it sucks sometimes, you know? Because I know I'm a guy but… I don't know. People will still judge me all the time, telling me I'm not normal."

"That sounds pretty intense," admitted Eli.

"And I guess that while we were wrestling my bandages came off, so-"

"Sorry about that," winced Eli.

"Yeah… oh, well."

Adam was looking over at Eli anxiously, as if waiting for his reaction. "We all have secrets, I guess," pondered Eli.

"Are you okay with it?" asked Adam. "Again, if you think it's too weird… If it helps, I'm straight. I'm a straight guy so, don't worry, I'm not attracted to you or anything."

Eli started laughing and Adam seemed profoundly relieved. "Oh, even if you were gay, I wouldn't care," said Eli. "And you're a pretty cool guy, so why would I mind?"

"Really?" smiled Adam. "Cool, cool."

"Yeah, it's nice to have a friend like you," said Eli honestly.

"Same here," said Adam. "But enough of this mushy crap. Do you want to continue playing or what?"

"Oh yeah, I still need to kick your ass," smirked Eli.

"Whatever," chuckled Adam. "Hey, seeing how we're now friends and all, I'm curious about something."

Eli hesitated. "Yeah?"

"I always see you talking to this girl," said Adam. "Is that your girlfriend? The one you were losing sleep over?"

"Clare? No, she's not my girlfriend," said Eli. "We're just friends."

"Oh, I just thought-"

A sudden thought ran through Eli's mind, and he didn't like it. "Why? Are you interested in her?"

"What? No, not my type," grimaced Adam. "I just wondered. Are _you_ interested in her?"

Eli looked away and grabbed one of the wrestling video games. "Um, are we going to play or what?"

"Well, well, well," mocked Adam. "I see that you're trying to avoid the subject. Oh, did she reject you? I know what that's like."

"It's a bit more complicated than that," said Eli. He simply stared at the game in his hands, remaining silent.

"I'm waiting," said Adam, repeating Eli's previous words.

"As I said before, we all have secrets," said Eli sadly. "I have one that prevents me from… well, from telling Clare how I feel."

"It can't be that bad, dude," said Adam. "Unless it's like an STD or something- okay, okay, I'm being serious. You can tell me."

"I've never talked about this with anyone," confessed Eli. "Why should I trust you?"

"Because I just spilled my guts out to you," deadpanned Adam. "And because keeping secrets it's not healthy, you know? Believe me, I know."

Eli knew that Adam was right, but he was still hesitant to say anything. "Well, now I'm the one telling you that you might stop talking to me after this," sighed Eli.

"Try me." Adam was looking at him in a defiant way, and Eli closed his eyes, shaking his head.

"Last year, I had a terrible fight with Julia, my girlfriend at the time. It was my fault, and we were both being stubborn, as always. She left that night, she was really pissed off at me, and she was riding her bike when she got hit by a car. Three hours later I got the call-" Eli's voice broke and he couldn't continue talking.

Adam put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "Wow. Sorry, man."

"It was my fault. I killed her, Adam."

"No, you didn't. You weren't driving that car."

"I made her leave. I yelled at her and that's why she left that night. If I hadn't-"

"You didn't kill her!"

"I did, Adam. Maybe indirectly, but I did."

They were silent for a long time, with Adam sighing every five seconds. "Clare is not Julia, Eli. It doesn't mean that if you date her she will die too. It is not the same."

"You don't know that," said Eli miserably. "I can't risk it. I care about Clare too much."

Eli clutched the video game and looked at Adam. "Let's just play, okay?"

Adam nodded, his eyes looking at Eli with pity.

_**Clare**_

"I can't believe that we're finally hanging out," said Alli excitedly as he painted her toenails, sitting on Clare's bed.

Clare was sitting next to her, working on her math homework. "Well, Alli, you've been way too busy with that new boyfriend of yours," sneered Clare.

"Drew is not my boyfriend," pouted Alli. "He has made that pretty clear. And you've been running around with that mysterious English partner of yours."

"We're just friends," said Clare quickly.

"Hand-holding in the park? Yeah, just friends," mocked Alli. "Has he made a move already? He's taking his sweet time and that's not fair to you."

Clare stopped working on her formulas and considered Alli's comment. She could feel the attraction between them, but every time it seemed that Eli was about to make a move, he would hold back and do nothing. It was very confusing to Clare, but she also thought that she was probably mistaken and that Eli only saw her as a friend, nothing else.

"Tell me more about Drew," said Clare, wanting to change the subject. Alli started talking about how wonderful of a kisser Drew was, how his hands moved under her shirt expertly, and how she had to hide a hickey from her parents.

"What do you guys talk about?" asked Clare.

"Well, normal stuff, you know," shrugged Alli. "Movies, music."

"What about deeper stuff?"

"We're not at that level yet, dear Clare," giggled Alli.

"I see… do you feel a connection to Drew?" asked Clare, thinking about her feelings for Eli.

"Connection? I guess… I think that comes later in the relationship," said Alli. "We're just having fun, and I like him a lot. Why, do you have a connection with Mystery Boy?"

"His name is Eli," said Clare dryly. "And… yes, I do."

"Tell him that you like him," suggested Alli. "Maybe he's shy."

Clare ignored Alli and started working again on her homework. Mrs. Edwards looked into the room as she walked by and greeted Alli. They made small talk for a few minutes and then Clare's mom left the room.

"Are they still fighting?" whispered Alli.

"They're not talking to each other at the moment," muttered Clare bitterly. "I don't know if that's better than the constant shouting, to be honest."

"I'm sorry, Clare," said Alli sadly.

"For what?"

"I feel like I haven't been here for you… Like nothing I say helps," mumbled Alli. Clare turned to look at her best friend and gave her a hug. They both held on to each other and Clare could hear Alli sniffing.

"You're here right now," said Clare. "That's enough for me."

"I wish I could do more," insisted Alli as they let go of each other. "I want to see you happy again."

"I'm getting there," admitted Clare, thinking of Eli. Even if Eli didn't have romantic feelings for her, he was very understanding of everything Clare was going through, and he always had the right things to say. Clare wished that Eli would open up more to her; it seemed that she was always the only one doing the talking whenever they hung out.

Clare's phone started ringing and she picked it up at once, shooting an apologetic look to Alli. It was Eli.

"Hi, Eli."

"Hey. What are you doing?"

"I'm just hanging out with my best friend, doing homework."

"Sounds fun."

"Haha, it actually is. What's up?"

"Tomorrow I won't be able to hang out at the park after school… something came up. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you in class, right?"

"Of course, of course."

"Well… that's good."

"Yeah."

Eli seemed kind of distant, but then again, it was a phone call. And why did he call her to tell her that? He could have waited until the next day and tell her during class.

"Clare?"

"Yes?"

"I really like spending time with you, so I'm truly sorry about tomorrow. I'll make it up to you."

Clare's heart started beating faster after hearing the change of tone in Eli's voice.

"I really like spending time with you too, so I'll hold you up to that promise."

Alli rolled her eyes at Clare, pretending to throw up as Clare started blushing.

"I know you will. See you tomorrow, Clare."

"Bye, Eli."

Clare hung up and put her phone aside, waiting for Alli's comment.

"Just get married already," said Alli, sticking out her tongue.

"Shut up," blushed Clare.

"Alli?" Mrs. Edwards asked, walking into the room again. "I have to ask you something."

Clare glanced at her mom quizzically. "Oh, well, I'll have to go out of town this weekend," explained Mrs. Edwards. "And your dad will be on a business trip. I wanted to ask Alli if she could stay with you."

"Where are you going?" asked Clare.

"To aunt Laura's," said Mrs. Edwards. "Just a quick visit."

Clare's heart stopped for a moment, and she started feeling sick at once.

"I would love to, Mrs. Edwards," said Alli cheerfully.

"Thanks, Alli," said Mrs. Edwards. "We'll talk later, Clare."

Clare felt the bile rise in her throat as her mother walked out of the bedroom, and she ran to her bathroom, ignoring Alli's concerned remarks.

She threw up in the toilet, feeling miserable and terribly concerned. Alli walked in and held Clare's hair, rubbing her back with her hand.

"What's wrong?" asked Alli in alarm.

"Aunt Laura is my mom's best friend," sobbed Clare. "She's a divorce lawyer."

Clare couldn't stop sobbing and Alli flung her arms around her, holding her close. "I'm so sorry, Clare."

Clare hugged Alli back, the sadness and anger consuming her once again, and she knew that her family was about to fall apart.

Everything was lost.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or "White Blank Page" by Mumford and Sons.**

**Author's note: Healthy dose of Eclare in this chapter, just for you. I'm pretty sure it turned out better in my head, but hopefully it won't be that bad for you guys. **

_**Clare**_

Her mother had not said a word from the moment they left the house, and Clare felt incredibly frustrated. When she asked her mom the motive of the visit to Aunt Laura, she had avoided the subject swiftly, just saying that they needed to "catch up." Clare didn't believe a word of it, and she knew that the end of her parents' marriage was near.

"Are you excited about Alli spending the weekend with you?" asked Mrs. Edwards as she stopped in front of Degrassi, a fake smile on her face.

"I'm thrilled," said Clare dryly and her mother gave an exasperated sigh.

"Clare, your behavior is seriously getting on my nerves," snapped Mrs. Edwards.

"That's great," retorted Clare as she got out of the car and slammed the door behind her. "Have a nice trip!"

She walked towards the school angrily, feeling slightly nauseous as she did. Clare spotted Alli near the entrance and offered her a weak smile which disappeared as soon as she noticed the apologetic look on her best friend's face.

"What?" sighed Clare.

"Okay, so, I_ am _staying with you this weekend… just not tonight," said Alli quickly. "Drew already had plans for us plans and I-"

"Shocking," said Clare crossly.

"I can call your mom and tell her," said Alli as they both walked to their lockers. "Clare, sorry, I just completely forgot."

"Alli, don't worry about it," responded Clare, feeling impatient. "I will survive by myself for one night."

Clare felt slightly grateful that she would have the house for herself. She thought of catching up with homework (those outings with Eli were certainly distracting) and maybe doing some writing of her own. Eli was right; she needed to use her anger to her advantage and write about it. Maybe it would help ease the pain.

"I will be at your house on Saturday morning, I promise," said Alli cheerfully. "Maybe we can bake some cookies, that would be great!"

"Yeah, great," said Clare, feigning delight. They talked for a few more minutes before heading to their separate classes, and Clare couldn't wait to see Eli. The time she spent with him always made her day better because he made her forget about the wretchedness going on at her house.

Sure enough, Eli was already sitting there, writing on his journal. He seemed deeply concentrated and Clare felt uneasy about interrupting him, but she took the seat in front of him anyway.

"Morning," she said, smiling at him. Eli looked up from his journal and gave her his signature crooked smile, his eyes piercing as always.

"Sorry about not being able to hang out today, being a Friday and all," said Eli in a guilty tone. "My dad wants me to help him move some stuff. But, I have something for you."

He pulled out a battered CD case from his backpack and handed it to Clare tentatively. "This is the mix I listen to every time I have writer's block," he explained. "It's a bit eclectic but it always helps. Maybe it will help you too."

Clare noticed that there was a slight blush on Eli's cheeks, something she had never seen before. "Thanks, this is really nice of you," said Clare nervously.

"This is what friends are for," shrugged Eli, and continued writing on his journal.

_Friends. _

Clare looked at the case and saw Eli's scribbles on the booklet. "There is a band called Deer Tick?" snorted Clare.

"Hey, their song '20 Miles' is pretty amazing," said Eli defensively. "Don't you dare judge my taste in music!"

"Oh, you have Joseph Arthur in here," pointed out Clare. "I'm shocked. Someone like you, listening to folk-rock? I'm impressed with your musical spectrum!"

"Don't get too excited, there is a Fall Out Boy song in there," mocked Eli. They looked at each other and laughed, oblivious to the students entering the classroom, and Clare wished for the moment to last forever.

_**Eli**_

"I'm hating you right now."

Eli glared playfully at Bullfrog as they moved several cases containing old vinyl records, and Eli couldn't help but feel impressed at his father's music collection. He noticed an old Foreigner vinyl and winced when Bullfrog mentioned that Eli was probably conceived while listening to it.

"Cece does love Foreigner," winked Bullfrog.

"Ugh, quiet," groaned Eli as he moved another case.

"We need to rest, boy," said Bullfrog breathlessly and they both sat on the office's dusty carpet. "Man, I own way too many records."

"There is no such thing," mocked Eli.

They both sat there in silence and Eli's phone suddenly vibrated. He looked at it and saw that it was a text message from Adam.

_So, Clare is all alone in her house, my dear friend. Her parents are gone for the weekend._

Eli's eyes widened and cleared his throat as he texted back.

_How do you know this?_

"Hey, no texting in my presence!" complained Bullfrog. "Those devices are the devil, I tell you."

Eli snorted as his phone vibrated again.

_Because my brother is dating her best friend, duh. They're spending the night at some motel or something classy like that. Alli was supposed to stay with Clare but apparently your lady friend is all alone tonight._

Eli considered Adam's words, and glanced at his father. He felt extremely tempted to pay Clare a visit, but he wasn't sure that he would be able to keep his feelings a secret anymore. But he also needed Clare, he wanted to spend time with her, he wanted to be around her because she was the only person that made him feel… better.

"Are we done yet?" asked Eli anxiously.

"Oh, no, you're not dumping me for your beanie-wearing friend," protested Bullfrog. "I love that little man, but seriously, I am your father!"

"Okay, Darth Vader," smirked Eli. "I'm not dumping you for Adam."

Bullfrog raised his eyebrows in mock shock and crossed his arms. "Oh, really? Then it's your therapist? Or Lola, the bathroom attendant at the radio station?"

"Gross," chuckled Eli. "No… I'm dumping you for Clare."

Eli waited for his father's reaction, which ranged from mild amusement to concern, from shock to mere happiness.

"A girl?" gasped Bullfrog. "Like a real girl or one of those inflatable devices?"

"Can we be serious for a minute?" pleaded Eli. "I'm scared to death."

He had always avoided having any "romance" conversations with his father, because he knew that Bullfrog would try to embarrass the hell out of him. The "sex talk" was still too vividly present in Eli's mind.

"Why are you scared?" asked Bullfrog, sounding serious.

"Are you seriously asking me that?" said Eli in a pained tone.

"Son, you need to let go of Julia," said Bullfrog calmly. "You will never be truly happy until you do. All that guilt you have! Are you sure you're an atheist ? Maybe you're still Jewish in the inside."

"It's not that easy," muttered Eli.

"This Clare girl… why do you like her?" asked Bullfrog curiously. "What is she like?"

"She's… different," admitted Eli. "When I met Julia, it was like I recognized my own kind, we were so similar. We had tons of things in common and I just felt so comfortable around her. With Clare… it's different. It's this odd connection that I can't explain, we are so terribly different and yet, I just want to spend time with her. I want to figure her out."

Bullfrog opened his mouth to say something but stopped and merely smiled at Eli. "I see. I guess I can finish this by myself… get the hell out of here."

Eli smiled gratefully at his father and ran out of the room, not sure of what he was doing. Part of him wanted to remain just friends with Clare just to protect her from any heartbreak, but a stronger part of him just wanted to be with her. He texted Adam thanking him for letting him know about Clare, and smirked when his friend texted him back.

_You owe me, Elijah. _

_**Clare**_

She was typing rapidly on her laptop, the inspiration flowing from her like never before. Eli's CD was certainly helping, not so much because of the songs, but because she imagined Eli sitting at his desk, writing on his journal.

Clare smiled as she noticed that she had typed more than ten pages with just random thoughts and ideas, all of them related to the current situation in her family. Her face was wet with tears because she had laughed, cried, and laughed again as she wrote. She was thankful that she was home alone so no one could see the emotional wreck she was.

The doorbell rang and she frowned, wondering if Alli's date with Drew had ended early. Clare didn't feel in the mood to listen to boy problems, but after Alli's support during her mini-breakdown the day before, it was the least she could do.

Clare opened the front door and her heart stopped at the sight of Eli. "You," she gasped.

"Hello, Clare, nice to see you," sneered Eli. "May I come in?"

"What? Yes, I mean, of course," mumbled Clare as she let Eli in. _A boy in the house!_ thought Clare in a panic, but she also felt thrilled with Eli's presence.

"I finished the thing I had to do a bit early," said Eli simply. "I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out."

"You could have called," said Clare.

"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" shrugged Eli. He stopped talking and it seemed that he was listening to something. "Oh, I can hear my CD in the background. Did it help?"

"It did," said Clare happily. "Come, let me show you."

She grabbed Eli by the hand and dragged him to her room without thinking. As soon as they got to her door she realized that she had been quite reckless. Clare had directed Eli to her bedroom, a move her parents would certainly not approve.

But her parents weren't there and Clare felt suddenly rebellious. "Come on," she beckoned, and Eli seemed just slightly uneasy.

"Hello, Clare's bedroom," he mocked as they walked over to her desk. Clare pointed at her laptop's screen and Eli read some of the paragraphs, his smile getting wider and wider.

"This is really good, Clare!" he said excitedly as he read. "It's simply superb."

"Superb, huh?" grinned Clare and Eli sat on the chair.

"Yes, dear lady," he smiled. "It's amazing."

Eli continued to read and Clare looked around for her coat as "20 Miles" by Deer Tick ended. "You were right, Deer Tick is a decent band," admitted Clare. "Even if their name is a bit funny."

"Told you," said Eli, still reading. "So, do you want to go out?"

"Yeah, where should we go?" wondered Clare. Eli stopped reading and stood up, still smiling at Clare.

"I don't know, it's your pick," he said. "Your wish is my command."

Clare chuckled and then a soft guitar melody filled the room. There was a change of emotion in Eli's eyes, one that Clare had never seen before.

"I really like this song," said Eli softly, walking closer to her. "Clare, when was the last time you danced?"

Clare thought briefly of KC, of their first dance, then their first kiss, and tried not to wince at the bittersweet memories. "It's been a while," said Clare sincerely. "It brings back memories so…"

_Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart  
As well as your body?  
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love_

Eli took her hand and pulled her close to him, and Clare noticed that he gulped nervously several times. "I don't know… why I'm doing this," he muttered and Clare felt confused.

Clare wrapped her arms around Eli's neck instinctively and soon his hands were on the small of her back. Everything was so sudden, as if the moment they had both been avoiding and tiptoeing around had decided to finally trap them.

"Why are you here?" asked Clare, looking into his eyes.

"I told you… I finished my chores early," gulped Eli.

"Why are you _really _here?" rephrased Clare.

"I don't know."

Eli seemed to be struggling with something, something that he couldn't tell Clare. She wanted him to open up, to tell her everything that was going with him, to stop being so distant.

"I'm glad you're here, regardless," admitted Clare.

"I don't know if you should be," said Eli coldly, and his eyes were suddenly filled with fear.

_A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage  
You did not think when you sent me to the brake, the brake  
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections_

"I think I like you too much," said Eli finally, and Clare tried not to squeal with joy. Eli had finally admitted his feelings and she wanted to say something, but he seemed miserable. Why was he so sad about liking her?

"Eli-" started Clare.

"I'm sorry," muttered Eli.

"About what?"

Eli kissed her on the forehead and then moved down to her cheek. His lips felt slightly chapped and cold, but Clare closed her eyes, enjoying the brand-new sensation. Eli then kissed the corner of her lips and she felt suddenly dizzy, wanting more of him.

He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, very tentatively, as if afraid that if he truly kissed her something bad would happen. Clare pulled him closer and their lips met, at last.

_**Eli**_

He had never intended to kiss her when they started dancing, but there was something about the way Clare was looking at him that made him finally give in. His mind had warned him against kissing her, but for the first time in months, Eli decided to follow his heart.

He kissed her slowly, enjoying the texture of Clare's full lips, and he wondered how he had been able to survive without kissing her. It was a whole new feeling, and although he couldn't help thinking about Julia, he didn't regret kissing Clare.

He pulled her closer to him as the kiss intensified, and he was feeling breathless.

_But tell me now, where was my fault  
In loving you with all my heart  
Oh tell me now, where was my fault  
In loving you with all my heart_

"Maybe we can stay here?" breathed Clare, and Eli nodded.

They moved to her bed and they lay next to each other, with Eli's arms still wrapped around her. He couldn't stop kissing her, it was as if Clare's lips were the only thing keeping him alive. He had thought of kissing her before, but he had never imagined that their first kiss would end up that way.

"I'm not a good person," said Eli, as Clare kissed a spot on his jawline.

"I think you are, Eli," said Clare, the sincerity in her voice almost sickening.

"You don't really know me," insisted Eli, thinking of Julia and the call that changed his life.

He searched for Clare's lips and kissed her again, the guilt briefly forgotten.

"Can you stay?" asked Clare innocently. "I mean, we're not doing anything, I just… don't want to be alone. My parents are getting divorced and I just…"

"What? They _are_ getting a divorce?" frowned Eli.

"Yes. I don't want to talk about it right now but… Please stay."

She looked so fragile and broken that Eli couldn't say no.

"I'll stay."

They kissed again, and Eli kept holding on to Clare's warmth, trying to forget that he was capable of destroying her.

_Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life_

_**Clare**_

She had woken up several times at night, still shocked that the arms around her were Eli's. Her back had been pressed to his chest, and Eli would notice when she was awake because he would kiss her neck softly and tell her that everything would be okay.

Clare finally fell deeply asleep around four in the morning, and when she woke up again she looked at her alarm clock and noticed that she had overslept. It was ten in the morning, and she hoped that she hadn't missed Alli's call.

The next thing she noticed was that Eli was not next to her anymore and she felt suddenly cold. She looked around her bedroom and there was no sign of him. She frowned as she got out of bed, still fully clothed and stepped out of her bedroom, feeling anxious.

"Eli?" she asked out loud.

He couldn't have left, she thought. He would have said something, left a note… something. She called his name again and looked around the house, but it was pointless.

He was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Wow, guys, thank you so much for all your reviews and love and comments and well, everything! It means so much to me and all of you are so wonderful, really! :)**

**A/N 2: Also, if you're not familiar with a confessional, just look for it on Google images… they are rarely used now and I miss them sometimes. :(**

_**Eli**_

"Well, look who's here," said Bullfrog smugly as Eli walked into the kitchen. Cece was cooking breakfast while she hummed happily, and Eli noticed that had a vibrant look on her face.

"Your dad told me about Clare," smiled Cece as she fried some bacon. "I'm so happy for you."

Eli didn't dare tell his parents the truth, that he had abandoned Clare early in the morning because he was terrified. "Yeah… thanks," shrugged Eli. "I'm going upstairs, okay?"

"Wait, wait, tell us what happened," called Bullfrog. "We don't need any _details_, if you know what I mean, but…"

"Nothing happened," said Eli grimly and the room went silent. "I'm going upstairs to take a nap."

He walked out of the kitchen, dragging his feet along as he did. Kissing Clare had been a mind-blowing experience and being able to hold her in his arms all night had been thrilling, but he couldn't stay with her.

He couldn't be with her, as simple as that.

Eli had watched Clare sleep and couldn't stop thinking about Julia. How peacefully Julia had slept next to him many times, unaware of her fate. Eli walked into his room and locked the door behind him, sighing at the sight of his room.

He walked over to one of the piles, not without tripping first, and he cursed loudly. "I'm so tired of this shit!" Eli yelled, and started throwing things around. He didn't care what he was throwing; he just listened to the sound of stuff breaking, the burden in his chest feeling heavier and heavier.

He stepped on something and it cracked, and Eli immediately looked at the floor. He could see Julia's face looking at him, buried beneath clothes and old magazines. Eli picked up the old frame and ran his fingers over the broken glass, cutting one of his fingers in the process.

"Fuck," he muttered, and wiped the blood off the frame with his sleeve. Eli stared at the picture and felt astoundingly sad at once... He was kissing Julia on the cheek, both of them young and happy-looking. Julia looked radiant and… well, alive.

"I'm sorry," said Eli, and put the frame inside one of his drawers. "I'm so sorry."

"What is going on in there?" yelled Bullfrog on the other side of the door.

"Nothing!" snapped Eli loudly.

"Eli, talk to us," pleaded Cece. "Do you want me to call Dr. Porter?"

"No, just leave me alone!" bellowed Eli furiously.

He sat on top of one the piles and looked around. He ran his hands through his hair frantically, hating himself, hating his life. He really liked Clare but he didn't want to hurt her… And even if they stayed together, he would have to tell her about Julia eventually…

Clare would leave him, he was sure of it. As soon as she discovered the reason behind the fight he had with Julia, Clare would leave him.

His door opened and Cece walked into the room, looking directly at him. She closed the door and leaned against it, taking in the mess that was Eli's room. Eli grabbed an old book from the floor and flipped through it, not really focusing on the words.

"What happened with Clare, Eli?" asked Cece gently, walking through the piles. She sat next to her son and put an arm around him, and Eli tried hard not to break down.

"I kissed her," muttered Eli. "I messed up."

"She didn't want you to kiss her or something?" asked Cece, sounding confused.

"It's not that…" sighed Eli. "She kissed me back… It was great. She asked me to stay with her last night. Nothing happened, we just…"

Eli stopped talking and closed the book. He threw it aside and looked at his mother, and her sad eyes made him feel guilty.

"You thought of Julia, didn't you," stated Cece.

"Yes."

"Are you still in love with Julia? Because that wouldn't be fair to Clare."

Eli thought about his mother's question for a split second before responding. "No. I mean, I still love Julia in a way, because we shared so much. But I think it's more about the way she died… why she died that night… it still haunts me."

"Are you afraid that the same thing will happen to Clare?" asked Cece.

"Yes. Of course."

Cece sighed and pulled Eli closer, giving him a kiss on top of his head. "Guilt will never get you places, Eli. I know that you feel guilty about what happened before the fight. I know that you two tried to make the relationship work after the, _ahem_, incident. But you really need stop blaming yourself for her death."

"I can't," said Eli, his voice breaking. "I feel like I'm going to hurt Clare the same way I hurt Julia."

"You're not the same person," said Cece simply. "You've changed. You know better now."

Their eyes met briefly, and Cece sighed loudly. "Tell Clare about Julia. But take it slow, don't tell her everything at once. Just… let her know that you'll talk about _everything_ when you're ready."

"What if she runs away?" asked Eli in pain. In that moment he realized that he liked Clare more than he thought he did, and that she was incredibly vital to him.

"Take the risk, Eli," said Cece, and kissed him on the forehead lovingly. "I did with your dad. And hey, we're still together."

Eli looked at his mother with immense gratitude and hugged her. "I kind of left without saying goodbye," mumbled Eli. "I have to fix this somehow."

Cece chuckled merrily, and tried to fix Eli's hair with her hand.

"You _are _a mess, baby boy."

_**Clare**_

"He_ left_? _Just like that?_" snorted Alli in disbelief.

Clare glanced at the oven, waiting for the cookies to finish baking. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," said Clare sadly. "Let's talk about Drew instead."

"I just hate Eli so much right now!" snapped Alli. "What is his problem? Seriously!"

Clare was amused by her best friend's reaction and giggled. "Oh, Alli, don't worry about it," insisted Clare.

"So he spent the night and you guys only kissed?" asked Alli.

"It was our first kiss, okay?" blushed Clare. "Nothing was going to happen."

Alli smiled at Clare knowingly and tapped her fingers on the kitchen counter. "Was it good?"

"Alli!"

"Come on, I told you about Drew," grinned Alli. "It's only fair!"

"This is different. You had sex with Drew, I just kissed Eli," said Clare nervously. Clare couldn't get rid of the memory of Eli's lips on hers, the way he had kissed her was so… mature and loving. She had never felt like that with KC, and the burning sensation in her chest had scared her. Because she felt that if Eli had wanted to take things further, she wouldn't have been able to say no.

"Clare… stop avoiding it!" chuckled Alli. "Is he a good kisser?"

"Yes, he is," blurted Clare, looking away.

"I wonder why he left," mused Alli and Clare wished she knew the answer to that.

"Hey, Alli… do you mind if I go to church after the cookies come out?" asked Clare suddenly. "I mean, you can stay here, of course… it will only take me an hour or two."

"Oh, Clare, it's a Saturday!" protested Alli.

"I know, but I need to clear my head… and I usually go to church to do that."

Alli shook her head at Clare and shrugged, resigned. "Can I use your computer then? To chat with Drew."

"Didn't you spend an entire night with him yesterday?" said Clare, raising her eyebrows.

"It's love, Clare, I just know," said Alli dreamily.

_Love?_

Clare thought of how she felt when Eli kissed her, of when he held her in his arms… his lips on her neck… and how devastated she felt when he left.

_This can't be love. Not yet. _

_**Later**_

Clare sat on the bench, enjoying the solitude of the church. The evening mass would not start for another three hours, so she had time. She saw some altar boys cleaning up, and she recognized a couple of them. Clare read the missalette in her hands, going through the different lectures.

She glanced around and saw the old confessional near the altar, and stood up. She walked over to it and felt suddenly sad that confessionals weren't being used as much anymore, that now she had to sit face to face with the priest to confess her "sins."

Clare had liked the anonymity of it, of how one could pour their heart out and remain unknown. She touched the doorknob for the stall where the priest would usually sit and listen to people confess their sins and all their guilt. She turned the knob and felt thrilled when she realized that it was unlocked. She didn't look around, she simply stepped in and closed the door behind her.

It was dark and she was surprised at the tiny space. She had always wondered what it looked like from the inside, and she sat on the small, battered bench. Clare smiled mischievously, wondering if anyone had seen her go in or if someone would use the confessional by mistake. As her eyes adjusted to the dark she noticed a small button and pushed it, turning on a light bulb that emitted a faint light.

Clare closed her eyes and felt secure hiding in the confessional. It was as if she was suddenly able to forget some of her problems, but her mind kept going back to her parents, to Eli.

She heard a noise outside of the confessional and she opened her eyes quickly, waiting. Nothing happened so she relaxed again, holding on to the missalette.

"If I confess my sins to you, will I be forgiven?"

Clare jumped at the sound of the familiar voice coming through the grid, and felt how her stomach lurched instantly.

"_Eli_?"

"I saw you getting in," said Eli quietly. "Thought it would be fun."

"What are you doing here?" Clare asked.

"I went to your house and found Alli there… my arm still hurts."

"Your arm?"

"Alli punched it repeatedly."

"Oh." Clare couldn't help but smile.

"She told me that you were here… took me a couple minutes to have the guts to walk in. I thought I would melt or something."

"Everybody is welcome here."

"Yeah… I wasn't worried about Jesus' reaction. I was worried about yours."

Clare looked at the grid but she couldn't see Eli's face at all.

"It was weird to wake up this morning and see that you weren't there."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Why did you leave?"

"I got scared."

Clare remained silent as she clutched the missalette in her hands, trying to think about something to say.

"Clare?"

"Yes?"

"Remember that day when I asked you if you were scared of me?"

"Yes. And I asked if you were a vampire or a murderer."

"I want to be completely honest with you, okay?"

"Okay. I'm listening."

She heard Eli sigh deeply and a million thoughts ran through her head. What was he going to say?

"More than a year ago, I was dating Julia. She was an amazing girl, we had a great relationship. However, we hit a rough patch after something happened between us."

"What happened?"

"Just… something. Maybe I'll tell you about it later on."

"Okay."

"So, we really thought that we had left that behind us, but I guess we didn't. We fought all the time, and then one night, I lost it. I was horrible to her, I yelled, said things I shouldn't have… She left my house and took her bike. I was furious and locked myself in my room, avoiding everyone. Three hours later I got a phone call, and it was Julia's best friend. Julia got hit by a car five blocks away from my house. She died instantly."

"Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"I told her to never come back. Those were my last words to her."

Clare placed her hand on the grid, her heart pumping inside her chest. No wonder Eli seemed so concerned and worried whenever he was with her.

"I killed her, Clare."

"No, Eli… you didn't."

"I feel like I did. I have nightmares every night, you know?"

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Is that why you left? Are you afraid that the same thing is going to happen to us?"

"I'm still Elijah Goldsworthy, so yeah."

"But I'm Clare. I'm not Julia."

"I know. I know."

"Eli, I really like you, and I really care about you. I do want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Don't keep things like these inside of you."

Eli didn't respond and Clare removed her hand, gulping. She stared at the light bulb flickering above her and didn't know what to think. Eli had finally told her why he was so afraid of being with her, but she knew that there was more to it.

"Eli?" she asked, but there was no response.

Her door opened and Eli was standing there, his eyes very red, biting his lower lip. He walked in and closed the door, and sat next to her on the bench. There was no space left in the cramped stall and Eli grabbed Clare's legs and placed them on his lap so she could be more comfortable.

"Do you still want to give this a try?" he asked, placing his hand gently on Clare's knee. She looked right at him, their faces entirely too close. Eli leaned in and their noses brushed, and she placed the missalette on the floor so she could put her arms around Eli's neck.

"Yes."

"I just need… to take this slow. I hope you understand."

"I do, Eli. I really do."

Eli gulped and kissed her gently, and Clare giggled against his lips.

"What?" asked Eli.

"We're in a confessional. In a church... kissing. This is not me, at all."

Eli laughed dryly and gave Clare a small peck on the neck. "But we're hiding, nobody will see us."

"God can see us," pointed Clare.

"_God_ has other things to do right now, you know," smirked Eli. "Global warming, natural disasters, stuff like that."

Eli pressed his lips against hers and Clare kissed him back, pulling him closer. Clare parted her lips tentatively and Eli quickly deepened the kiss, and Clare felt the burning sensation inside her chest again. The kiss started getting exceedingly passionate, their lips attacking each other, and Clare hit her head with one of the panels.

"Sorry," mumbled Eli, still kissing her.

Clare made a noncommittal sound, too focused on Eli's lips to bother with anything else.

The confessional door opened brusquely, and one of the altar boys was standing in front of them. Clare was suddenly aware of her messy hair, of Eli's disheveled shirt, and the altar boy's eyes were wide in shock.

"What in the world…?"

Clare grabbed Eli's hand and they both scrambled out of the confessional, running for their lives.

"Oh God, I actually know that altar boy," gasped Clare as they ran out of the church.

"We might have scarred him forever," mocked Eli. "What have we done?"

"You're a bad influence," chuckled Clare, trying to fix her hair as they walked hand in hand to Eli's hearse. They stood next to it and Eli wrapped his arms around her, kissing her very gently. Clare smiled at him as Eli let go of her, and she grabbed his hand between hers. She looked at his fingernails, amused at the Sharpie all over them, and then noticed a small cut on one of his fingertips. "What happened?" asked Clare.

"I was kind of cleaning my room," muttered Eli. "An accident." Clare took Eli's hand close to her lips and kissed the cut softly, wanting him to feel better.

"Sorry for ruining your 'church' time," said Eli, looking slightly guilty.

"Don't be," said Clare sincerely. "I'm glad you did."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: I wish I had the perfect words to thank you all for your reviews and comments. You have no idea how much it means to me. **

_**Clare**_

"You look sleepy. Did Eli keep you up all night?" grinned Alli mockingly.

"I wish," admitted Clare. "Both of my parents came home last night, just a couple of hours after you left. First thing they did? Started fighting with each other."

"Oh," said Alli uncomfortably. "Now I feel stupid for making that comment."

Clare shut her locker and sighed, rubbing her temple with her free hand. Her dad had only said hi to her briefly before going on a tirade against Clare's mom, about how she had left town without notifying him, leaving Clare all alone.

Clare tried to tell him that it was okay, that Alli had kept her company, but her dad wouldn't listen. When her mother arrived just a few minutes later, hell broke loose. The shouting had been too much for Clare to handle and she ran to her room, locked herself in her bathroom and just sat next to the the toilet, sobbing her heart out.

It wasn't possible to be so happy yet so miserable at the same time. Every moment she spent with Eli during the weekend had been perfect, even when he came over to her house and had to deal with Alli's accusatory glares. Clare had enjoying spending time with Alli as well, because somehow their relationship was reinforced during the weekend.

But her parents were still the same, still miserable with each other, still fighting. "Maybe they do need to get divorced," said Clare miserably.

"Oh, Clare, maybe it's just a rough patch," said Alli positively. "My parents went through one a couple of years ago and yet, they made it work."

"I don't know," said Clare, unsure of what would happen with her parents.

"Hey."

Clare turned around and smiled immediately at the sight of Eli.

"Hey."

Alli looked at both of them and rolled her eyes mockingly. "Okay, I'll leave you two alone to exchange monosyllables," chuckled Alli, and suddenly punched Eli in the arm.

"What did I do now?" winced Eli, rubbing the spot where Alli hit him.

"Just a reminder… that I'm watching you," said Alli menacingly and walked away.

"My arm is ten percent skin, ninety percent bruises now," joked Eli, and touched Clare's cheek gently with his hand. "You look tired."

"My parents got home last night," sighed Clare. "Minutes apart from each other. It wasn't pretty."

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Eli in concern.

"Not right now," said Clare, smiling at him. "Maybe after school?"

She saw a flicker of hesitation in Eli's eyes but it disappeared at once. "I will have to check my busy schedule, you know," he mocked, and intertwined his hands with hers, moving closer.

"If you have a couple minutes to spare for Clare Edwards, that would be nice," said Clare breathlessly as Eli's lips got closer to hers.

"I'll see what I can do," teased Eli, and kissed her.

Clare didn't care that they were in the middle of the hallway, which was strange for her, she had always frowned upon public displays of affection. But Eli made her forget about her inhibitions for some reason, and she kissed him back fervently.

"We have to go to class," said Eli rather reluctantly.

"Oh, yeah, Miss Dawes will give us our papers back today," said Clare in mock enthusiasm.

Eli gave her a quick kiss and they walked to class, holding hands. Clare could feel people staring at them, but for the first time in a while, she didn't care at all.

_**Eli**_

"Hey, emo boy!"

Eli ignored Fitz's yells and walked on, trying to find Adam. He needed to give his friend a token of his gratitude for helping him out with Clare.

"Didn't you hear me talking to you?" snarled Fitz, grabbing Eli by his sleeve in a violent way.

"Oh, you were talking? Couldn't hear with the all that caveman grunting of yours," retorted Eli, and Fitz pushed him into a wall.

"You're dating Saint Clare now, eh?" growled Fitz angrily, his eyes filled with deep hatred. "I've got news for you, skinny pants. Have you noticed her purity ring? She doesn't put out."

"Ah, well, that's a deal-breaker," said Eli sardonically. "Thank you so much for letting me know."

Eli's eyes met with Fitz's again and he saw a trace of… jealousy? _No way,_ he thought.

"Can I leave now? Or are you just enjoying this tender moment between us?" mocked Eli and Fitz let go of him.

"You're a pain in the ass," snapped Fitz. "Someday I will shut your mouth for good."

"I'm so scared," snorted Eli.

Fitz glared at him one last time and walked away hurriedly and Eli shook his head. Did Fitz like Clare? That was hilarious to Eli, and he smirked all the way to his locker. He saw Adam standing there, and tried to forget about the small incident with Fitz.

"I didn't see you at the lockers this morning, so…"

Eli handed Adam a Dead Hand t-shirt, and Adam gasped excitedly. "Dude, I've been wanting this one for ages!"

"I know," said Eli smugly. "Dad interviewed them ages ago and they had some leftover shirts at the station."

Adam hugged and sniffed the t-shirt, making Eli chuckle. "Wait," said Adam. "Do you need a favor or something?"

"No!" grinned Eli. "I just wanted to thank you for giving me a heads-up about Clare being all alone during the weekend."

"Oh, man, you need to tell me what happened!" squealed Adam, and Eli raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry, I overreacted," said Adam, clearing his throat. "What happened?"

"Well, to make things short, we are kind of dating," shrugged Eli. "Nothing serious or official yet."

"Why not?" asked Adam.

"We're just taking things slow," explained Eli. "I told her about Julia. So… yeah. We're hanging out after class today, she seems sad about something."

"Don't you go to therapy on Mondays?" pointed out Adam.

"Yeah, but she doesn't know that," said Eli, giving Adam a meaningful look. "I've never missed a session, it's not the end of the world. And it's not like they help me. I'd rather spend time with Clare."

"Hmm." Adam seemed upset but Eli chose to ignore that.

"I hope you liked the t-shirt," said Eli tentatively.

"I did, thanks," said Adam dryly. "Um, I have to go to class. See you later?"

Adam walked away huffily and Eli wondered if he had done something wrong.

_**Later**_

"That is a lie."

"No, it's not, Eli, and you know it."

"I know people keep comparing Palahniuk and Vonnegut, but they are quite different."

"I find them extremely similar."

"You're wrong."

They were laying under their favorite tree, with Eli's arms wrapped closely around Clare, his lips very close to her ear.

"You're very stubborn, Eli," chuckled Clare.

"That, I am," he said, and kissed Clare's earlobe. "Do you want to talk about your parents?"

"What is there to say? They hate each other."

"No, they don't," assured Eli. "They're just not getting along, that's all."

Clare didn't say anything, so Eli just embraced her tighter. He liked to have her body very close to his, it was as if her warmth was keeping him sane. Eli wanted to help Clare forget about her problems, which was quite funny seeing how he needed to figure out his own problems first.

He pressed his lips against Clare's cheek and heard her sigh loudly. "When Darcy left, I thought that we were going to be okay. But I was wrong."

"Have you heard from her?" asked Eli as Clare brushed her fingers against Eli's hands.

"No. Not yet. I don't think she cares about us anymore."

"Clare…"

"She e-mailed my mom last week to inform her that she is dating some guy. That's all. She hasn't replied to _my_ e-mails."

"Maybe she's busy."

"Eli, please."

"Or maybe she's just in denial. It happens."

Clare turned her head to face him, her blue eyes shining with repressed anger. "Her denial is not helping me at all."

"I know, Clare. I know it's not much help, but I'm here."

Clare smiled, a hint of sadness on her lips, but she smiled nonetheless. "Kiss me, Eli."

Eli obeyed and their lips met, a slow and passionate kiss, and Eli sucked gently on Clare's lower lip. She moaned softly and he realized that they were in public, and continued to kiss her slowly.

"Your phone is vibrating," said Clare as Eli moved to her neck.

"Probably my parents," mumbled Eli against Clare's neck. "They must be pissed off at me."

"Why?"

"I skipped my therapy session."

As soon as those words escaped Eli's lips he knew that he had made a mistake. Clare pushed him away gently and stared at him. "Therapy?"

"I have to go to therapy every Monday for the rest of my life," said Eli bitterly. "First time in a year that I skip it. No big deal."

"Eli, I don't want you skipping it because of me!" said Clare in alarm. "You need to go!"

"Too late, I missed the appointment," said Eli, searching for Clare's lips.

"No, I'm upset with you now," said Clare, and pulled away from him. She sat up and looked through her backpack, and Eli sighed.

"It's no big deal," repeated Eli. "Dr. Porter and I never talk about anything, he's such a snob."

Clare put her backpack aside and crossed her arms, not looking at him.

"Are you really mad at me? Sorry for not telling you."

"I'm not mad," said Clare, still not looking at him.

"You look mad," insisted Eli, sitting next to her. "Don't be. I won't skip it again, I promise."

Clare finally looked at him and struggled not to smile. "Okay, as long as you keep your promise."

"You can call Alli so she can beat me up if I don't," smirked Eli, and Clare kissed him without warning.

_**Clare**_

Clare sighed happily as she closed the front door behind her, still thinking of Eli. She walked towards the staircase and noticed her parents sitting in silence at the dining table.

"Where were you?" asked Mrs. Edwards sternly. "You didn't come straight after school."

"Library," lied Clare. "Um… what's going on?"

"Sit down," said Mr. Edwards, looking tired and worn. Clare sat the dining table and glanced at her parents back and forth, waiting for the worst.

"We have some news for you," said Clare's mom.

Clare gulped and braced herself for the impact.

"Darcy is visiting in three weeks," said Mr. Edwards. "With her, um, fiancé."

"Oh."

"Yeah, this is quite unexpected," said Clare's dad, looking a bit disappointed. "But we want Darcy to be happy, just like we want you to-"

"Your dad is moving out," blurted Mrs. Edwards.

"You just couldn't wait, Helen-"

"What?" Clare's biggest fears became an inevitable reality, she finally had solid proof that her parents were separating at last.

"It's for the best," said Mr. Edwards with a tone of finality. "We tried to make it work, but all this fighting is ruining our family."

Clare stood up quickly and glared at both of them. "You just didn't try hard enough," she spat. "All couples go through times like these, you can make it!"

"I'm sorry, honey," sighed Mrs. Edwards.

"I hate you both," said Clare darkly, and felt nauseous at once. She walked away and considered where to go for a moment. She thought of going to church, but she wasn't so sure about her beliefs anymore.

She had prayed to God that her parents would find a way to stay together, and He didn't listen. Well, Clare was tired of that. She walked out of her house, just holding her keys and her phone. She dialed Alli's number and her best friend answered fast, sounded a bit out of breath.

"Clare, I'm with Drew right now-"

"They're splitting up."

"What? Drew, get off of me!"

Clare heard a thud on the other line and Drew muttering something.

"Clare, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"We'll come pick you up."

Alli hung up and Clare held on to her phone, with tears stinging her eyes. She thought of calling Eli, but she knew that he would be in trouble with his parents for skipping his session, and she didn't want to interrupt or make things worse.

She sat on the curb, wiping her tears away with her sleeve, waiting. Clare looked up to the sky, the clouds blocking the sun, and focused on the odd, cloudy shapes. The clouds seemed surreal, almost dreamlike.

_Maybe this is all a dream,_ Clare thought.

Maybe it was only a nightmare.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Degrassi. I also don't own _Slow Hands_ by Interpol. Have you ever a make-out session to that song? No? DO IT. Oh…. And I don't own _The Weight_ by The Band. Man, I don't own anything. :(**

**Author's note: Answers to some questions I've been getting:**

**_How long is this story going to be?_ This is not intended to be a long story, none of my stories ever end up being too long. Don't expect fifty chapters, haha. However, there are several conflicts that need to be resolved before I end it, so hang in there with me. **

**_Will there be smut at some point?_ Well… it IS one of my stories. Cough cough hint hint.**

**_Why did Eli and Julia fight?_ Because Eli stole her skinny jeans. Ha, just kidding. It will be a sort-of-expected reason but I'm writing it in a different way, I hope. So… yeah.**

**_Did you forget about Eli's hoarding?_ I did not. It will actually be addressed in this chapter. **

**_Will Clare ever meet Adam in this story?_ Yes. Of course!**

**If you have more questions, suggestions, or you simply want to discuss how Eli has made real-life boys irrelevant, follow me on Twitter and Tumblr at floorplanhobo. **

**A/N 2: Sorry about the crappy editing, but surprise, surprise, I'm getting a headache. This chapter is set three weeks after last. Hello, Darcy. **

**_Three weeks later_**

**_Clare_**

She didn't want him to stop.

Eli's lips were sucking gently on her neck and it simply felt too good to just stop. Clare knew that they would be late to class if they kept going at it, but a late slip every now and then wouldn't hurt them. Eli had been driving her to school ever since her father moved out, because her mother had picked up earlier shifts at work. Eli stubbornly refused to let Clare take the bus.

However, Eli always picked her up extra early and he would park the hearse somewhere secluded just to enjoy a few minutes of "alone time" before heading to class. Clare was quite content with the arrangement, especially since Eli had just bought a brand-new radio for Morty and they would listen to music (mostly Eli's taste) and just enjoy each other's company. Interpol was blaring through the speakers, and the singer's haunting voice just added to the intensity of the situation.

_Can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul?  
This is a wasteland now_

She opened her mouth to say something but Eli interrupted her with his lips, with his tongue ardently invading her mouth. Clare had never been that "passionate" with KC, she had always been terrified of intimacy, and she kept thinking of the purity ring in her finger.

Clare loved the texture of Eli's tongue in her mouth, it was the most thrilling sensation. He was an excellent kisser, not that she had a lot of experience to judge that, but all that she knew was that he was purely perfect. "Eli… we… have… to… go… to… class…" Clare breathed as Eli moved back to her neck.

_We rejoice because the hurting is so painless  
From the distance of passing cars  
But I am married to your charms & grace_

"School is overrated," said Eli against her neck and then Clare felt his tongue on her skin, making her forget momentarily about school.

"Perhaps, but… please…" moaned Clare, arching her back slightly.

"Fine," chuckled Eli, and kissed her on the lips. "I just wanted some alone time before this crazy day began."

"Thanks again for agreeing to go to the dinner tonight," smiled Clare, kissing the tip of Eli's nose. "I know that you're not thrilled."

"Well, I haven't met your parents yet and I'm meeting your sister as well," said Eli, and Clare detected nervousness in his voice. "I just want to make a good impression."

"It's going to be weird," said Clare pensively. "My parents haven't talked to each other since my dad moved out." She recalled the night her parents had announced their separation, how broken she had been and how Alli had been there for her like she never had before. When Eli found out he had rushed to Clare's side, his words comforting her immediately.

"I'll be there," said Eli. "If things start getting weird, I'll just start invoking Satan and all eyes will be on me."

Clare giggled and kissed him softly on the lips. "You're quite a catch, Eli Goldsworthy."

"Well, you're a pretty decent girlfriend, Clare Edwards," smirked Eli, and he leaned in to kiss her.

_Girlfriend._

"Girlfriend?" blurted Clare.

"Oh… well, I do not have intense make-out sessions in my hearse with random strangers, you know," winked Eli.

"So, we're official now?" asked Clare happily.

"I think we've been _official_ from the moment you read Frank McCourt in front of the class," said Eli, his eyes filled with emotion.

Clare wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him hungrily and pressing her body against his. "Maybe we can skip English," gasped Clare.

"Yes, we can," nodded Eli eagerly, and kissed her again.

**_Later_**

Clare was writing on her notebook while waiting for her Biology teacher to walk in, not paying attention to her surroundings. The spots where Eli had kissed her on the neck were burning, and she blushed as she remembered the moments they shared earlier.

She couldn't get enough of him, it seemed. It was still early in the relationship, but for the first time in her life, she hated her purity ring. Now she understood why so many girls her age were already having sex.

She wondered what Eli looked like naked…

_Stop it, Clare,_ she thought angrily, and focused on her notes instead. She felt someone sitting next to her at the lab table, but she wasn't paying attention. She was now thinking of the dinner ahead, with Darcy, Darcy's fiancé and their parents. She felt grateful about having Eli by her side, knowing that they could leave at any moment if she asked him to.

"_Clare Edwards_. Always so focused in school."

Clare turned around and recognized Mark Fitzgerald at once. "Hi, Fitz," smiled Clare.

"Oh, you know my name?" asked Fitz, seemingly shocked.

"Well… yes," giggled Clare. "We attend the same school, take some of the same classes."

"I see," said Fitz somberly. "We never get to talk that much."

"No, we don't," said Clare. "What's up?"

"Nothing much. Listen, I've been struggling quite a bit in this class," said Fitz in a bored tone. "I was wondering if you could help me, seeing how you're all smart and whatnot."

"Sure! I can be your tutor," said Clare kindly. "When do you want to meet? After this class?"

"Maybe this afternoon?" asked Fitz. "At the library, perhaps?"

"Oh, I have plans tonight," said Clare apologetically. "Family dinner."

Fitz looked extremely disappointed, and he licked his lower lip, deep in thought. "Tomorrow then? The first test is coming up and I need to pass it."

"Tomorrow sounds fine," said Clare placidly.

"Your boyfriend won't mind?"

Clare was taken aback, but recovered at once. "I don't think so."

"Great," said Fitz, grabbing one of Clare's pencils and twirling it in his fingers. "I've heard the rumors about him and the last thing I want is him getting angry at me, I would be terrified."

Rumors? Clare wanted to ask Fitz what kind of rumors were going on about Eli, but decided not to. _People here love to gossip about the new kids,_ thought Clare.

"Eli is a nice guy," said Clare crossly. "You shouldn't pay attention to rumors."

"Maybe," said Fitz, his eyes fixated on Clare. "Just be careful."

Fitz walked away from her table and Clare watched him as he joined his friends, chuckling and talking rapidly. Fitz's words of warning made her feel uneasy, and she wondered if he knew something she didn't.

**_Eli_**

"I don't remember the last time I wore a suit," cringed Eli, looking at his reflection on the mirror. He was wearing a normal black suit with a white button-down shirt and a skinny black tie. Cece had insisted on him wearing his hair in a different way, but he refused.

"Your hair is such a mess," said Cece as she fussed over him.

"Wearing a suit is bad enough, Cece," yelled Bullfrog from the living room. Eli glanced around his parents' bedroom, a room he always avoided but was vital because it was the only room that had a full-length mirror. Bullfrog would often make awkward jokes about the many uses of that mirror, and Eli tried to block them out.

"You didn't have to buy me a new suit," mumbled Eli. "I had one already."

"But it's the one you wore to-" Cece started. "Never mind."

"Julia's funeral, mom," said Eli. "You can address it directly in front of me, I will be okay."

"I didn't want you wearing a sad suit while hanging out with Clare," said Cece, rearranging Eli's tie. "And you're meeting her family and all. When are _we_ meeting her?"

"Soon," promised Eli.

"Cece just wants to make sure you're not making Clare up," yelled Bullfrog once again.

"Yeah, mom, she's just a figment of my imagination," mocked Eli, and Cece laughed.

"You look happier now," said Cece fondly. "I like that."

"I'm getting there, mom," said Eli. "Still need to work on… my room… locker… you know."

"I thought therapy would help you with that," said Cece.

"Maybe it will, eventually," shrugged Eli.

"Have you told Clare about that?" asked Cece curiously.

"No," admitted Eli. "Not yet."

"Don't keep too many secrets from her, Eli," warned Cece. Eli knew that she was referring not only to the hoarding, but the fight with Julia. Eli wanted to avoid telling Clare the reason why his relationship with Julia had fallen apart; he felt that she would never forgive him.

Because even though he had been fighting it and had been in denial, he had fallen in love with Clare. There was no doubt about it, his feelings for Clare had exceeded the infatuation stage and love was the only word that could define them. Eli was scared and terrified about the way he had fallen for the girl with the lovely blue eyes. He was hers, and Clare had no idea yet.

"Just don't say anything inappropriate," said Cece. "You get that from your father."

"I heard that!"

Eli chuckled and Cece tried to fix his hair. "Mom, let it go," said Eli, ducking. "It looks fine."

"Good luck meeting Clare's family," said Cece, giving him a hug.

"You guys are making this a bigger deal than it actually is," muttered Eli nervously.

"Well… it's Clare, after all," said Cece, her eyes looking at him knowingly. Eli wondered how much his mother really knew about his feelings for Clare.

His _love _for Clare.

**_Later_**

Eli _hated_ driving Cece's car, but as his mother pointed out, maybe driving Morty to Clare's house wouldn't be such a great idea for a first impression. He didn't usually care about someone else's opinion, but this time it was different… He really wanted Clare's family to like him.

He walked to the front door, feeling terribly uncomfortable with the suit and he wondered if Clare had told her parents about them being official now. Every time Eli asked Clare if her parents knew about him she would shrug and changed the subject.

_But she invited me over tonight, so… they must know something is going on between us,_ thought Eli.

He knocked just once before Clare opened the door swiftly, a grateful look on her face. "You're here," she said, and hugged him at once.

"Whoa, are you okay?" asked Eli, hugging her back. "What's wrong?"

"It's so awkward." said Clare quietly. "Darcy's fiancé is a nice guy, but my parents are hating each other right now and there's this tension… ugh."

"Oh wow… I'm sorry," said Eli as Clare let go of him and he was finally able to look at her. Clare looked amazing; she was wearing a dark blue dress that enhanced her perfect eyes. He gulped as his eyes fixed on the cross around her neck and a little lower, glancing for a brief second at her modest cleavage.

"It's okay," shrugged Clare. "Now that you're here, maybe…. Oh, I don't know anymore. Oh, come in, come in."

Eli walked in awkwardly, dreading the night ahead.

"Well, Randall, if you think that you have a better opinion about the state of the church right now, just say it!"

"_Jesus Christ_, Helen, calm down!"

"Mom, I was just making a comment, okay?"

Clare's eyes met with Eli's as they both listened to the angry conversation coming from the living room and Eli quickly grabbed Clare's hand, holding it tightly. His fingers slid instantly between hers and he kissed her forehead, feeling how Clare was shaking slightly.

"Don't cry," he breathed. "Everything will be okay. I'm here."

Clare let go of his hand and beckoned him to follow, and both walked into the living room, Eli's heart racing with nerves.

"Hey guys, " she said, and everyone turned to look at them. "This is Eli… my English partner."

_English partner?_ Eli glanced at Clare, who shot him a meaningful look. He felt slightly upset at the fact that Clare hadn't been clear to her family about the nature of their relationship, but decided to discuss that later.

"My mom and my dad," said Clare as she pointed at her parents uneasily.

Clare's parents merely nodded at Eli, and he felt suddenly sorry for Clare. All the tension was affecting Clare badly, and he wanted to take her with him and never look back.

"Nice to meet you," said Eli politely.

"You invited your English partner to a family dinner, huh?" asked Darcy knowingly. "Hi, Eli, I'm Darcy. Clare's sister. This is Greg, my fiancé."

A young man sitting next to Darcy grinned at Eli, waving his hand friendly. "I'm the lucky man," he said with a heavy British accent.

"Maybe we can go to the dining room now?" said Mrs. Edwards briskly. "We were just waiting for you, Eli."

_Were you really?_ thought Eli bitterly.

"Eli got here on time, mom," said Clare patiently.

"Let's just eat, okay?" sighed Mr. Edwards, looking extremely tired.

Clare looked at Eli as everybody stood up, her eyes filled with sadness. "Thanks for being here," she whispered.

Clare seemed miserable, and this made Eli's heart ache. He didn't want her to suffer, he wanted her to be happy and enjoy every single minute of her life. Sitting through an insufferable dinner to make her feel better was the least he could do.

"No problem."

**_Clare_**

The clink of forks and knives was the only thing one could hear in the room, nobody spoke. Darcy and Clare would exchange glances every now and then, and Clare felt grateful that Eli was sitting next to her.

Most of the dinner had gone by in silence, and Clare just wanted to leave. She wanted to be somewhere else with Eli; she couldn't be around her family anymore.

"So, dad, how do you like your new apartment?" asked Darcy out of nowhere.

"It's small, but decent," said Mr. Edwards.

"Yeah, you must love it," said Clare's mom snappily.

"Greg and I are moving to London after we're done volunteering," said Darcy, ignoring her mother's comment.

"Oh, that's how you met?" asked Eli. "Volunteering?"

"Yes," said Greg, looking lovingly at Darcy. "It was love at first sight." Darcy and Greg shared a quick kiss, and Clare felt suddenly bitter. Darcy looked so happy, she didn't have to deal with what Clare had to deal with.

"Sorry that everything was so sudden," said Darcy, giggling as Greg kissed her on the cheek.

"It's funny because mom got an e-mail from you telling her that you had a boyfriend," mused Clare. " And then next week, bam, you're engaged!"

"Well, we don't get a lot of Internet service over there," explained Darcy. "I had been dating Greg for a while before telling mom and he proposed like a day after that, and-"

"So, you had time to e-mail mom and not me?" blurted Clare angrily.

"Clare…" Darcy started, and Clare felt Eli's fingers slid between hers under the table. That was enough for Clare, she felt suddenly strong and supported, and opened her mouth to speak.

"Listen, I e-mailed you a thousand times, telling you about everything that was going on in here," snapped Clare. "And you ignored every single one of them."

"I didn't know what to say," said Darcy.

"Of course not. You were over there, living your perfect little life and you just abandoned me!"

Silence engulfed the room and Greg seemed uncomfortable as he stared at the ceiling. Clare's parents stared at their plates, pretending not to hear anything, and this pushed Clare over the edge.

"All of you did!" yelled Clare, slamming her hands on the table. "Mom, dad, Darcy. You all treated me like I was invisible, like I wasn't aware of anything!"

"Clare, please calm down, we have guests," said Mrs. Edwards sternly.

"I don't care," said Clare furiously.

"Clare, the reason why I didn't answer those e-mails… I mean… I couldn't believe what you were saying," said Darcy. "I refused to believe that our family was falling apart and-"

"Distance makes everything easier, Darcy," cried Clare. "Doesn't it? You're so far away that you can pretend not to hear my cries for help because, well, you don't see me every day. You weren't here, listening to their fighting, and then having to endure the cold silence! You rarely called, and I thought that you were not only my sister but a friend. How wrong I was! I got sick, Darcy. All this wretchedness affected my body, everything! And I was here, all alone, abandoned by own sister!"

"I never abandoned you, Clare!"

"Yes, you did. I was there for you when you needed me the most… and you couldn't even offer me one word of support," sighed Clare sadly, shaking uncontrollably as Eli held on to her hand.

"Girls, please," groaned Mr. Edwards.

"I'm done," said Clare, standing up and looking at Eli. "Can we leave now?"

Eli looked mildly amused but stood up immediately. "Sure."

"Where do you think you're going?" retorted Mrs. Edwards. "Sit down!"

"I'm spending the night with my boyfriend," deadpanned Clare.

Mr. Edwards raised his eyebrows. "Boyfriend?"

"You're spending the night?" choked Eli.

"This has been quite a delightful evening," grinned Greg, seemingly entertained.

Clare grabbed Eli's hand and dragged him along with her, stopping by the living room to grab a bag. "Um, did you have this planned?" asked Eli, staring at the bag. "You're full of surprises, Clare Edwards."

"Let's go," said Clare, and they left the house.

**_Eli _**

He drove in silence, and he would glance at Clare every now and then to make sure that she was doing okay. She had cried a little but recovered eventually. Eli parked Cece's car near the park and shut down the engine as he listened to Clare's shallow breathing.

"Let's walk," he said simply, and both got out of the car. The park was deserted except for a couple joggers, and Eli stared at the starry sky as they walked. Eli spotted a bench under a lamppost and they both sat, not talking for a couple minutes.

"I know that it was an unpleasant night but… at least you got that out of your system," said Eli finally. "That's a good thing."

"Darcy's face… I made her feel bad," muttered Clare. "I feel so guilty."

"It's okay," said Eli, grabbing her hand. "You will be able to talk things out. And don't you dare feel guilty. That's my job."

Clare chuckled, and Eli wiped the tears off her face with his sleeve. "Oh, Eli, you're wearing a suit," mumbled Clare.

"It only took you _forever_ to notice," smirked Eli.

"You look very handsome," smiled Clare. She moved closer to him and tugged on his tie, gulping. Eli wanted to know what was going through Clare's mind, and he put an arm around her. Clare looked up to him and Eli kissed her, trying to be slow and gentle.

"Do you want me to drive you to your house?" asked Eli.

"No. I meant it when I said that I was spending the night with you," said Clare obstinately.

"Oh." He thought of his room and panicked slightly.

"Don't get too excited… I'm not having sex with you," said Clare quickly. "I just want to stay out of there, and I don't want to bother Alli again."

"What? You're not having sex with me?" mocked Eli. "Bummer. I think I have a couch to spare, though."

"Couch sounds good," smiled Clare and they kissed again, this time with more intensity. He loved to explore the insides of Clare's mouth, he knew that a certain pace made her hold him closer, and he enjoyed how Clare would seem suddenly very possessive.

"I just want you to feel better," gasped Eli as Clare pressed her lips against his beck.

"I already do," said Clare sincerely. "It's like every time you're with me… I feel lighter."

Eli leaned in and kissed the spot behind Clare's ear as he remembered the lyrics of an old song Bullfrog used to sing out loud whenever Cece seemed upset.

"_Take a load off Fanny, take a load for free_," muttered Eli into Clare's ear. "_And you can put the load right on me_."

"That is a _really_ old song," giggled Clare as Eli nibbled playfully on her earlobe. Eli brushed the tip of his nose against Clare's cheek , tracing a line until his nose brushed hers.

"I'm just trying to tell you that I'm here for you," breathed Eli, his lips dangerously close to Clare's.

"Me too," said Clare as their lips brushed.

"No matter what?" Eli thought of his hoarding, of Julia, of that terrible night, and he wondered if Clare would stay after knowing about everything.

"No matter what."


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Thanks so much for your reviews! Munro-shaped cookies for everyone! :D**

**_Clare_**

She slipped on her t-shirt and pajama bottoms and looked briefly at her reflection in the mirror. Although she would be in the guestroom, Clare felt nervous about spending the night at Eli's house. She stepped out of the bathroom and placed her dress and cardigan on the bed, and glanced around the room. It was a pretty neutral-looking room compared to the rest of the house, and she wondered if Julia had ever spent the night in there.

"Clare? Mom wants to know if you want some hot chocolate," said Eli from the other side of the door.

Clare walked over to the door and opened it, and saw that Eli hadn't changed his clothes yet. He had gotten rid of the jacket, but his shirt wasn't tucked in, his tie was loose around his neck, and he was still wearing the suit pants. Clare couldn't help but think that he looked… well… _very _attractive.

"I would love that," said Clare. "Your parents are just so nice."

As soon as Clare and Eli had walked into the house, Cece and Bullfrog had been nothing but attentive and sweet, if just a little loud. Cece had hugged Clare several times and Bullfrog had made some jokes about how Eli wore a suit just for her, which caused Eli to blush.

"They're all right," mocked Eli. "Come on."

They held hands, and as they were walking down the hallway Clare got a glimpse of one of the rooms. "Oh, what's in there?" asked Clare.

"That's Bullfrog's office," said Eli. "Do you want to check it out?"

Clare nodded and she gasped when they walked into the room, letting go of Eli's hand. The wall was covered in music posters and instead of books there were hundreds of records on the bookshelves. There was a desk in the middle of the room, but no chairs in sight.

"He just uses the desk to pile up records," explained Eli. "He usually lies on the floor to listen to them… something about chairs being terrible objects and stuff."

"This room is amazing," said Clare, looking around in awe.

"I helped him organize it," shrugged Eli. "Which is rather odd-" Eli stopped and Clare looked at him curiously. Eli seemed nervous all of a sudden and cleared his throat several times, making Clare wonder if he was okay.

She leaned her back against the desk and grasped the edge with her hands, sighing contentedly. "Thanks for bringing me here," said Clare, and Eli walked over to her. He pressed his chest against hers, placing one of his hands delicately on her hip, and Clare grasped the edge of the desk tightly with her hands.

"It's always nice to have guests in this house," said Eli in a low tone, and Clare felt her heart rate speeding up. He brushed her lips with one of his fingers, his face filled with concentration.

"You're so beautiful," said Eli, now tracing a line from Clare's lips to her neck. He finally wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, and Clare let go of the desk. Her arms were around Eli, pulling him close to her as he eagerly deepened the kiss. Clare felt suddenly adventurous and stopped kissing Eli, her breathing shallow.

"If I sit on the desk… will it fall apart?" she asked mischievously. She had no idea why she had asked that, she just knew that she wanted to kiss Eli while sitting on the desk.

"Oh… no… it won't," gulped Eli, and Clare smiled coquettishly as she sat on the edge of the desk in a very slow way.

"Thankfully, I closed the door behind us," mumbled Eli and attacked Clare's lips zealously. Clare flung her arms around his neck and wrapped her legs around Eli in a daring move. She heard him groan against her lips, and his kiss became more passionate, almost violent.

"Damn you and your teddy-bear pajama bottoms," groaned Eli as Clare started kissing him on the neck. Clare chuckled and then returned to Eli's lips, their kissing becoming more and more intense. She felt how Eli's hands started sliding under the back of her shirt, his cold hands touching her warm skin, and she shivered. He had never done that before, and this thrilled her. KC had tried to do that several times but Clare always ended up pushing him away. But it felt just right with Eli…

His hands kept going up, and Eli found the clasp of Clare's bra. Clare let out a gasp of surprise and Eli stopped kissing her at once. "Sorry," he said nervously.

"Don't be," breathed Clare, kissing him harder than ever. She was scared about what she was feeling, and she knew that if Eli asked her, she would do whatever he wanted her to do. Eli's fingers were trying to unhook her bra, the sound of their kissing becoming louder and louder…

"How dare you corrupt my desk with your fornicating! Sinners!"

Eli pulled away from Clare instantly, almost tripping with one of the many boxes in the room. Clare's face felt extremely hot as she noticed Bullfrog standing in the doorway, smirking at them.

"I'm so, so sorry," mumbled Clare, horrified.

"He was joking," said Eli simply.

"I sure was," chuckled Bullfrog. "But spray some Lysol on the desk before you go downstairs, won't you? We're waiting for you guys."

Clare couldn't speak; she was too embarrassed to say anything. Bullfrog left, and she looked at Eli, who seemed as embarrassed as she felt.

"I should have locked the door," said Eli, attempting a smile.

Clare was suddenly glad that Eli didn't lock the door at all, what if things had gone too far? They looked at each other nervously and Clare tried to fix her hair hurriedly.

She got off the desk and rearranged her t-shirt, and she could feel Eli's eyes on her. Clare looked over at him and detected a familiar emotion in his eyes. Was it fear? Was it possible that Eli was just as afraid of any form of physical intimacy between them?

It wasn't possible. _He is a guy, after all,_ thought Clare.

_**Eli**_

Eli sat on his bed, not able to sleep. He kept thinking that Clare would open the door to his bedroom in any minute, even though he had locked it. She didn't want her to see the mess that he lived in, the mess that represented what his heart felt like.

He kept thinking of their little make-out session in Bullfrog's office, and he was scared. Sure, he and Julia had slept together during their relationship, but there was something about Clare that felt significantly different. Eli didn't want to hurt her, and he tried to remind himself that Clare wore a purity ring, that Clare stuck to her beliefs. Maybe the whole not-having-sex-until-marriage deal wasn't such a bad idea.

Sex ruined his relationship with Julia, in a way.

But he kept having dreams of Clare, of having her naked in his arms, and he couldn't push those thoughts away. He ran his fingers through his hair and tried to concentrate on something else. Eli wondered if Clare felt better about the whole Darcy ordeal and decided to go check on her.

He snuck out of his room silently, although he knew that Bullfrog and Cece wouldn't care if he spent the night with Clare. He just wanted to avoid any awkward conversations the next morning, his parents were pros at embarrassing him.

Eli saw that the guest room door was slightly ajar and he peeked in, and saw that Clare was also sitting on her bed, deep in thought.

"I'm not the only insomniac in the house, huh?" whispered Eli, walking in and closing the door behind him.

"No, just the only stalker," whispered Clare back. "What are you doing?"

"I just wanted to check if you were doing okay," shrugged Eli.

"Come sit with me, then."

Eli sat next to Clare, the bed creaking a little under his weight. He took Clare's hand, the cold purity ring burning his skin for some reason. "Still thinking about Darcy?" asked Eli.

"Darcy, my parents… us," said Clare, resting her head on Eli's shoulder.

"Us? Hey, we're good," said Eli. "You shouldn't worry about us."

"But… what happened in your dad's office…" Clare seemed utterly nervous and Eli clutched her hand tightly.

"It was great."

"You know about my vow, right?"

"I do. You've told me several times, Clare."

"I'm sorry if that annoys you or frustrates you, Eli."

Eli heard the hurt in Clare's voice and he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently.

"I enjoy every single moment we spend together, Clare. Sex is not everything."

"But you're a guy."

"Wow, you finally noticed!"

"Eli, seriously."

"Look. Is it difficult to restrain myself? Yes, it sure is. But I can deal with it… like you said, I'm a guy."

Clare seemed to consider Eli's answer and then groaned in disgust. "Oh, Eli, gross!"

Eli chuckled as Clare's reaction and decided to push it further. "Don't worry, I always wash my hands. _Always_."

"You're terrible," giggled Clare and Eli gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"It's fine. Don't stress about it, honestly."

They were silent for a minute and he could almost hear his erratic heartbeat. "I'm sleepy now," announced Clare.

"Good. I'll leave now then-"

"Stay."

The room was dark, so he could only see Clare's silhouette, with the moonlight shining around her. He had spent the night with her before, but this time seemed just so different.

"Okay."

They both lay down and Eli automatically held her in his arms, and Clare held him back. She rested her head on his chest and her sweet scent filled Eli's senses, making him want to hold her forever.

_**Clare**_

_**The next day**_

"I bet your parents are pissed off," grinned Alli. "But I'm glad you did it. Maybe that's the wake-up call they needed!"

"I do need to talk to Darcy before she leaves," said Clare guiltily. "She is my sister after all, and I don't want to leave anything unresolved… who knows when I'll see her again."

Eli was just leaning on the locker next to Clare, listening to their conversation. Clare noticed that he seemed more tired than usual and wondered if all the drama at her house had affected him somehow.

"Yeah… Maybe you and Darcy can work things out," said Alli. "Restore your relationship somehow."

"Maybe," said Clare as she finished putting her books inside her locker. "I do have to go back home today- Oh! I forgot I promised Fitz that I would help him out with Biology."

"Excuse me?" blurted Eli. "Fitz?"

"Do you know him?" asked Clare, turning to look at Eli. Eli seemed furious, his eyes filled with coldness and anger.

"You're _not _helping him out," snapped Eli. "He's a scumbag."

Clare raised her eyebrows at Eli, starting to get annoyed. "He's always nice to me, Eli."

"You shouldn't trust people so easily, Clare," said Eli coldly.

Clare remembered Fitz's words of warning about Eli, his reference to Eli's "temper." Maybe Eli was afraid that Fitz would tell Clare something he didn't want her to know?

"Clare is free to do whatever she wants, Mr. Possessive," said Alli crossly.

"I'm not being possessive, but that guy is bad news," retorted Eli. "I'm just looking out for Clare."

"I think I'm smart enough to look after myself, Eli," said Clare. Eli seemed disappointed and upset, and he just shook his head at Clare.

"Fine. Where are you meeting?"

"Why, so you can go ahead and stalk them?" frowned Alli.

"Alli, please," said Clare, and Alli huffily crossed her arms, looking away. "If you must know, we'll be at the library."

"I'll pick you up," said Eli.

"I can take the bus."

"Clare, please," said Eli, and he seemed suddenly miserable. "I really don't trust this guy. I trust you. Just not him."

"Okay, I'll text you when we're done," said Clare hastily.

A boy wearing a beanie walked over to them, strutting as he did. "Goldsworthy, I feel abandoned," he said, punching Eli in the arm.

"So my arm is the school's punching bag," mocked Eli, and Clare could tell that he was trying to get rid of the tension in the air.

"As it should be," said Alli, narrowing her eyes. "Adam, you're the best brother-in-law ever."

"I know I am," said Adam haughtigly, and then he looked at Clare. "You must be Clare. Eli talks about you all the time."

"Adam-" started Eli.

"All the _freaking time_," continued Adam. "If I say 'Hey, Eli, that tree is weird-looking,' he will say 'But that flower looks like Clare.' Seriously, Clare, you're ruining my life."

"I… well…" Clare felt confused until Adam started laughing.

"Just kidding," winked Adam. "It's nice to finally meet you, even though Eli hasn't bothered to introduce us. My attractive self is a threat to him, but he needs to learn how to live with that, don't you think?"

Clare and Alli burst out giggling and Adam smiled smugly at them as Eli rolled his eyes, looking exasperated.

"Torres, you talk too much," said Eli, grabbing Adam by the arm and then looking at Clare. "Clare, please text me when you're done with Fitz."

"Fitz? Wait, isn't that the guy that-" started Adam, but Eli dragged him away.

"Adam is hilarious," chuckled Alli.

"Seems like it," admitted Clare. "But Eli worries me."

"Yeah, what was that?" mused Alli. "He looked really upset about you tutoring Fitz."

"I don't know," said Clare pensively. "I have this feeling that- Ugh, never mind."

"What?" said Alli, touching Clare's arm. "Tell me, Clare. You can tell me everything."

Clare hesitated but she needed to tell someone and for the first time, that someone couldn't be Eli. "I think that Eli is still hiding stuff from me. That he's not being completely honest."

Alli said nothing and Clare sighed, wondering if Eli would ever let her in completely.

_**Later**_

"As long as you study this table we worked on, you should be fine," said Clare as Fitz scribbled on his notebook.

"Thanks, Clare, you're a life saver," said Fitz gratefully. "I will be surprised if I don't ace this test."

"And then you will owe it all to me," smiled Clare, reaching for her Biology book to put it away. She felt how Fitz's eyes were scanning her face, and she frowned.

"Yes?"

"Nothing… just checking," said Fitz nonchalantly, looking away.

"Checking for what?" teased Clare. "Monkeys on my face?"

Fitz looked serious and his eyes went from Clare's face to her bare arms. "Checking that you're okay," he said, gulping.

"You don't have to worry about me, Fitz," said Clare uneasily. Why did he look so worried?

"Well, you're hanging out with Eli Goldsworthy… you're a nice girl," shrugged Fitz. "I know we don't know each other that well, but I feel protective of you. As weird as that sounds."

Clare briefly recalled Fitz pushing KC in the hallway just weeks after the breakup. Maybe it had something to do with that… or maybe it was something else.

"How do you know Eli?" asked Clare curiously. "You seem to know a lot about him."

"I know some people that went to his school," said Fitz. "Did he ever tell you why he left? Why he got expelled?"

"He didn't get expelled," frowned Clare. "He transferred after… after something happened."

"That's not what I heard," said Fitz, crossing his arms. "It was some deal with the girl he was dating at the time. Sorry, I can't say more… Not my place to do so. Maybe you should ask him, I have the feeling that he hasn't been completely honest with you."

"How do you know he hasn't been honest?" blurted Clare defiantly. "I'm dating him, I think I would know." But in the back of her mind, she knew that Fitz was right. Eli seemed to be keeping a lot of things from her, and this frustrated her greatly. She was tried of being kept in the dark by everyone, of not being trusted with the truth.

"There's your answer, Clare Edwards," said Fitz, picking up his books and standing up, ready to leave. "You're still dating him. If you knew the truth, you wouldn't be with him."

Clare just stared at Fitz and doubt started consuming her thoughts. "Thanks for your help," grinned Fitz, and walked away.

_**Eli**_

He waited in the hearse, and when he saw Fitz walking out of the library, he had to repress the urge of running after him and beating him up. He knew that the only reason why Fitz had asked for Clare's help was to annoy Eli and to try to steal Clare away.

_Mr. Possessive._

Alli's words were still etched in his mind, but he knew that he wasn't being possessive, just protective of Clare. He knew that Fitz was up to no good, and he didn't want anyone hurting his girlfriend. Nothing bad would ever happen to Clare, not with him around.

_You promised me that you would always be there for me, but you lied!_

Eli closed his eyes as he remembered Julia's words during their last fight. He started feeling anxious and he grabbed the steering wheel, trying to remain calm. He didn't want to think about Julia, but her ghost was more present than ever.

_Well, Julia, what did you expect?_

_I expected more from you! You're just a liar, you're fucked up, and I don't know if I can be with you anymore._

_Then leave! Leave and never come back! _

Someone knocked on his window, making him open his eyes, and for a moment Eli felt confused. It felt as if he had only left his bedroom, as if he had only finished yelling at Julia.

Clare was standing next to the hearse, holding her books close to her. Eli rolled down the window and frowned at her expression- Clare seemed greatly upset.

"Are you okay?" asked Eli. "Did Fitz-"

"Stop it," snapped Clare.

"Clare, what the-"

"Why did you leave your other school?" asked Clare rapidly. "Why were you expelled?"

"Expelled?" asked Eli, confused. "I wasn't expelled. I transferred after what happened with Julia. You know that."

"Well, what happened with Julia then?" asked Clare briskly. "Why did you guys fight?"

"Where are all these questions coming from?" asked Eli, and he motioned to open the door and get out of the hearse.

"Stay there. I'm taking the bus," said Clare finally, and walked away.

"Clare! Goddamn it," muttered Eli as he got out of the hearse, and ran after her. He grabbed her gently by the wrist, forcing her to turn around and look at him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" blurted Eli.

"You're not being honest with me!" yelled Clare.

"Clare… I told you that I needed time with the Julia thing…" said Eli miserably.

"I know, I know, but I can't do this," said Clare brusquely.

"You need to understand-"

"I'm done being understanding! I'm done being the nice girl who believes everything everybody says! I'm done, Eli!"

Eli felt his heart shatter and his senses were numb.

"You're… breaking up with me?"

"I just need some time," said Clare, her eyes filled with tears. "If you're not honest with me, I don't know if I can be with you anymore."

_I don't know if I can be with you anymore. _

They stared at each other and Eli wanted to tell Clare the truth, wanted to tell her why he felt so guilty about Julia's death... to tell her the reason why Julia left that night.

"That sounds like an ultimatum," Eli said instead, and realized at once that he had messed up.

"Maybe it is," said Clare bitterly, and walked away quickly.

_There you go,_ thought Eli, _you've messed things up again, as always_. Eli looked after her and knew that he was about to lose Clare.

And he was the only one to blame.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Again, thank you for reading this story. It means the world to me.**

_**Clare**_

She had to endure two hours of her mother yelling at her, telling her that she was grounded until the world ended, but Clare didn't care. After the long lecture Clare was free to go, so she walked straight to Darcy's old bedroom. Darcy had her suitcase on the bed and Greg was sitting on it as well, smiling the entire time. They were a lovely couple, Clare thought, and Darcy looked truly happy.

She knocked on the open door and Darcy turned to look at her, a sad little smile on her face. "We heard that," Greg called. "So sad that you're grounded for all eternity."

"I will survive," shrugged Clare. "Thanks for your sympathy."

Greg glanced at the two sisters and stood up, still smiling broadly. "I'm going to go talk to your mum, darling," he said, kissing Darcy on the cheek. "You two have fun."

He walked by Clare and patted her on the shoulder before leaving the room, his eyes filled with tenderness. He left, and Clare just stood on the doorway, anxious about the conversation ahead.

"Greg loves mom, apparently," said Darcy, folding a couple shirts and putting them in the suitcase.

"You're leaving already?" asked Clare remorsefully.

"We're going to visit Manny and Jay," said Darcy, still folding clothes. "And then we're going back to Africa. We were lucky to get this little time off."

"Sorry about last night," blurted Clare.

Darcy looked at her and shook her head. "I deserved it. You were right, it was easier for me to pretend that nothing was going on because I live so far away."

Clare said nothing but walked over to Darcy and helped her fold some clothes. "Clare, I'm sorry I abandoned you. I feel so happy over there, but that doesn't mean I don't think about you."

"I know, Darcy. But it would be nice if you e-mailed more often, or even a phone call every now and then," said Clare.

"I will try. Things will be better once I move to London," said Darcy. "I will never abandon you again… Clare, you've always been there for me even when others were judging me. You're my anchor."

Clare started crying and Darcy hugged her, both of them sobbing their hearts out. "I love you, Clare. Don't ever doubt that."

"I love you too, Darcy."

Darcy chuckled and both started wiping their tears away, and they laughed some more. "Greg seems amazing," sniffled Clare.

"He is. He knows all about me and still… he doesn't care."

"Did you tell him everything?" asked Clare, surprised.

"Of course, I have no secrets from him," grinned Darcy. "But it took me a while to open up to him."

Clare thought of Eli and his secrets, of his guilt. "Why did you wait?"

Darcy sighed and started closing her suitcase. "Because I was afraid of losing him if he knew everything about me, all the bad stuff I went through. Because although his love is sincere, there are some secrets that once they are revealed, they can ruin everything. But Greg stayed. He was loving and understanding, and here we are, getting married."

"That is really good," said Clare, still thinking of Eli.

"What about Eli?" asked Darcy, smiling knowingly. "He seems like one of those bad boys you seem to like so much."

"He's not a bad boy," said Clare honestly. "Not really."

"Come on, let's go help mom with dinner," said Darcy, looking around the room. "Enjoy your few minutes of freedom before your eternal punishment begins!"

They walked out of the room and Darcy flung an arm around Clare's shoulder, and they both laughed as they walked down the stairs. The doorbell rang and Clare ran over to open the door, expecting her father.

It was Eli.

"Can I have a word?" he said seriously, his voice sounding extremely tired.

Clare glanced at Darcy, who smiled at her. "Go. You're already doomed anyway," chuckled Darcy.

_**Eli**_

"_Don't keep too many secrets from her, Eli," warned Cece._

He saw her walk away and something inside of him snapped. He drove around, giving Clare time to cool off, and after a couple hours he drove straight to her house.

He wanted to change and for Clare, he would.

As soon as Clare stepped out of her house, Eli wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, holding her tight. Clare struggled for a second, but then kissed him back, and he felt elated.

They kissed for what it seemed hours, until Clare finally pushed Eli away gently, her face very red. "This doesn't change anything, Elijah Goldsworthy," she said crossly.

"Come with me," breathed Eli. "I want to show you something." Eli knew that he was risking a lot of things by taking Clare with him, that maybe she wouldn't understand where he was coming from. But he felt hopeful.

"Eli…" hesitated Clare. "I'm kind of grounded-"

"Please."

Clare looked away and Eli's heart started beating painfully against his chest. She was taking forever to answer and when she finally looked back at him, her blue eyes pierced his own.

"Where are we going, Eli?"

She was asking a perfectly normal question, but Eli didn't know how to answer. He tried to find the words to describe the place where they were going without sounding too nervous, without sounding terrified. A word came to mind, a word that had defined his existence for over a year.

"Hell."

_**Later**_

Clare had her arms crossed as Eli held the lock of his bedroom in his hands, terror paralyzing his senses. "Your room? Really?" Clare sounded beyond upset, and Eli gulped nervously.

"Give me a minute," mumbled Eli, and unlocked his door. "Clare… I don't expect you to stay after this."

He flung the door open and closed his eyes as he heard Clare gasp in shock. "Eli… what…"

Eli opened his eyes and stared at the mess in front of him, at the piles of newspapers and magazines threatening to crash down at any time and bury him alive. The books that he had neglected after Julia's death, their pages yellowing for lack of use and that old enemy, time. The empty cans and food wrappers that he refused to throw away for fear of losing his mind.

It was his personal hell, no doubt about it.

"The night Julia died, I was extremely pissed off at her," explained Eli as Clare walked into the room, her lips slightly parted. "After she stormed out, I came to my room and grabbed all the stuff I had from her. I went to our trash bin and threw everything in there, determined not to see it ever again."

Clare picked up the broken frame with Julia's picture, which was sitting on Eli's desk. Eli had taken it out of his drawer when he was looking for a clean shirt, and forgot to put it back in there after he was done. Clare studied the picture carefully, a look of sadness in her face, but she said nothing.

"After coming back from Julia's funeral, I panicked," continued Eli as Clare put down the picture. "I ran to our trash bin and got all of her stuff back, I couldn't part from it. I had lost Julia, but I still had her things as a consolation prize, for lack of better words."

"But all this stuff, Eli," said Clare sadly. "You can't live like this."

"Every time I try to throw something away, I stop and hold on to it," said Eli. "It seems so vital for me to keep it. To keep the memories. To not forget. I feel so safe in here, Clare. Buried in my own wretched and pathetic memories. But I know it's not right."

Clare looked at him and Eli could feel his eyes burning with tears, but he refused to cry in front of her. "If I throw something away I feel like I'm killing her all over again," said Eli. "Like I'm pressing a pillow against her face and suffocating her. I'm already forgetting what her voice sounded like, and that's not fair to her. I killed her and now I'm killing her memory."

"You didn't kill her," said Clare simply.

"I don't know anymore."

They looked at each other and the room was filled with silence, with Eli's words consuming them both.

"Let's go talk somewhere else," said Clare finally and Eli nodded.

Eli locked his bedroom door and they went over to the guest room, and he felt grateful that both Cece and Bullfrog were at the radio station that afternoon. Eli and Clare sat on the bed and he just stared at the ceiling, afraid of what Clare was about to ask.

"Eli, you can't keep going on like this," said Clare.

"Oh, but I do," sighed Eli. "I need to hold on to this guilt so I don't forget about what I did."

"But this guilt is keeping you from being happy," said Clare and grabbed his hand, stroking it with her warm fingers.

Eli didn't respond but enjoyed the sensation of Clare's hand on his, and he tried to remain composed in front of her.

"Eli… are you still in love with her?"

Clare's voice was filled with anguish and fear and Eli turned to look at her. He breathed deeply and knew that the next few words escaping his mouth would change everything between them.

"No. I am in love with you."

A tear rolled down Clare's cheek and Eli smirked slightly, thinking about cheesy romantic movies where the main guy tells the girl of his dreams that he loves her, and they live happily ever after. But his relationship with Clare was nothing short of a tragedy, not meant for the optimistic and positive hearts.

"Then why won't you tell me the reason why you guys fell apart?"

"Because I'm not ready. Because the truth will destroy what we have and I'm terrified."

"But I will understand, Eli, because I love you. I want to be with you."

Eli snorted and pressed Clare's hand against his own cheek. "Give me time, Clare."

"I'm afraid that you're just making it a bigger deal than it actually is," insisted Clare.

Their eyes met and Eli knew that he would have to tell Clare the truth eventually because his heart and soul were hers, and she would be able to see right through him anyway.

"If this gets too heavy for you, if you can't be with me anymore, I will completely-"

Clare's lips were suddenly on his, kissing him fervently. There was something different about the way Clare was kissing him, it was as if she was trying to give him life through her lips. Eli held on to her, kissing her back passionately as he pulled her down to the bed, her body on top of his.

He could feel Clare's heart beating fast against his chest and he bit Clare's lip gently, not wanting to let go of her. He moved so he could be on top of her, he wanted to take in the sight of Clare's face, of her eyes, of her lips.

"Why are you still here?" muttered Eli, staring at Clare's blushing face.

"I told you. I love you. We're both damaged but together we can fix this."

"I love you too."

He loved taking possession of her lips, of the inside of her mouth, of her heart. He started kissing her neck , his hands were all over Clare's body and to his surprise, she wasn't pushing him away. He started unbuttoning Clare's blouse and gulped at the glimpse of her bra, not able to believe that just a couple of hours before they were almost broken up.

He looked at the cross sitting on her chest, and pushed it away gently to kiss the spot where it had been. He kissed every single spot on Clare's collarbone, teasing her skin with his tongue. Clare's breathing was uneven and Eli unhooked her bra swiftly with his fingers.

"Why aren't you asking me to stop?" he asked.

"Because I don't want you to."

This drove Eli over the edge and he unbuttoned the rest of Clare's blouse so he could have full access to her breasts. He knew that his hands were cold but Clare didn't seem to mind as he started to touch her, her soft skin feeling like heaven under Eli's fingers.

He kissed her the entire time, feeling turned on as he heard Clare moan against his lips. He needed to stop before they took things too far; he knew that Clare wasn't ready yet.

He didn't want to repeat past mistakes.

Eli's hands slowed down and he rapidly fixed Clare's bra again, still kissing her. He buttoned Clare's blouse patiently, their kissing becoming more and more subdued.

"That was amazing," said Clare breathlessly as Eli buttoned the last button.

"It really was," agreed Eli, and kissed her on the forehead.

They just lay there for a while, Eli's head resting on Clare's chest, and she ran her fingers through his hair lovingly.

"I want to help," said Clare. "I mean… do you want me to help? With your hoarding?"

"Therapy hasn't helped me," said Eli, sliding his hand under Clare's blouse. "Can you?"

"Well, you need to actually open up to your therapist first," said Clare sternly.

"Pfft."

"Eli."

"I'll try, okay? You're better than any therapist in the world."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes."

Eli brushed his fingers over Clare's belly and sighed dramatically. "I guess I have to tell Dr. Porter about all the bad stuff in my life."

"Good boy," chuckled Clare. "And when you do, maybe I can help you out… maybe I can help you get better too."

"I do want to get better, Clare," admitted Eli.

"And you will," said Clare, kissing the top of his head. "I know you will."

Eli held on to Clare, glad that he had opened up a bit more to her. But the ghost of Julia's death was still present, still palpable, still haunting. The reason behind their fight was a burden he couldn't get rid of, a burden that he would carry with him forever.

A burden that could destroy everything.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. Sigh sigh sigh.**

**Author's note: This chapter is set a month and a half after last. :)**

_**Clare**_

"The dance is tomorrow," said Alli excitedly. "Vegas night! Ah, I need to buy a new dress, shoes… I have procrastinated so much! I'm glad we're going shopping after school. I'm guessing you're going with Eli, of course."

"Well, are you going with Drew?" chuckled Clare and Alli nodded eagerly.

Another kind of question was lurking in Clare's mind, but every time she opened her mouth to ask it, she hesitated.

"Drew is so amazing, Clare," said Alli happily, opening her bag of chips. "I'm just so lucky."

_Ask her, Clare! Ask her! _

"He seems like a nice guy," admitted Clare. "Really into you." _It shouldn't be this difficult to ask_, thought Clare, feeling anxious.

"Are you okay?" asked Alli, setting her chips down. "You look pale."

"Um…" Clare gulped and avoided Alli's eyes. "I… well… I wanted to ask… uh… does it hurt?"

_Not awkward at all, Clare,_ she thought.

"Huh?" Alli seemed utterly confused by Clare's question. "What are you talking about?"

"Your first time," muttered Clare rapidly, her face turning bright red. "Does it hurt?"

Alli's expression went from shock to giddiness. "Whoa, Clare Edwards, are you considering having sex?"

Clare looked around horrified, expecting people to be staring at them. She gulped again and Alli started giggling uncontrollably, not helping Clare's nervousness.

"Never mind," mumbled Clare. Things with Eli had intensified tremendously and she felt disappointed every time he stopped, afraid of taking things too far. She recalled the night before, spending time in his living room, his body on top of hers and how his hand slid under the front of her jeans….

"Claaaaaaaaare, please tell me about it!" squealed Alli. "Are you going to sleep with Eli?"

"M-maybe," stuttered Clare. "I've been thinking about it." She glanced at her purity ring and frowned at the symbolism of it. She knew that the time was right for both of them, that it wasn't too soon. They had already faced things most couples didn't have to go through, she thought, and she knew that there was no point in feeling guilty about it.

"It _is_ a little uncomfortable, at first," said Alli finally, ignoring Clare's silence. "But once you get used to it, oh, you won't be able to stop."

Alli chuckled at her own words and Clare blushed even deeper. "I… I don't know. I mean, I really want to be with him, but I don't know how to approach it."

"Have you talked about it before?" asked Alli. "About sex?"

"Yeah, kind of," admitted Clare. "Um… he's not a virgin but he has never pressured me into anything."

"How far have you guys… you know…" asked Alli, raising her eyebrows knowingly.

"Just hands under our clothes, that's all," said Clare, embarrassed.

Alli giggled and ate a couple of chips, frowning in concentration. "Do you need condoms? I can give you some."

"It's not like I'm doing it tonight!" blurted Clare. "I mean... no..."

"You never know," winked Alli. "You don't want ruining the perfect moment just because you don't have protection, as simple as that."

"This is embarrassing," said Clare, burying her face in her hands. She couldn't believe she was having that conversation, and in the school cafeteria of all places.

"It's not embarrassing, it's _normal_," sighed Alli. "And you have this really incredible connection with Eli… it's okay, Clare. It's not a sin."

Clare removed her hands from her face and grinned sheepishly at Alli. "I'm not too worried about sinning, I'm worried at being horrible at it," she admitted. What if Eli didn't like her body? She had never been naked in front of anyone before and the thought of taking her clothes in front of him was frightening.

"Honey, Eli may be the most sensitive, mysterious guy in the world," chuckled Alli. "But he's still a guy. What I'm trying to say is that you will do okay, believe me."

Clare smiled at Alli, feeling more at ease. "Thanks. It's sad that I can't talk about this with my mom, you know."

Alli nodded and licked the salt of the chips off her lips, humming cheerfully. "You know what else you can't do with your mom? Lingerie shopping. We will shop for more than just dresses this afternoon, my dear friend."

Clare choked on her drink and her body felt hot at once, her obvious embarrassment making Alli giggle.

"Oh, dear."

_**Eli**_

"Whoa. You lucky bastard."

Adam kept staring at the hickey on Eli's neck, his mouth gaping in awe. Eli shrugged uncomfortably and continued reading his comic as they both sat with their back against their lockers.

"Seriously. This is not fair," snorted Adam. "You get the kind of action I can only see in movies."

"Well, you must be watching PG-13 movies then," smirked Eli. "Things with Clare haven't gone _that _far."

"Dude, just take off her ring and go at it," chuckled Adam, and Eli punched him in the arm.

"Shut up," snapped Eli playfully. "It's okay, really. I adore her and I don't mind waiting."

Adam snorted again and went back to reading his comic, making a snide remark every now and then. Eli truly enjoyed spending time with the boy; Adam was his first real friend since the incident with Julia.

_Julia._

"Have you told her about… you know… what happened with Julia?" asked Adam, as if reading his mind. Eli had opened up to Adam about it just a few weeks before, and it had been terrible. Adam had stared at him in disbelief, then anger, and then complete understanding. His friend insisted that Clare needed to know the truth, that she would be able to understand Eli's actions.

Eli wasn't too sure of it. Although he had also opened up more to his therapist, his guilt was still present and he just couldn't tell Clare the truth like that. He admired Clare's patience, she had really given him enough time without being pushy, and maybe someday soon he would be able to tell her.

"No," sighed Eli, closing his comic. "Every time I want to I just….Ugh."

"But it's not that bad, man," said Adam. "I completely understand why_ that _happened."

"Of course, you're a guy," said Eli shortly.

"Whatever," said Adam. "She needs to know."

"I know."

They continued reading in silence while Eli thought about different ways to tell Clare the truth without scaring her away. Nothing useful came to mind so he decided to focus on his comic instead.

"Be right back, I need to use the restroom," said Adam, putting his comic on the floor. "My bladder is killing me."

"You know, you don't have to tell me_ everything_," mocked Eli, and Adam hit him in the head before walking to the nearby restroom. Eli sighed and smirked when he recalled the previous night and his make-out session with Clare. She had never been so trusting of him, and he dared to take things further by sliding his hand down the front of Clare's jeans, his fingers making her moan his name over and over. Clare had pressed her lips against his neck at some point and bit him gently, enough to leave a mark.

"You need to stop thinking about this," he muttered to himself bitterly.

Eli heard a loud crash coming from the restroom and he threw his comic aside immediately, thinking of Adam. He stood up quickly and ran to the restroom, pushing the door open with all his might. Adam was on the ground as he pushed a trashcan away from him, and Eli noticed a cut on his friend's left cheek. Fitz was standing in front of Adam, chuckling menacingly.

"Be a _man_, Adam Torres, and hit me back," sneered Fitz, and Eli realized what was going on. He grabbed Fitz by the back of his jacket and shoved him away, twisting his wrist in the process.

"Leave my friend alone," snapped Eli furiously, and Fitz started laughing.

"Don't you mean… your _girlfriend_," spat Fitz. "This freak needs to go to his proper restroom… do you know he has _boobs_?"

Eli glanced at Adam, who was trying to stand up, but he didn't dare to move in case Fitz did something else. "Leave him alone," said Eli again in a threatening tone.

"Eli, Eli, Eli," mocked Fitz. "You are quite the hero now, aren't you? And your life is perfect. You have a dorky friend, a hearse, and a Mary Pure girlfriend. Isn't that nice?"

"Let's go," mumbled Adam, holding some paper towels against his cheek. "Just… let's go."

"I know your secrets, Goldsworthy," said Fitz, biting his lower lip in a sinister way. "I know about Julia. Does Clare know about her?"

"Mind your own business," retorted Eli, and grabbed Adam by the arm to leave the restroom.

"I know what you did to her. To Julia."

Eli stopped and held his breath at Fitz's words, staring blankly at him. "Ignore him," pleaded Adam.

"I know people who attend your oold high school," continued Fitz, clearly enjoying the moment. "I know what happened between you two. Aren't you ashamed? You're such a dick."

"He's better than you!" yelled Adam, and tried to make Eli react. "Don't listen to him."

Eli didn't say anything and his mind went back to the night Julia died. He was back in his living room with Julia standing in front of him, a disappointed look in her eyes. 

_How could you do this to me? You've ruined me! _

"Eli, please!" said Adam, sounding anxious. "Let's go!"

But Eli was rooted to the spot, he simply couldn't move. Terror paralyzed his body and senses, he wanted to tell Julia that he was sorry, but only hateful words came out of his mouth. 

_You've ruined me too, Julia!_

"That poor, sweet girl," mocked Fitz, walking closer to them. "Are you going to do the same thing to Clare Edwards?"

"Eli!" cried Adam, tugging on his sleeve. "Listen to me!"

Everything was surreal; it was as if he was in two places at the same time. Eli could see and hear Julia screaming at him, but he could also see Fitz scowling, a hint of savage pleasure in his eyes.

"Have you told her? Have you told Clare?" insisted Fitz, and Eli snapped. He pulled away from Adam and pushed Fitz against a locked stall, rage running through his body.

"You don't know shit about me," snarled Eli, his face close to Fitz's.

"Oh, you are wrong," chuckled Fitz darkly. "I know everything about you. I will use it against you."

"I want to see you try," snapped Eli. "Stay away from me, from my friends, from Clare. If I see you anywhere near them, I will kill you."

"Well, you've certainly done that before," smirked Fitz, and Eli punched him in the stomach. Fitz fell on his knees, coughing and laughing at the same time.

"Let's go," said Eli coldly, and Adam followed him.

"This is not over!" yelled Fitz after them.

"What the fuck?" blurted Adam as they walked back to their lockers and Eli started grabbing his stuff. "Eli, what the fuck happened in there?"

"I want to ask you the exact same thing," said Eli as he shoved all his things into his backpack. "Why were you fighting with him?"

"That doesn't matter right now," said Adam as they walked down the hallway hurriedly. "You were just standing there like a zombie! Eli, that's not normal!"

"It happens sometimes," said Eli. "Don't worry about it. Fitz took me by surprise, that's all… and yes, my therapist knows before you make any comment."

"Okay," said Adam, sounding slightly relieved. "But… Fitz knows about Julia! What if he tells Clare before you do?"

"I'm telling her tonight," said Eli, and the reality of his statement freaked him out. "I can't let Fitz tell her."

"Jesus Christ," breathed Adam.

"I hear you using the Lord's name in vain," said Clare playfully, sneaking behind them.

"Fuck!" gasped Eli, and Adam jumped at the sound of Clare's voice.

"Oh, did I scare you?" asked Clare mockingly but her expression changed when she was the look on their faces. "What is going on? Adam… what happened to your cheek?"

"My locker, you know, attacked me," lied Adam. "Same old, same old."

"His locker is a terrible object," said Eli, playing along. "It hates Adam more than I hate terrible grammar."

"Wow, that is a lot of hate," chuckled Clare. "Hey, I wanted to ask you… what are you doing tonight?"

"I was going to ask you the exact same thing," grinned Eli nervously.

"Well, I'm going shopping with Alli, but after that, I'm free," said Clare. "Do you want to hang out? It's great that I'm not grounded anymore."

"So much for all eternity," chuckled Adam.

"Sure, but… do you mind meeting at my house?" asked Eli, gulping. "Cece and Bullfrog won't be there and I kind of need to talk to you."

"That's fine," said Clare. "I'll be there." Clare leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on the lips, and it took all of Eli's willpower not to kiss her back passionately.

"See you later," said Eli breathlessly, and Clare walked away.

"So… tonight, huh?" said Adam as they both watched Clare walking away. Eli felt his chest getting heavier and heavier, painfully aware of what he was about to do.

"Yes. Tonight."

_**Clare **_

She knocked on Eli's door, feeling nervous and completely terrified. Alli had given her two condoms, which Clare was keeping in her purse. She was also wearing the lacy underwear Alli made her buy, although she wasn't sure if something would actually happen that night.

Eli opened the door, looking slightly pale, and he was rubbing his forehead with his hand.

"Headache?" asked Clare sweetly before leaning in to kiss him. Eli kissed her back and then sighed, letting her in.

"Just a tiny one," said Eli. "Nothing serious. Do you want to leave your purse here?"

"No… I… I want to take it with me," said Clare, trying to sound normal.

Clare took a deep breath as they went upstairs to the guest room, where they usually spent their time together whenever she visited. She gulped again as Eli closed the door behind him and they both sat on the bed, saying nothing.

There was nervousness in the air and Clare wondered if Eli had any idea of what was going on. "So, how did the shopping go?" asked Eli finally.

"It was fun," said Clare. "Although Alli tried on like a million dresses, ha ha."

"Sounds like Alli," smiled Eli. "Are you excited about the dance tomorrow? I know I'm not."

"That's because you are a killjoy," grinned Clare, and kissed him on the cheek. "We'll have fun, I promise. Do you need help with your room today?"

Eli shook his head as he wrapped his arm around Clare's waist. "Nah, I'm taking a break today. I still have a long way to go… and I need more boxes."

"We'll sort stuff out, don't worry," smiled Clare, and their lips met. Eli started kissing her intensely right away, almost as if they were running out of time.

"You wanted to talk about something," muttered Clare as Eli started kissing her neck. "Didn't you?"

"Maybe later."

Soon enough, Eli was on top of her, his hands all over her body, and Clare moaned softly against his lips. Eli's hand slid under her top and the moment it reached her breast, he stopped kissing her.

"What in the…?"

He looked at her with a confused expression and Clare could feel her cheeks getting red. "I… Went shopping today, remember."

Eli brushed his fingers against the lacy bra and seemed deep in thought. "Can I… see it?"

Their eyes met and Clare knew that there was no turning back, and she didn't regret it at all. "Yes."

She took off her top slowly with her shaking hands and she felt Eli's eyes on her. Clare threw the top aside and blushed as she noticed the lust in Eli's eyes.

"Oh. _Oh._" Eli gulped and smiled nervously at her. "Nice… _purchase_." He seemed to be struggling with himself and Clare touched his cheek with her hand.

"I've been thinking about this for a long time," said Clare, her heart racing. "I… I want to be with you."

Eli looked at her in alarm, and bit his lip nervously. "I… don't know what to say… I thought…"

"This?" said Clare, pointing at her purity ring.

"Well… yeah. And we talked about it, and you said…"

"I'm sure of this, Eli," said Clare. "I really am."

Eli kissed her slowly, tentatively, as if waiting for her to change her mind. "This is a trap," he smirked. "You planned this."

"Yes, I am evil," mocked Clare.

"Are you sure?" asked Eli, his hand gently caressing Clare's messy hair.

"You ask _way_ too many questions, Eli," chuckled Clare.

"What can I say, I have an inquisitive mind," grinned Eli, and one of his hands moved to the back of Clare's bra. "And curious hands."

"I trust you, Eli," said Clare. "That's why I know that this is right. I trust you."

There was a flicker of fear in Eli's eyes but he blinked and it was gone, and he undid the bra's clasp. His hands were moving slowly and patiently, teasing her… it felt as if he wanted to give her time to run away. He seemed to be testing her limits, she thought.

"I don't know why you trust me so much," he breathed, his lips on Clare's shoulder.

A million answers went through Clare's mind, and she wanted to explain how their connection was the only thing that mattered to her, how he had helped her through a really dark time, how his past didn't matter and how their future was the only thing that kept her going.

But suddenly, only one answer came to mind.

"It's simple. I love you."

**A/N: Oops. Sorry for leaving it there. ;) I'll update soon. **


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. **

**Author's note: This chapter will be shorter than the rest because next chapter will be AWFULLY long. Okay, not THAT long, hahaha. Um… Okay. Just to get something out of the way. I don't believe in waiting until marriage but that doesn't mean I don't admire the people who do. With that being said, I really don't want PM telling me that this happened too soon, etc etc. So, yeah. I hope you like this chapter because next chapter, well, you may end up hating me. :) The reason why Eli and Julia fought will be revealed in chapter 15, and it's going to be messy. It may not be that shocking, but… Well, you'll see. **

**Also, props to DevinFabulous because I'm kind of referencing one of her one-shots, "Lock and Key," in this chapter. Go read it. Now! Okay, after you finish this chapter. But yes, read it!**

_**Clare**_

She had never been high or drunk, but she thought that the way she felt was the closest she had ever been to being blissfully intoxicated. Their clothes were on the floor and Clare would glance at Eli's naked body every now and then, blushing when she did. A little gasp escaped her lips as Eli continued to kiss every single inch of her body, and the places where he had placed his lips were burning slightly.

Eli ran his hands all over her thighs, touching her slowly, patiently. Then he brushed his lips against her belly, the sensation of his tongue making her grasp the sheets tightly and arch her back. It felt simply too good and she bit her lip as Eli gave his full attention to her breasts.

Clare found Eli's nervousness amusing; she could see that he was shaking every time he touched her, as if afraid of hurting her. "I should be the nervous one," said Clare in a small voice as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Hmm," mumbled Eli, kissing her gently as his hands caressed her breasts tenderly. "You're just too good for me. You've always been."

"You're so self-deprecating, Eli," sighed Clare, touching Eli's chest tentatively. She couldn't believe she was touching his skin in such an intimate way, and her hand went up and down, making Eli close his eyes and sigh.

"That's why you love me," mocked Eli, and kissed her. Their tongues explored each other's mouth hungrily, and all the tenderness and patience seemed to disappear. Clare pulled Eli closer to her, their naked bodies pressed against each other, and she felt a powerful burning sensation run through her body.

"God, Clare," groaned Eli, digging his fingers in her hips in an almost painful way, and Clare moaned loudly. Their eyes met and Clare knew that Eli couldn't wait any longer, she just knew.

"I… I have the condoms in my bag," she said nervously.

Eli raised an eyebrow and smirked at once. "Well, I had some back in my room but yours are in a more convenient place."

"Well, Alli gave me some… not sure if they're the right size… but we figured that you and Drew…"

"You were discussing the size of our- oh my," chuckled Eli, mildly amused. He buried his face in Clare's neck, still chuckling, and Clare tugged on his hair playfully.

"Stop making fun of me!" she protested, and Eli searched for her lips again, kissing her slowly.

"Fine," he grinned, and reached out for Clare's purse on the nightstand. He searched through it and found one of the condoms, and threw the purse aside carefully. Eli stared at the condom, a look of mock concentration on his face.

"Oh, this is not going to work out," he smirked, and Clare hit him in the arm. "Just kidding, Clare." It took Eli just a minute to get ready and then he turned to face Clare, looking definitely terrified.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said, pulling her under him. His eyes were filled with a mixture of nervousness, anxiety, and deep love.

Clare pulled him closer to her and kissed her in the most trusting way she could. She felt nervous too, especially after the conversation she had with Alli… Maybe Alli had gone into too much detail or maybe she was right.

"I know you won't," reassured Clare, and kissed the corner of Eli's lips. Eli continued to run his hands over her body and he kissed her passionately, the only sounds in the room being Clare's quiet moans.

"I love you," muttered Eli, his lips close to Clare's ear, and she felt as he pushed into her slowly. The sudden pain made her dig her fingernails in Eli's back, and she closed her eyes tightly. "Sorry," he mumbled, but Clare shook her head.

"It's okay, it's okay," she gasped as he slid in deeper. He moved slowly and his lips met hers, and Clare forgot momentarily about the pain. She truly loved him, and she couldn't imagine being with someone else… ever. She kissed him eagerly as the pain started to fade a little, and he moved a little faster.

"I love you so much," breathed Eli, and then he gently bit Clare's lower lip, making her moan. Clare just held on to him as he continued to move and she started to feel some sort of pleasure, her heart racing as she heard Eli hold his breath. He pressed his lips hard against hers and Eli's whole body started shaking.

"I love you, Eli," said Clare as Eli looked at her and the familiar flicker of guilt and fear reappeared in his eyes. Clare felt confused by it, but Eli kissed a spot on her neck and she decided to stop worrying so much.

_**Eli**_

He was a horrible, terrible, disgusting human being.

Clare had given him everything, and he couldn't even tell her his secret. He had had the chance to tell her before having sex, but he chickened out, as always.

He had to tell her. He had to tell Clare, and he had to let her know that he loved her more than anything… He held her in his arms and Clare snuggled closer to him, fully awake.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Clare innocently.

"You. Even though you're right here next to me," said Eli truthfully. "I'm terribly afraid of losing you."

"Eli, you're silly," chuckled Clare. "Look at what just happened. I'm here to stay, otherwise I would have never slept with you."

He had to tell her.

"Clare, listen-"

There was a loud knock on the door and both of them jumped in shock. "Boy, are you in there?" bellowed Bullfrog.

"Yes! I need some privacy, okay?" blurted Eli as Clare scrambled to get out of bed in a panic.

"Bullshit, I need to get something from the closet in there," said Bullfrog loudly.

"Clare is in here," called Eli back, which caused Clare to throw a shoe at him.

"So? That doesn't mean anything! I swear, boy, if you're locked in there with my old stash of Playboy magazines again-"

Eli's eyes widened in horror at his father's words and his face turned bright red, and he cursed Bullfrog under his breath.

"I'm in here, Mr. Goldsworthy," called Clare, grinning amusedly at Eli.

"Oh."

They heard the retreating footsteps and Eli got out of bed, looking for his clothes. He didn't dare to look at Clare, feeling both embarrassed and frustrated.

"Playboy magazines, eh?" mocked Clare cheekily as finished putting her clothes on. Eli looked around for his shirt and cleared his throat nervously.

"I was thirteen," said Eli casually. "Long time ago."

Clare couldn't stop giggling but Eli kept thinking about the moment Bullfrog had interrupted. "I have to go home, Mr. Playboy," said Clare. "My mother won't be amused if I get there after curfew."

"Yeah, I'll… I'll take you home."

Clare collected her things as Eli took the sheets off the bed hurriedly. Clare looked curiously at him and Eli shrugged. "It's my laundry day anyway," he said carelessly.

They left the room, and Eli felt his guilt creeping in. He felt as if his hormones had betrayed him, his stupid heart had acted before his brain, and he knew that he had made a mistake.

No, sleeping with Clare hadn't been a mistake. It had been perfect; he loved every second of it. He had never felt so connected to someone and just the scent of her bare skin had been enough to drive him insane.

The mistake was that Eli hadn't been completely honest with Clare before sleeping together, and now he had no idea how to tell her about Julia without looking and sounding like a complete asshole.

Cece and Bullfrog were sitting in the living room when Eli and Clare got downstairs, and Bullfrog was smirking at them. "Hello there," said Bullfrog knowingly.

"Hi, how are you today?" asked Clare politely.

"Oh, we're great, sweetness," said Cece calmly, glaring at Bullfrog. "Nice to see you today."

"I have to take Clare home," said Eli quickly. "Before her mom throws something at me." Eli turned to look at Clare and asked her to wait outside for him. Clare said goodbye to Cece and Bullfrog and went outside, and Eli faced his parents.

"Well, well, well," chuckled Bullfrog.

"Honey," warned Cece, glaring at her husband. "You're so inappropriate."

"Why the look of misery on your face, boy?" asked Bullfrog, ignoring Cece. "You just got lucky with the girl of your dreams! By the way, you better wash those sheets. _By hand_."

"I haven't told her about Julia yet," said Eli wretchedly, and silence filled the room.

Bullfrog's sneer was wiped off his face and he shook his head; Cece looked simply disappointed. "Eli… Oh, Eli, she's going to feel so betrayed after you tell her."

"Maybe I don't have to tell her," said Eli, starting to panic. "She doesn't have to know, I-"

"You can't keep a secret like this from her," said Bullfrog sternly, and Eli was suddenly reminded of the night when… Eli closed his eyes and tried to forget all about it.

"Baby boy, you _love _Clare," said Cece. "You have to tell her. You have to tell her soon."

"I will tell her after the dance tomorrow," sighed Eli miserably.

"Just tell her," said Bullfrog, standing up. "Be a man and tell her, take full responsibility for your actions. I don't want history repeating itself."

"What do you mean?" asked Eli, taken aback.

"You know what I mean," said Bullfrog, and Eli had never seen his father so upset. "I'm going to my office."

Eli looked after his dad and Cece just shrugged, standing up as well. She patted Eli on the head and followed her husband, leaving Eli all alone in the living room. He thought of Clare waiting for him outside, and anxiety threatened to take control of him.

He felt like he was at the edge of the sea, about to take the plunge into the scary unknown.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. Or _Momentum_ or **_**Lighthouse **_**by The Hush Sound. I only own my beautiful computer.  
**

**Author's note: Oh dear. This is the chapter I feared to write, sigh. I really need you guys to stick with me and hang in there after you finish reading it. Thanks for all your love, reviews, comments and everything you say. Much love! If you have a Twitter, feel free to follow me at floorplanhobo. :P**

_-These rules are made to break and these walls are built to fall… These rules are made to break us. - Momentum, The Hush Sound. _

_**Eli**_

They shared a goodbye kiss before Clare headed to her Biology class, and Adam groaned in disgust. "Dudes, stop exchanging saliva in front of me," protested Adam.

"Sorry," blushed Clare, letting go of Eli. Eli noticed that there was a different expression in her eyes, as if somehow she loved him even more.

"See you later," said Eli, leaning in to give her a quick kiss.

"Let her go," chuckled Adam, pushing Clare gently away, causing her to giggle. Both of them watched Clare walk away and Adam cleared his throat as he turned to look at Eli in amusement.

"Okay , what's going on?" asked Adam. "There is something different between you two…"

"Nothing," said Eli quickly, closing his locker. "Nothing at all."

"Hold on. Did you tell her? Eli, did you tell her about Julia? That's it, right?" Adam looked extremely relieved and Eli felt incredibly guilty.

"No… I didn't."

Adam's expression changed completely and he sighed in frustration. "Then what happened? You told me you would tell her and-"

"Something else happened," muttered Eli. "I got distracted."

"What on Earth could have possibly happened that-" started Adam and then gasped, his eyes full of realization. "No. Oh, no. Did you sleep with her?"

"Shut up," snapped Eli quietly. "And yes."

"You know, any other time I would high-five you," said Adam crossly. "But not this time. Eli, seriously? What if Fitz tells her?"

"I'm telling her after the dance tonight, okay?" said Eli reassuringly. "I will, I just can't keep it from her anymore. Not after last night."

Adam sighed again, shaking his head. "Okay, man. I just think you should have told her before… you know…"

Eli opened his mouth to speak but then Fitz walked by, surrounded by his annoying cronies. They were all laughing at something and then suddenly Fitz glanced at Eli, an evil grin appearing on his face. Fitz pointed at his watch, tapping on it, and grinned again.

_Time is running out_, mouthed Fitz as he walked by and Eli looked away.

"Dude, seriously. You need to tell her tonight," insisted Adam.

Eli said nothing and gulped, his familiar sense of guilt engulfing him once again.

_**Clare**_

"Was it great? Was it perfect? Was it magical?"

Clare giggled at Alli's eager questioning, and continued to fix her hair. "It's nothing I had ever experienced before so… I'll tell you next time," said Clare, blushing at once.

"I still can't believe you did it!" squealed Alli, and Clare looked around nervously. They were getting ready for Vegas night in Clare's bedroom, and the last thing she needed was her mother walking in and hearing them talk about sex.

"He seemed a little off after it, though," said Clare.

"Well, he was probably wondering how he got so lucky," mocked Alli, looking at her reflection in Clare's mirror. "Don't worry too much about it. Maybe you guys will go for seconds tonight after the dance!"

"Ah, I don't think so," mumbled Clare. "I'm still a little…"

"Sore?" muttered Alli back as they heard footsteps approaching. "It happens. Oh, well, maybe soon."

"Maybe," nodded Clare, and Mrs. Edwards walked in.

"You girls look beautiful!" smiled Mrs. Edwards. Clare was wearing a dark purple dress, nothing too provocative but not the conservative type of dress she usually wore. Alli was wearing a tight, neon pink dress, and Clare could see the disapproval in her mother's eyes.

"Thanks," said Clare and Alli in unison.

"Okay, I'm going to head out," said Mrs. Edwards, still looking at Alli contemptuously. "Make sure you get here at eleven, not a minute after."

"No problem," said Clare, and her mother walked out. Alli let out a snort and continued to apply on her makeup, rolling her eyes as she did.

"Your mom looked at me like I'm a slut," sighed Alli mockingly. "But… I'm not the one having hot sex with my hearse-driving boyfriend!"

Clare shoved her away playfully and giggled, feeling excited about the night ahead.

_**Eli**_

"Ugh. Ugh. Ugh, can they stop now?"

Adam seemed disgusted at the sight of Fitz and Bianca DeSousa making out on the dance floor, their kissing overtly exaggerated.

"Well, see who we're talking about… Bianca," pointed out Alli and Drew chuckled nervously. "Bianca is a complete whore."

"Alli, please tell us how you feel," mocked Clare and Eli cleared his throat, looking around their little circle nervously. He had been going through what he wanted to tell Clare but the uneasy feeling was still there. He wasn't sure about how Clare would react, and he had been trying to prepare for the worst.

But he couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of Clare leaving him after revealing his secret, it hurt too much. Eli wasn't the same person he used to be before Julia's death, and he hoped that Clare would understand that. He would never hurt Clare the way he hurt Julia.

A nervous-looking freshman walked up to them, her eyes fixed on Adam. "Um… hi," she said nervously, smiling at Adam.

"Hi," grinned Adam. "What's up?"

"Nothing, I was wondering… If you want to… only if you want to… do you want to dance?" the girl blurted, her face extremely red. Adam glanced at Eli, who winked approvingly at his friend.

"Sure!" said Adam, a tone of excitement in his voice, and reached out for the girl's hand. Soon enough they were lost in the dance floor and Alli started to get restless.

"If you will excuse us, Drew and I have to, uh, go look around at the decorations," said Alli, throwing a significant look at her boyfriend.

"Decorations, _right_," said Drew sheepishly, and they left Eli and Clare by themselves.

"Do _you_ want to go look at decorations?" asked Clare flirtatiously, and kissed Eli softly on the lips.

"Maybe later," he smiled, still feeling anxious.

A slow song started playing, and the crowd on the dance floor started thinning out as only couples remained dancing, and Clare looked at him timidly.

_Take what you need while there's time  
The city will be earth in a short while  
If I'm not mistaken it's been in flames  
You and I will escape to the seaside_

"Do you want to…?" she started tentatively.

Eli just smiled at her and grabbed her hand, and they joined the crowd. Clare put her arms around his neck and he pulled her closer as they swayed on the spot, and Eli realized that Clare was the only true thing that mattered to him. His secret was holding him back, and he knew that there was no escaping the truth, no matter how much it hurt.

"So, here we are," said Clare, her eyes full of trust as always.

"Here we are." He kissed her and Clare returned the kiss gently, making Eli forget momentarily about his guilt.

"Clare, you promised me that you would stay with me no matter what, right?" asked Eli, his lips close to Clare's ear.

"Of course," responded Clare, sounding slightly concerned. "Are you okay?"

No, he wasn't okay. He was about to either bring them closer together or break them apart. Losing Clare was a terrifying thought but a very real possibility, and the uncertainty was killing him.

"I'm great. I'm here with you."

_There is a storm in the distance  
The wind breathing warning of its imminence  
There is a lighthouse five hundred yards down  
You and I will be safe there_

_**Clare**_

She looked at her reflection in the restroom mirror as she washed her hands, smiling. She felt happy, for once, even if Eli was acting a little odd. Clare wondered if maybe he was ready to open up about Julia, or maybe she was just over thinking as always. Although she had been patient, she still wanted to know why Eli was so hesitant to explain the nature of his fight with Julia. She was sure that Eli was making it a bigger deal than it probably was, so she wasn't too concerned.

Clare walked out of the restroom happily humming to herself, thinking of Eli. She walked down the deserted hallway and then she noticed Fitz leaning against his locker, sulking.

"Hey," said Clare cheerfully. "What are you doing here? You should be in there, having fun."

"Meh, Bianca is kind of pissed off at me," shrugged Fitz. "Not that you care." Fitz looked at her and smiled sincerely and Clare smiled back.

"Sorry to hear that," said Clare.

"Besides, the girl I really want to be with is taken," added Fitz, his eyes fixed on Clare. Clare felt a shiver run down her spine as she realized what Fitz was talking about.

"I have a boyfriend," said Clare quickly and Fitz sneered. He dug his hands deep into his pockets and continued to look at her.

"I am quite aware of that," said Fitz, yawning. "I can't believe that you're dating a guy like him, after everything he has done."

"Well, that's why_ I'm_ dating him and you're not," snapped Clare daringly.

Fitz raised an eyebrow and chuckled, shaking his head at Clare. "I admire you, Clare Edwards. Any other girl would be terrified of dating him."

Clare started to walk away and Fitz cleared his throat. "What he did to Julia is unforgivable, even if she wasn't a perfect little angel."

Clare turned to face Fitz, her heart beating erratically. "Sorry?"

"Julia was kind of a petty delinquent," said Fitz. "That's how they met. She stole some money from some dorky club in their school or something."

Clare didn't say anything, she didn't want to hear it… but at the same time, curiosity got the best of her. Fitz licked his lower lip, waiting to spill his guts out.

"Did Eli-"

"Eli didn't steal anything, but he saw her do it," shrugged Fitz. "And apparently told her that he would keep quiet if she agreed to go out with him. Such an amateur blackmailer."

Was _that_ the secret? Clare wondered. Eli blackmailed Julia into being in a relationship with him? It wasn't that bad, after all. It was a little messed up, but it wasn't the worst thing ever. She made a mental note of punching Eli for keeping her anxious about something so trivial and juvenile.

"And then, of course, he got her pregnant."

Fitz said the words calmly, his eyes waiting for Clare's reaction. Shock waves went through Clare's body, and her lips parted in astonishment. "What are you talking about?" she gasped. She couldn't imagine Eli getting someone pregnant, not when he was so cautious…

_But you didn't know him back then_, the back of her mind told her, _you don't know him very well right now. _

"Your perfect boyfriend got her pregnant," said Fitz, looking extremely satisfied. "He never told you?"

Clare was speechless, and she tried hard not to faint. Everything was spinning… Pregnant? Did she keep the baby? Or was Julia pregnant when she died? A thousand questions went through Clare's mind but she didn't dare ask them.

"He never told you. Ha." Fitz walked closer to her, noticing her discomfort. "Well, then he obviously didn't tell you the worst part."

Worst part? There was more to it? Clare didn't want to hear it, she was feeling sick with the bile that was rising in her throat, and she felt terribly nauseous.

"He _forced_ her to get an abortion. The whole school witnessed their fight, they saw Eli yelling at her as Julia cried her heart out… Sweet, sensitive Eli forced Julia to get an abortion. My friends told me that Julia was like a ghost after that, that she was never the same. Three weeks later, she went to his house to tell him off, left and well, _she died_. Got hit by a car, I believe."

Clare leaned against a locker, trying to catch her breath. Everything made sense: Eli's guilt, his secrets, the fear in his eyes after they slept together.

"I mean, Eli didn't hit her with his car," sighed Fitz in mock despair. "But he is indeed guilty for her misfortune and her loss of sanity. So tragic, isn't it?"

She felt used and betrayed. She slept with Eli, trusting him with everything she had, and he didn't tell her his secret before that. Clare trusted him, and all she felt now was anger towards him.

Such a meaningful secret, and he didn't trust her enough to tell her.

"Sorry, Clare, I just thought you needed to know," said Fitz as footsteps started approaching. Fitz touched Clare gently on the shoulder but she was too distracted to notice. The anger was making her shake, and tears started stinging her eyes as she thought of her stupidity.

"What is going on in here?"

Clare and Fitz turned around and saw Eli standing in front of them, a worried look on his face.

_**Eli**_

Eli started worrying when Clare didn't come back from the restroom, so he decided to go look for her. He never expected to see Fitz rubbing Clare's shoulder with a consoling look on his face, and he wanted to punch Fitz immediately.

"Did I interrupt a cozy little moment?" mocked Eli, his voice dripping jealousy.

"As a matter of fact, you did," said Fitz smugly. Eli looked over at Clare, and there was distrust and coldness in her eyes.

"What the fuck is going on?" asked Eli, more nervously this time. Fitz couldn't have… no…

"I told her about Julia," sneered Fitz. "She knows everything now, Eli. Everything."

Eli started breathing fast and he tried to approach Clare, but she moved away from him. Her distance made the anguish and despair rise in his chest and he felt like screaming.

"Clare, I… I can explain," pleaded Eli, but Clare wasn't looking at him.

"Leave the girl alone," said Fitz menacingly. "You fucked up, Eli. Big time."

"Shut up, shut the fuck up!" yelled Eli at Fitz, feeling furious. "You had no right to do this! I was going to tell her, you fucking asshole!"

Fitz pushed Clare away and moved closer to Eli, his nostrils flared. "I've liked Clare for a long time, the last thing I wanted was for her to suffer with a little piece of shit like you."

"Both of you, stop it!" snapped Clare angrily.

"From the moment you walked in, I could tell you were a fucked-up guy," continued Fitz, pushing Eli. "You _are_ a bad person, Goldsworthy. You deserve the worst in your life, I hope that you have a miserable time for the rest of your life."

Fitz was smirking the whole time but he was using a serious tone. Eli felt nervous about it, since Clare couldn't see Fitz's face and he wondered if the whole thing was an act.

"What did you tell her?" muttered Eli and Fitz just laughed.

"Stop worrying, emo boy," said Fitz bitterly and Eli snapped. He punched Fitz in the face and Clare let out a little scream, panicking.

"Don't fight! Stop it!"

Fitz punched Eli back and soon they were both scuffling on the ground, and Eli groaned in pain as Fitz hit him hard in the stomach. "Fuck you, Fitz!" yelled Eli. "Clare will never be with you, even if she's not with me."

"Shut up," snarled Fitz, and reached for his pocket, pulling out a knife. Fitz's weight was suffocating Eli, but he knew that pushing the bully away would be a bad move.

"Oh _God_," gasped Clare as she saw the knife and Eli felt paralyzed. Eli looked out the corner of his eye and saw that Clare was pulling her phone out of her pocket slowly, and he tried to distract Fitz.

"How did you find out about Julia?" breathed Eli.

"I told you, I know a couple of people who go to your old high school," said Fitz. "I mentioned how annoying I find you, and well, they said they knew you."

"Nice to know that you're thinking of me in your spare time," smirked Eli. "Shows how obsessed you are with me."

Fitz placed the blade near Eli's neck and Clare screamed. "Please, Fitz, don't do it! Put down that knife!" she pleaded.

"I won, Eli," said Fitz quietly. "Clare will never forgive you."

"What did you tell her?" asked Eli again.

Eli could see the evilness in Fitz's eyes and this scared him. He suddenly realized that Fitz was not the dumb bully he thought he was, but a more threatening, obscure individual.

"The truth," said Fitz simply, and Eli felt how the blade started cutting into his skin.

"STOP!" cried Clare.

Fitz leaned in and his lips were dangerously close to Eli's ear, and Fitz let out a little chuckle. "Well… _my _version of the truth," whispered Fitz.

"Drop that knife and put your hands where I can see them!"

Eli felt the blood trickling down his neck and Fitz gave him a last savage smile before letting go of him. "Just fooling around," called Fitz, standing up and facing the two cops standing in the hallway. Adam and Principal Simpson were right behind them and Eli realized that Clare had notified Adam via her phone.

The cops handcuffed Fitz and escorted him outside, closely followed by Simpson, and Eli sat up. Adam ran over to him as the rest of the students started getting out of the gym, looking around curiously. Adam fell to his knees and anxiously checked Eli's neck.

"It's just a scratch," mumbled Eli, touching his neck. He stood up and looked at Clare, who was merely staring at him.

"Clare-" he started, but she just shook her head. There were tears running down her cheeks and Eli could already feel the distance starting to grow between them. Whatever Fitz had told her had made an effect, and Eli didn't even know how to confront it.

"I can't deal with this right now," she sobbed quietly, and walked away.

"What happened? Why is she… Eli?" Adam's eyes were filled with anxiety and Eli didn't know what to do or say.

"Fitz told her about Julia… but I don't know what he told her," said Eli. A couple of paramedics walked in, followed by Simpson, and Eli wanted to run away. He wanted to avoid answering questions of any kind; he didn't want to talk at all.

"Are you okay?" asked Adam, aware of Eli's internal despair. The paramedics and Simpson were getting closer, and Clare was just slipping away from him. She was gone.

Adam tugged on his sleeve, but Eli didn't want to answer Adam's question. He didn't know what to say, he felt completely lost and miserable, and the old guilt was corroding his mind once again.

"Eli!" insisted Adam tensely. "Just tell me, are you okay?"

Eli glanced at the paramedics, at Simpson, and at the rest of the students who were talking excitedly in the hallway. It was Julia all over again. He would never be able to escape his mistakes, his past would always haunt him until he lost his mind.

"No. I'm not okay."


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Wow. You have no idea how your reviews and comments on Twitter make me feel. I've never considered myself a good creative writer (I am a journalism major) and I started writing fics just to practice, so I never expected this response for my stories. You, the reader, are the one who keeps me going and striving to be a better writer. Words can't express my gratitude for you giving my story a chance. **

**Next chapter will be the final chapter for this story. I will post a new story shortly, probably the most challenging story I've ever written. I can't reveal too much about the plot right now, but it will stay true to my usual writing. Meaning, yeah, it will be kind of angsty but I'll try to make it inspiring as well. Hopefully you will read that too.**

_**Clare**_

She stood by the school's entrance, waiting for someone familiar to show up. Maybe she could ask Alli for a ride, but she couldn't find her best friend in the sea of overtly excited students. Fitz's words were still in her head, and she couldn't shake them out.

"You."

Adam grabbed her by the shoulder, fury shining in his eyes. "What did Fitz tell you?"

Clare pushed Adam away and started walking, ignoring the boy's yells. "Clare! Goddamn it, wait up!"

Clare turned around to face Adam and crossed her arms, waiting. "It doesn't matter what Fitz told me, what matters is that Eli didn't tell me!"

Adam shook his head, looking severely impatient. "Fuck this, I need to know."

"Eli should have told me about Julia!" retorted Clare angrily. "He should have told me about the pregnancy, about the abortion, about-"

"Wait what?" interrupted Adam, seemingly confused. "Pregnancy? Abortion?"

The surprise in Adam's face made Clare felt uneasy, and she blinked. "Yes… Fitz told me everything. Surely you knew all about this, since Eli would rather talk to everyone else except me."

Adam bit his lip, frowning in concentration. He opened his mouth several times to speak, but didn't say a word. He finally looked at Clare with determination in his eyes and he sighed deeply.

"Wait here. Eli told me not to get involved in this or he would stop talking to me, but wait here," said Adam hurriedly.

"Then don't get involved," snapped Clare.

"I'd rather lose Eli's friendship than have him lose you," said Adam simply, and ran away. Clare waited, still looking around for Alli, wanting to leave. She didn't want to face Eli, not in that moment when the pain and shock were still too fresh.

She saw Adam again, and he was dragging Eli behind him. Eli looked tired and avoided looking at Clare, and the trio stood awkwardly in silence for a couple minutes, digesting the tension in the air.

"_You_ need to tell her what really happened," snapped Adam, glaring at Eli. Then he turned to look at Clare, still looking cross. "And _you_ need to fucking listen. I will not watch you two fall apart because of secrets, anger and stupid guilt. You need to let go of all your goddamn baggage and be happy, for once, because you two together can make it work. And if you don't, God help me, I will have to deal with Eli's misery for the rest of my life."

Eli and Clare just stared at each other, and she knew that Adam had a point. And although Eli had hid something from her, he had tried to open up as much as possible, and maybe he deserved another chance. But it still hurt, and Clare didn't know what to think.

"Can we talk?" asked Eli finally, and Clare had never heard so much pain in his voice.

"Yes… I guess we can," hesitated Clare.

"There you go," grinned Adam, and the rest of his words were drowned by the sound of sirens and students talking. Simpson came out of the building, looking around, and Adam pushed Eli and Clare away.

"I think he's looking for you two," said Adam quickly. "Run!"

Eli looked at Clare, offering his hand, and Clare took it, hanging on to it as they ran away.

_**Later**_

Silence. Infinite, uncomfortable and unavoidable silence. Eli clutched Morty's steering wheel nervously as he found a parking spot near the park, and he turned off the engine. Clare gulped several times, waiting for Eli to speak.

"This is not how I wanted this conversation to happen," said Eli at last.

"Me neither," admitted Clare. "But it has to happen."

Eli looked over at her and let go of the steering wheel, and Clare noticed that his hands were shaking. "What did Fitz tell you?"

Clare looked back at him and sighed. "I need to hear your version of the story first."

Eli nodded and looked away, deep in thought. "In order to be completely honest, I have to tell you everything without omitting any details. I need you to stay with me while I tell you everything. You can ask me anything after I'm done talking, okay?"

"Honesty sounds good," said Clare, feeling anxious.

Eli breathed deeply and closed his eyes, opening his mouth to speak.

_**Eli**_

_I will never forget the first moment I saw her. She was stepping out of the bus, her messy black hair framing her delicate face, and she was laughing. Julia's smile was a rare sight, but the first time I saw her she was smiling. I will never forget that. _

_I was a stupid guy back then, hanging out with other stupid guys, trying to avoid the bullies. I didn't have what you would call real friends, just acquaintances, and I always felt alone. One day, I was walking down the hallway and I bumped into Julia, and she dropped a small metal box. Coins and bills flew everywhere, and I just stared at her. She was pale as a ghost, and asked me to keep quiet. She ran away with the money and didn't look back, and I just stared after her. _

_The next day, the principal made an announcement that someone had stolen the money from the music club. I knew at once that it had been Julia, but I didn't say a word. She found me sitting by myself at lunch and sat at my table, and told me that the reason why she stole the money was because her stepmother was a bitch and never allowed her to buy whatever she wanted. I knew at once that Julia wasn't a bad person, just a little lost, so I never judged her for it. And then she asked if I wanted something in exchange for my silence._

"_Yes," I said. "I want you to go out on a date with me,"_

_It took her by surprise and she seemed mildly upset, but she agreed. We had a great time, and we were pretty much together ever since. I loved her, I loved spending time with her. We were so similar… maybe too similar. We both interrupted each other all the time and I think that it was a problem, you know? We loved to talk but we never listened to each other. I don't know._

_We soon started sleeping together, and being the stupid teenage boy that I was –well, still am, - sometimes I discarded protection since she used birth control as well. Stupid and foolish? Yes. But Clare, I was a completely different person back then. I'm not trying to justify myself, but I just want you to know that today I wouldn't do that. _

_Anyway…_

_Our relationship was volatile and unpredictable; we were a complete mess. We fought all the time, but we loved each other, so we tried to make it work. Julia would stay at my house all the time, her stepmother made her life completely miserable and my parents liked her. It was a weird time, but I wouldn't change anything. Yeah, I wouldn't._

_One day she came to my locker and she looked worried, so I asked her what was wrong. She said that she had missed her period and that… well, she thought she was pregnant. I flipped, I lost it, Clare, I will not deny that. I was furious and I blamed her, being the asshole I was. I told her that she needed to get an abortion because I didn't need a kid in my life. It's like my whole life flashed in front of me, and I was selfish and dumb and… just call me whatever you want. I was a jerk to her and I yelled at her in front of the school. Julia ran away from me and I think that's the moment guilt started being a part of my life._

_I went home and told Cece and Bullfrog about it… They weren't pleased with my behavior and Cece called Julia, and they both went to the doctor the next day. _

_Julia wasn't pregnant, but that pregnancy scare destroyed our relationship. Nothing was ever the same. I tried to apologize over and over but I don't think that she ever truly forgave me. We tried to make it work but… the damage was done._

_The night Julia died we were in my bedroom… um, we were making out, let's be blunt. I wanted to have sex with her but she obviously didn't, and I got mad. Not because of the sex part, but because she kept pushing me away. I told her that I loved her and that I was sorry, and she said I was lying._

_She called me a liar and said that I had ruined her life._

_In a way… she was right. She told me that she had expected more from me, to be more responsible, to be more of a boyfriend. Everything she said was right and I was to stubborn to realize it. I told her that thanks to her, people at school hated me. _

_That was a lie, they didn't hate me because of her. They hated me because of my actions. I told her that she ruined my life as well, and that maybe we weren't meant to be together._

_She yelled some more and said that she was leaving and I told her to never come back. As I told you before, I threw her stuff away and got the call hours later. When I went to Julia's funeral, they had a closed casket so I never got to see her again. All that I had, still have, are the memories of that night, of our fight, of my words._

_People at school were horrible to me, but I deserved it, quite honestly. Rumors about our relationship were spread around but shockingly enough, most of them were true._

_I don't deserve much in life, Clare, not after what I did to her. I went through life thinking that I would be alone for the rest of my life, because it was the punishment I deserved._

_And then I met you._

_You changed everything for me, you gave me hope once again, and all because of a poem that I wrote during my darkest moments. You make me feel better, and I love you more than I have ever loved someone. _

_But my past is always going to be there, Clare. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about it, that I kept it from you. I avoided dealing with it because I knew that it would hurt you and change your opinion of me. _

_The thing is, I have changed. I still struggle with my issues and my guilt and everything else, but now I have a reason to move on. You are that reason, whether you decide to forgive me or not._

_Clare, I am aware that you deserve better than me. I should probably let you go, I know. I love you, I love you so much, and I'm sorry for everything I've done._

_You deserve better than me, and nothing can change that._

_**Clare **_

Eli finished talking and gripped the seat with his hands, not daring to look at her. Clare's heart had felt heavy with every word coming out of Eli's mouth, and she couldn't help but cry.

Eli had loved Julia, it was obvious. And his actions had been reproachable and immature, but Clare sort of understood why he reacted that way. Fitz had twisted the truth, no doubt about it, and Clare realized that she could be naïve at times.

They were silent for almost an hour, mostly because Clare didn't know what to say. She had missed curfew and her phone had vibrated several times, but she was facing a crossroad in her life and grounding seemed irrelevant.

"You should have told me this before," said Clare.

"Yes. I know."

Clare reached for Eli's hand and clutched it tightly, and Eli squeezed back. "I need some time, okay?" said Clare, trying to hold back more tears. "Just give me time to process this."

"Fair enough," said Eli, turning to look at her. "I'm sorry, Clare."

"It's okay, Eli."

The secret was out, and Clare wondered if Eli felt finally free. She hoped he did, she hoped that it would be a new start for him, for their relationship.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before we slept together," said Eli, sounding deeply guilty.

"Don't worry. I don't regret it. I don't regret anything… I don't regret us."

"Good. Do you want me to drive you home?"

"Yes… Yes, please."

Eli turned on the engine and the radio as well, and Clare felt grateful. She didn't really want to talk anymore; she had no questions for Eli. He had said everything she needed to know, everything she needed to digest before making her decision.

Clare's home was soon visible and Eli parked in front of it, not saying a word. Clare moved closer to him and kissed him on the cheek, wanting to let him know that she didn't hate him.

"Eli, thanks for being there for me when I needed it the most," she said sincerely. "I just wanted you to know that."

"It sounds like you're saying goodbye," said Eli miserably, and Clare kissed him on the lips.

"It's goodbye for now," she said, and kissed him again. "I love you. Please, don't forget that I love you, Eli."

"I won't," said Eli, tears shining in his eyes. "I love you too."

Their eyes met and Clare knew that their lives would never be the same. They met at a moment in their lives when all they needed was someone to listen, someone to hold on to. Anger and depression had met at the perfect time and they saved each other in a way that no one else would have been able to.

"Just give me time."

"Clare… I will wait forever."


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Well, this is the last chapter. Thank you so much for giving this story a chance, thank you for reading although I know that it was angsty and sad. Thank you for reviewing and for contacting me on Twitter. Thank you. I wrote this story for those who have struggled with depression or anger. I wrote it to tell you that you're not alone, that there's always hope, that there is always a solution. Hang in there, and smile, smile, smile. **

**This chapter is dedicated to my real-life and online best friends: Victoria, Pete, Miranda, Dominique, Deanna, Devin, Tyler and Betty. Because so many times you have saved me from myself, and without you, I would be completely lost. I love you.**

"_You are the dark ocean bottom and I am the fast sinking anchor, should I fall for you?  
You are the scar on my tissue that I show all of my new friends, should I show you me?  
__**All we need is a little bit of momentum, break down these walls that we've built around ourselves, all we need is a little bit of inertia, break down and tell**__…That you are the rain on the fire, deep in the trees when no one was looking, should I speak of this? You are a mirage in the distance that defies the heat of the desert, should I believe in you?"- __**Momentum, The Hush Sound**__  
_

_**-Months later-**_

_**Clare**_

"It has been a pleasure working with all of you this year," said Miss Dawes, handing back their final assignments. Clare couldn't wait to see her grade; she had poured her soul out on their last project, a poem.

Miss Dawes handed Clare her assignment and Clare's eyes fixed on the red A+ at the top of the paper and tried hard not to squeal in delight. She turned around on her seat instead to face Eli, who had already placed his assignment face down on his desk, ignoring it.

"Look," said Clare cheerfully, waving the piece of paper in front of him. Eli smiled and took the poem from Clare's hand, smiling smugly.

"Well, it's an amazing poem, my dear Clare," smirked Eli. "You were bound to get a perfect grade. The way you described your parents' struggle with their marriage, their divorce, and your feelings was just superb."

"Thanks for helping me with it," said Clare, reaching for Eli's hand and holding it tenderly.

"I was just passing paper tissues," smiled Eli, clutching Clare's hand. "That's all."

"You never showed me your poem," said Clare, glancing at Eli's paper, and he merely smirked and said nothing.

"Class, although all of your poems were good, there was a poem that caught my attention," continued Miss Dawes, and Clare turned around to face their teacher rather reluctantly. "I would love for the author of that poem to come up front and read it in front of the class, if that's okay. Mr. Goldsworthy?"

Clare could feel Eli's hesitation even if she couldn't see his face; he knew that he wasn't fond of public speaking. But she was curious about the content of the poem, he had refused to show her any lines, and she wondered if it had something to do with their brief split.

Eli walked past her, clutching his poem nervously in his hands and he stood next to Miss Dawes, facing the class. Clare smiled at him, and remembered the first day their eyes met. It had been in the same classroom, and she had been standing in front of everyone, terrified of addressing the class. Full circle, thought Clare.

"Whenever you're ready," said Miss Dawes to Eli, and Eli bit his lip nervously, focusing on his poem.

"Glass," said Eli, and gulped. "Sorry, I'll start all over."

"_Glass._

_I was broken, shattered glass when you found me._

_Pieces abandoned in the sand._

_I broke myself so no one would be able to fix me._

_But you picked up the sharp pieces._

_You held on to them with infinite patience._

_But my nature didn't change._

_I was still broken glass._

_I dug into your skin and almost ripped you apart._

_You still have the scars._

_A reminder._

_You had to let go when the pain became too much._

_You left me on a shelf and walked away for an eternity._

_I waited._

_I collected dust and sorrow but I waited._

_You came back with a frame in your hand and put me back together._

_You came back when we were both healed and ready._

_You framed the broken pieces of glass._

_And now I am complete_."

Clare was aware of the tears running down her cheeks and how students were staring at her, but she didn't care. She wanted to walk over to Eli and kiss him, kiss him until their lips went sore, but she knew that Miss Dawes wouldn't approve of their public display of affection.

"Thank you, Mr. Goldsworthy," said Miss Dawes, beckoning Eli to sit down. Eli nodded and walked back to his seat, smiling timidly to Clare as he did. Clare pretended to pay attention to Miss Dawes' last words for the class before they left for summer break, but she could only think of Eli.

The bell rang and the students scrambled out of the classroom, wanting the day to be over already. Miss Dawes walked by Eli and Clare and smiled at them knowingly before leaving, and soon it was only the two of them in the classroom.

Both of them got out of their seats and Clare quickly wrapped her arms around Eli, and he hugged her back. "Whoa, what was the hug for?" chuckled Eli, holding her tight.

"I'm sorry for taking more than a month to get back together," said Clare miserably.

"Clare, I've told you a thousand times that it's okay," said Eli. "We needed that time apart, everything was so intense back then."

Clare looked up to him and smiled. "I know, but…"

"Clare, we're together now, we've been together for a while now," said Eli, kissing her on the forehead. "Let it go."

Eli searched for Clare's lips and they kissed slowly, with Eli's hand rubbing her back gently. "Hey, I have something to show you," breathed Eli against Clare's lips.

He let go of Clare and searched through his backpack, and Clare looked over at him curiously. Eli pulled out a journal with a burgundy cover, and Clare frowned.

"I have a new journal," explained Eli. "I put the other one away."

He handed the journal to Clare and she took it, smiling as she looked at it.

"You can open it, Clare," said Eli. Clare looked at him and Eli nodded, and she opened the journal to read the first page. It was the poem Eli had read in front of the class, and when she went through the rest of the pages, she noticed that every single one was blank.

"A new beginning," said Eli as Clare closed the journal and gave it back to him. "Dr. Porter suggested it, but I had been thinking about it for a while."

"Where's the old journal?" asked Clare. "You're not throwing it away, are you?"

"No," said Eli as they picked up their things and headed out. "I'm keeping it in one of my boxes. I'm not that person anymore, the one in the journal, but I can't just throw it away… and it has nothing to do with my hoarding."

"Oh, I know," smiled Clare as they held hands. "And you're getting so better at not keeping things... in every single way, I must add."

"Well, you've helped me out a lot," shrugged Eli. "And opening up to Dr. Porter actually helped- Don't say I told you so!"

"My lips are sealed," giggled Clare, and Eli suddenly kissed her on the lips in front of everyone. He was kissing her hungrily, deepening the kiss almost immediatly. Clare responded eagerly, forgetting for a moment that they were still in school and not somewhere more secluded.

"What was that for?" asked Clare breathlessly, her face very red.

"Just wanted to prove that your lips aren't always sealed," smirked Eli. "Clare Edwards, what are you doing after school?"

_**Eli**_

He loved holding her in his arms, both of them lying on the grass under the tree. Clare's head was resting on his chest and he smiled just thinking of the make-out session they had had inside of Morty right after school.

Eli wanted nothing more than to go back to his house and rip Clare's clothes off, but Clare had to go to her father's condo later that afternoon. He remembered the day Clare finally called him back after being apart for almost a month, and how passionate their reunion had been. Eli still had a scar on his back from when he hit the nightstand, not sure about how that happened.

"I'll be back home on Sunday," said Clare, sliding her hand under Eli's shirt and making him tense up slightly.

"Hey, I'm pretty good at waiting," mocked Eli as Clare's hand brushed against his bare skin.

"We both are," said Clare, and kissed a spot on Eli's jaw line. "So patient, aren't we?"

"Of course," said Eli sarcastically, and pulled her closer to him. "And we have all summer to spend together, so..." A question was lurking in the back of Eli's mind, had been lurking there for a while, and he needed to ask it.

"Clare… if you hadn't picked up my poem from the floor that day… do you think that we would be together?"

Silence.

"Well…" said Clare finally. "Would you have talked to me if I didn't? I mean, you wanted it back…"

Eli knew that Clare had a point, and the thought of never talking to her was upsetting. "Probably not. I would have stayed away from you, I guess."

"Why?" asked Clare curiously.

"Because like I told you before, I fell for you the moment you spoke in front of the class that day," said Eli. "And you know… I had been avoiding happiness for a while… I don't know. I guess we have to be grateful to Adam, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have dropped my poem that day."

"Eternally grateful to Adam Torres," giggled Clare.

"I'm still amazed at the fact that you forgave me..." started Eli.

"Eli, there was nothing to forgive," said Clare, snuggling closer to him. "You changed. The Eli you were back then is not the Eli I'm with, and I know that. I love you, and that's all that should matter. Right?"

Eli moved so he could be facing Clare and he kissed her, enjoying the taste of her lips. She parted her lips trustingly and his tongue explored her mouth eagerly, and he pulled her closer to him. He loved her more than anything, and it felt good to know that Clare felt the same way.

Because when they met, anger and depression had collided in a spectacular way. The collision should have resulted in more pain and more damage, and for a while, it did. But the clash resulted in something more wonderful, more complicated, an emotion that both had been avoiding and neglecting.

Happiness.

Clare pulled away from him and caressed his cheek with her soft, warm hand, her eyes full of love and trust.

"You have that familiar look in your eyes… What are you thinking about?"

He kissed her again, taking his time as his hand slid under Clare's shirt, teasing her. He stopped kissing her on the lips and moved to Clare's neck, tasting her skin. He finally pulled away and he smiled back, giving her the same answer he always did. Because the answer would never change.

"You."


End file.
